Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Have to clear mum's house next week-have noone to help-what do I do with things?

30 replies

Feelingbetterslowly · 10/04/2008 20:35

My mum died last month and I am 200 miles away from her house, so have to take a week off to clear the house, but have to get it all done in one go. I was best friends with my mum (she was an sp from me being 2 and I was an only child). The death is slowly seeping in and I can't bear to do it. Her friends are getting on with their own lives now so haven't really heard from any of them, and haven't got anyone to just have a good sob on while doing it, so am feeling incredibly alone and lonely. I just want my mum back, I don't want to be doing all this. I'm only 22-I want another 20 years with her. What do I do with the things like the beds etc? They won't fit in the car and I couldn't bear to take them to the tip-I'm still half convinced she will come back from her "holiday" soon

OP posts:
LaComtesse · 10/04/2008 20:40

I'm sorry to hear about your Mum. Contact her local council, they might have a local housing charity that would be pleased to take the beds (if not the mattresses). If not, you can donate them to a charity shop. Have you got a friend you can take with you to help you sort it all out?

Califrau · 10/04/2008 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Feelingbetterslowly · 10/04/2008 20:46

Thank you so much for the suggestion-I would love them to be used, and mum would have done too.

Am going to my aunt's for lunch on the Tuesday, but (this sounds SO petty!) she will want to talk about how she misses her husband, who died 6 years ago, as all bereavements come back to her talking about him, and I need to talk to her about mum, especially with clearing the house, as my friends are too young to understand and listen to it as they get too uncomfortable about it. She was so close to mum for so long, I just need someone with that bond to mum to talk to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingbetterslowly · 10/04/2008 20:49

I feel a bit as I asked another of her friends if she wanted mum's dishwasher, so that she might come round and get it and stay for a while . I was so strong at the beginning because it hadn't hit me and I was so numb, and now it has hit me everyone thinks I can cope and so have left me to it, and I don't know how to ask them to help now.

OP posts:
katyt1 · 10/04/2008 20:50

So sorry to hear about your mum

If you know what's there (and i'm guessing you do?) you could start freecycling it now - to be collected whilst you are there?
www.freecycle.org and fine one nearest to your mums. People will come round and collect it for you.

i helped my mum with her dad's house. can you find ayone to help you, it's so hard to do on your own.
i can help? whereabouts is it?

Beetroot · 10/04/2008 20:54

I am so sorry for your loss

Firstly could any of your mums friends come and help? even for an afternoon?

Secondly sort the stuff you want
sort the charity shop stuff
then phone a house clearance company and they will take the lot for you and offer you some money

If you like ebay then you could keep some stuff to sell on there.

take you time sorting

have separate piles in each room

where are you?

Original poster
Feelingbetterslowly · 10/04/2008 20:57

Katy-you are lovely-it is West Yorkshire (so freecycle activity will be great! He he!). Have been have a sort through my address book and have remembered a family friend who has a month old ds! She said she can come around and help go through the emtional bits like clothes, photo albums etc (her mum died 4 years ago so knows what to do), and I can also have a cuddle with the ds which would really cheer me up. That is three of the 5 days with people in them, I'm getting there now!

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingbetterslowly · 10/04/2008 21:01

Thanks Beetroot-I didn't even know house clearance people existed . Doesn't help that dd's just fallen asleep infront of Annie either!! Childhood memories FLOODING back! I am going to waddle off and pack for tomorrow, but will come back on later-I feel ill thinking about it already x

OP posts:
havalina · 10/04/2008 21:14

It's an awfull thing to have to do, My Mum died last year and having to clear out the house was the hardest part. Luckily I had my sisters but I just couldn't face it,especially as loads of her stuff just had to be chucked as we didn't have time to organise charities etc.

I too live 200 miles away, but had only left home for a couple of years, it just broke my heart that I would never see the house I grew up in again. So sorry for your loss and hope that you can round up a few more helpers.

fizzbuzz · 10/04/2008 21:20

Perhaps you shouldn't rush into clearing it out yet. Do you have to do it now?

It took me 6 months to start it after my mum died and it was hard.

From your post, it sounds as if it is earlier than that for you.............

fizzbuzz · 10/04/2008 21:22

Perhaps you shouldn't rush into clearing it out yet. Do you have to do it now?

It took me 6 months to start it after my mum died and it was hard.

Maybe waiting would help you a bit

katyt1 · 10/04/2008 21:22

oh i'm in essex, not much good to you then. glad to hear you are getting people lined up for company if nothing else.
don't bottle stuff up, make sure you talk about the memories that things bring back for you.
and feel virtuous about anything that finds a new home.
my grandad had 2 recliner chairs and is was so nice to think of others using them and getting some comfort/relaxation from them like he did.
(of course he had loads of crap heirlooms that had to be thrown away cos there's never enough time to find homes for everything.
but you only do your best.
good luck.

moreJellothanJlo · 10/04/2008 21:26

I'm so sorry to read that about your mum feelingbetterslowly

my mum is elderly and I look after her, I know that I'll be in your position one day but I also know I wouldn't be able to bear it, but like you will have too

I'm just really sorry and wish I could help you out, but I'm in Scotland!

