My friend has died but it wasn’t a conventional friendship

[Blushingrainbow]

So I dont think anyone gets it.
We met online around six years ago over a support group for a specific issue.
She lived about three hundred miles from me - we actually only ever met in person three times when our paths happened to cross for work and we were within each other’s geographical area.
However we have messaged most days, often every day and spoken on the phone a couple of times a month.

Around six weeks ago she was signed off work with a painful shoulder - but she was a nurse so we thought she’d just pulled something at first or strained it maybe - but then she was rushed to hospital with breathing difficulties and it turned out she had a collapsed lung, caused by the cancer she didn’t know she had.
They said It had started in her kidneys, spread to her ovaries and then into her bones and lung.
They gave her weeks. They said maybe life extending treatment but we never got that far. She was given that diagnosis four weeks ago. In May she was still at work and doing her sports.
She was 37. Two primary aged children, one of whom has a birthday tomorrow.
As I’m so far away it’s really hard - her sister let me know and I’ve expressed my condolences but I don’t know what else to say.
Id like to message later in the week and ask if if can make a donation towards the cause my friend supported. I’d have asked her more when she was alive but I wasn’t expecting it to be this fast - I spoke to her on Wednesday and she was waiting results from a kidney biopsy to see what treatment they might offer.
I cannot believe that it’s been so quick but I do wonder if she wasn’t giving me the full picture of how poor the prognosis was, she found it hard to talk about it.

However because she wasn’t a friend I saw often I don’t feel like anyone gets it. I feel silly being this sad but I’m so sad for her - she’d had some really hard times but life seemed better these last few months. She spent so long being unhappy. I’m sad for her children and her family. I’m just sad and I still can’t really process not ever speaking to her / reading another message from her again.

In some ways the fact she wasn’t part of my everyday life physically made us closer because she probably knew things I’d not tell anyone else and vice versa.

Would it be odd to ask her sister - not now but at some point - to keep in touch and let me know how my friend’s children are from time to time? And to ask where I can send my donation? I know my friend asked her sister to let me know what was happening in the run up to her death.

This is incredibly sad. I’m so sorry op. Her family will want to know that you care. It’ll be a comfort to know that she mattered so much to you and her life was important.

It’s also just incredibly shocking and scary. Your feelings are very valid.

Of course you are sad - she was your friend.

I see no reason why you should not speak with the sister about keeping up to date about the family.

You sound like a lovely friend. Yes I would keep in touch. I think her family would be pleased that you remember her and care for them. 💐💐💐

No it's not at all wrong and if your friend asked her sister to let you know, I think it would be a nice thing to do.
Its something I would do in your position.

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.

Don't worry you were the wrong type of friend, you sound just the right type of friend to her, and so of course you are feeling her loss. She was very young and this was very unexpected, it is not surprising you are finding this very hard. I'm sure the sister will be happy to keep you in the loop.

I’m so sorry OP. My condolences on the passing of your friend

Ah so sad, her poor children

Of course your feeling sad, she's your friend! You stayed in touch for a long time as you obviously meant a lot to each other.

I think it's really thoughtful to want to donate to a charity that was close to her heart. I'd also ask her sister if it was ok to keep in touch, but perhaps hold off doing it whilst everything is so raw. Personally I'd be really touched if my siblings friend asked to do the same x

Take care of yourself x

I'm sorry about the loss of your friend.

You have every right to feel sad, it sounds like you shared a lovely friendship.

I'm so sorry for your loss - that's shocking, her poor children.

Thank you everyone. It’s helpful to put it somewhere.
I won’t mention anything about keeping in touch at the moment and I’ll wait a few days re the donation too. I can imagine it’s all very very difficult and distressing right now. I think what makes it tricky to gauge is I don’t know her family because of the distance. I’ve spoken to her sister briefly twice before but that’s it.
I definitely don’t want to make any ‘request’ of them at the moment, or intrude in any way - even in the form of a message.
Her sister said she was aware how important the friendship her been to my friend and I just replied and said I felt the same and that she was irreplaceable and I’d miss her dreadfully. I also said I was aware that unfortunately there was very little I could do but that I would be keeping them all in my thoughts and how desperately sad I was for my friend, her family and her children.
I had to type and delete and reword a number of times - but that was ok I think? I mean I guess they probably have bigger things to worry about but I wanted to send my condolences and let them know how important she has been to me.

This is so, so tragic and shocking. The quality of your friendship shines through your post. I’d tweak it to directly address her sister and send it to her so she knows how much your friend meant to you. 💐

You sound like a lovely friend op. Just a word of caution that the vast number of letters cards/donations I received after my sister died either washed over me or at times irritated me as people out poured their own grief and memories onto me. At the time it wasn't a comfort it was painful.
They arranged fundraisers/raffles events and god knows what and I as the sibling left behind was not able nor ready for it.
I felt they wanted me to replace her.
You sound very sensitive though. and I know now many years on people we're just finding their own way.
I'm sorry you have lost your dear friend.
Cancer is a bastard

I think this is what I’m mindful of. I want them to know she was important to me and I valued her greatly - without imposing on their grief.

I am sure your friends family will find great comfort in knowing how loved she was.

Your friend obviously thought of you as a good friend. Just because you didn't see each other often doesn't make you any less real friends. Could you maybe go to the funeral, and you could meet her family?

Hugs op

I'm so sorry and I totally get this. I just found out an old friend I knew only from the internet (plus a few phone calls and letters) has died.

One thing you can certainly do without being intrusive is leave a message on the guest book wherever her obituary is. That's what I did with my late friend, since she lives thousands of miles away. If you do that, the family will know how much you care. You can usually leave donations through the funeral home.
When my mom died, there were letters of condolence from people I had never met sent to her home address. They had found out too late to go to the funeral, but they wanted the family to know they cared. It was touching. So you could try that.

This is so desperately upsetting for you, I can completely sympathise. I have been a member of an online group for almost twenty years. I've met almost everyone bar two or three in person and the thought of losing any of them is awful as we message almost daily.

I would maybe give her sister a couple of weeks before getting back in touch. I'm sure she would be happy to keep you updated on the family. Your poor friend, she had so little time to organise her affairs.

Reported

You must have been very important to her, OP. I hope you can remember that. All the more so because you were a little apart from her regular life. I text everyday with my oldest friend but we seldom see each other and don’t share friends. But we are integral to each other’s lives. I know how difficult your situation is. All my thoughts are with you.