Grief for my Step-Mum but feel guilty

[Sonolanona]

My wonderful Step-Mum died suddenly and I will be attending the funeral with my (adult) children shortly.
She was married to my Dad for many years, but even after their divorce she 'kept' me and my children ..she was their 3rd Granny and we adored her because she was kind, intelligent, gracious , talented and just a wonderful person and I was very lucky to have her in my life and in the lives of my children.
We are blindsided by her death.
I lost my Dad 7 years ago. We had a difficult relationship, because he was a difficult man who was emotionally abusive to me and to the three wonderful women he married, but we reconciled in his last years and got to know each other properly. I cried when he died but I can't say I was devastated, just sad that he had never really known us properly.

Hence the guilt. I'm sadder, I feel more lost and gutted at losing my Step-Mum than I was my Dad, and it feels wrong. I know why... it because she was altogether a more loving person to me from my teen years on than he was, but I still feel guilty.
How do I make peace with that?

It may help to recognise that there's a world of difference between feeling guilty and being guilty.

Your stepmother sounds exceptional, how many people get to be described as kind, gracious and talented, especially by their step children! From what you say, she was more of a parent to you than your father. It's not really surprising that you feel more lost at losing her.

It's really common to feel guilty in bereavement. It's a frequent topic for discussion in my bereavement group. One thing that often comes up is that guilt is a very deep seated emotion and what it attaches itself to isn't necessarily what's causing it.

I realised that what I actually felt guilty about was not having been powerful enough to prevent my DH's death. I think that at some level it was easier for me to believe that than it was to believe that the world can be a scary place where horrible things happen for no reason. Once I realised that, I found some compassion for myself and the guilt just sort of changed into a sadness and acceptance that that's just the way it is. Maybe if you acknowledge the feeling and sit with it a little longer, what's really behind it will become apparent, and it will melt away.