I hope you get there

xx

Original poster
Feelingbetterslowly · 10/04/2008 21:52

You are all lovely-I've lost my flipping train tickets for tomorrow morning now too! Argh! Stupid "safe places". I've got to clear it as mum had no life insurance and I can't afford to keep paying my mortgage and her mortgage, so the house has to go . She was so young too, well, 60, which some wouldn't see as young, but she seemed ten years younger. Thankfully she wasn't a great hoarder, but there are so many things I want to keep that I will just be doubling up on here, like lamps etc that we bought together or that have something attached to them-urgh! I have such hoarding tendancies-this is not a good thing for me to be doing!! xx

OP posts:
MsBombastic · 10/04/2008 21:54

Hello feelingbetterslowly.

Sorry you are having such a tough time. Sadly I have experience of this and like other posters would help if I could - but I'm in Herts so no good.

Try Emmaus.org.uk which is an organisation helping the homeless. They take furniture etc; I think they come and collect. But some things need fire certificates which most people don't keep/have. They have brances in Hull, Leeds and Sheffield so maybe worth a try?

You will prob find there is stuff you can't quite decide what to do with and/or feel you probably should get rid of but can't quite do it. My advice is to box this up and hopefully you have space (loft?) where you can put it for a few months until you feel stronger. Then gradually 'weed' the boxes down until you have those keepsakes you really want or need to keep. Re. old cards etc do the same and at some point in the future you can maybe make a scrapbook for (or with) your DD with a few words describing the contents/photos. This is better than just boxes of cards etc stashed away.

I am only telling you a way I found of dealing with things - of course everyone is different.

I wish you strength.

Original poster
Feelingbetterslowly · 10/04/2008 22:02

Thank you all so much-this is all really helping me, thank you. Thankfully we have space to pop things here until I am strong enough to deal with them-mum used to keep my drawings that got put on the wall at school and stuff-it meant a lot more to mum than it does to me, but because it meant a lot to mum it now means a lot to me IFSWIM, so have room to put things like that away for a bit. Am getting a van as I am moving her sofa as it was the last thing we bought together for the "family home", and she was so proud of it as it was a super poshy, and other bits and bobs, so have the space to get them home too. In a way it is nice because we had talked about mum moving close to us, and in a way now she has (I sound pathetic don't I!), as her spirit and memories will be in some of the things in the house (I'm still wearing some of her clothes occassionally but she had style, so it's not weird, I promise!!). Oh god I am sounding like such a weirdo!

OP posts:
MsBombastic · 10/04/2008 22:39

Does not sound at all weird or pathetic - honest.

I have found that the oddest things can be incredibly evocvative and yet other things which you might expect to be I have no feeling over. (scuse bad English - too knackered to be grammatical tonight!)

It is the same with situations; I didn't really cry at my Mum's funeral, but when I went into her building society some time later to sort things out,the woman at the counter said she remembered my Mum coming in every week and always looking cheeful I blubbed and blubbed!

You just have to go with it. Take care.
x

Pavlovthecat · 10/04/2008 22:45

Feelingbetterslowly. I am so so sorry for your loss.

I dont have a lot to offer in terms of advise. I just wanted to offer my condolences at this very difficult time for you.

I lost my mum 14 months ago, she was my best friend too and I miss her very much, your post reminds me of where I was (althougn I did not sort her things out, unfortunately)

My thoughts are with you, and I hope that you find a way to sort things out with the least amount of stress for you.

MN are a great support at times like this. So whenever you need a shoulder, there are people here. Now, and in the future.

Pavlovthecat · 10/04/2008 22:47

FWIW - I would recommend, from my experience, dont go through personal things right now if you are not strong enough. Pack them away somewhere and when you are ready, get a bottle of wine and remember your mum when you can cry without losing control. When you feel able, rather than when time says you should do it.

RubyRioja · 10/04/2008 22:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cat64 · 10/04/2008 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

moreJellothanJlo · 11/04/2008 07:50

feelingbetter, no you don't sound weird, you sound completely normal to me, what ever it takes to give you a bit of comfort and feel you have your mum back a bit
will you let us know how you are doing, there seems to be lots of us who sympathise/emphathise(is that the word) with how you are feeling just now and we all want to help you out in any way we can

Original poster
Feelingbetterslowly · 11/04/2008 17:56

Hi guys,

Thank you all so much for posting after I had gone to bed, it is so nice to read them and find strength in them now I'm at mums. Am going to start with the kitchen and bathroom-it's less hard to throw out cornflower and radox than the other things! Have decided anything I'm umming over I will take to mine, and then decide on it when I'm at home. I miss her so much, but at the same time feel like she has her arms around me too, and can hear her in my head telling me that it's the right thing to do and she is with me on all my decisions. I feel so close to you all for posting on this for me, thank you xx

OP posts:
MsBombastic · 11/04/2008 19:20

Evening, Feelingbetter.

You are sounding more positive today. You may find that sorting it all out gives you a sense of achieving something, and of course it is a distraction.

But moreJello is right - I and others clearly empathise and are probably getting some 'healing' from the thread ourselves (MsBombastic realises that she is probably in the 'philosophical stage' of bacardi and coke drinking, but has another swig nevertheless!) So you see, you have a duty to others now to let us know how things are!

I love your feeling that your Mum has her arms around you - another way of looking at it is that some of her strength and spirit is showing itself in you.

Take care.

lottiejenkins · 11/04/2008 19:43

The British Heart Foundation have furniture shops that sell second hand house things(iyswim)
www.bhf.org.uk/shop_with_bhf/our_shops.aspx

Swipe left for the next trending thread