Guilt

[Thor20000]

Hi All

My mum died 10 years ago at the age of 60. I was devestated, an absolute wreck for a very long time she was my best friend and I miss her every day.
My dad died last month and I am obviously upset, I loved him very much BUT I have this awful guilt because I am not feeling the absolute devastation that I did at mums passing. I am laughing and having fun times and then I get this terrible guilt that I am just getting on with life when my dad is gone. I feel like a terrible daughter. Has anyone else experienced this?

There can be lots of reasons for feeling differently when different people die. I doesn't mean you cared for them any less. Perhaps it's that your father was older so it feels more expected? Was his death anticipated and your mother's more sudden? If he was sick or missed your mother a lot, maybe there's even a bit of a sense of relief that he's set free from that? There's nothing wrong with how you feel. It's a different person and circumstance and it doesn't mean you loved him less. I'm sorry for your loss.

guilt often comes automatically with bereavement. There doesn't have to be any reason for it. it will find a reason for itself.

if I was your Dad I would be happy that you are coping so well

First, I am very sorry.🩷

The same thing happened to me, only it was the other way around. I think the first loss is far more devastating. It's such a shock to the system. By the time you recover from that, you have developed coping strategies for grief which you can use in the next loss. That makes it easier. It can also depend on how the person died, and of course on the depth of the relationship.

I doubt your mom would want you to be miserable, right? So there's nothing to feel guilty about. You can honour her by living your best life.

My mom died in 2020 and my dad in 2016. It's actually the anniversary of my mom's death tomorrow. I miss her, but I'm grateful that she is no longer suffering. My mom was ready to die and chose not to try chemo, but my dad fought desperately to live, which made it sadder.
So there are a lot of factors involved in differing reactions.

Thank you all for your lovely replies, and sorry for your losses too

Dad had been in poor health for a while, however his death was still a shock.

He had also been desperately lonely since mum died, so I think there is an element of relief for him that he is no longer in pain and sat home alone.

I guess the guilt is only natural and part of the process of grief. It's just such a terribly lonely process to go through isn't it?

Grief is a funny thing though. I lost my dad in January and the first two months seemed bearable. By month 3/4 I fell apart a little bit. My mum died 20 odd years ago and I always thought losing my dad would be much easier as he was older/I'm older but it's been really bloody hard. You might find it hits you harder as time goes on. There's no right or wrong way to grieve so please be kind to yourself.

And as others have said, I'm sure your dad wouldn't want you to feel guilty.

@Thor20000

My wife passed away in January. My daughters were, and still are, devastated by her death. They were so close. Did so many things together.

I am also close to my daughters, but somehow not in the way they were close to their mum. Possibly because she'd had health issues most of their lives, so they felt more protective of her. I don't know. I certainly don't think less of them, in fact I appreciate that they loved her so much.

What I do know is that when I'm gone, I don't want them concerning themselves that my passing hurts them less.

Guilt may be a symptom of your grief, but if your dad was a good man he wouldn't be happy that you feel like that.

Remember both your mum and dad with love. All that is needed.