Losing a Colleague

[flipent]

I'm struggling to articulate how I feel, but a colleague has passed away.
They were young (mid 30s) and full of life. We don't know the details yet, but it was incredibly sudden.

I worked closely with them, but they were just a colleague. I'm not sure how sad it's reasonable for me to be.

I do appreciate that everyone grieves differently. But I'm feeling empty - numb. There are people who were closer there is family who are so much more impacted than me. I feel selfish being upset. It doesn't feel like my loss to grieve.

You have every right to feel sad and to grieve. No-one 'owns' grief, as long as it's genuinely felt and not just performative.

I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like a very sad circumstance.

Thank you.

It is incredibly sad. And you're absolutely right about the 'performative'. I am sad, but I'm not wailing in the corner - it's not how I tend to demonstrate my emotions anyway.... no one seems to know how to react.

They weren't 'just' a colleague. All of my friends were colleagues at one point.

Even if you didn't consider yourself to be friends, their loss will impact you.

I'd be heartbroken if anyone that I worked closely with (and had a decent relationship with of course) died.

I'm in the same boat.
I only worked with him for a few months but I still work with some of his relatives. He died very suddenly, only mid 30s as well.

It's odd. I want to be supportive without overstepping, but also I feel so sad. It's just an awful reminder that life is fragile.

It's a shock as well, that they were young. Of course you can feel sad.

Google Circles of Grief, it helped me in a similar situation.

It happened to me years ago and I still think about him from time to time, it has stayed with me.

@flipent

Of course it's your loss to grieve. The impact, scale of the loss and emotions will be different for their family.

Nonetheless this is someone you saw every day, probably spent more time with than his family. There is now an absence. You will probably move on from the grief much quicker, but there is still shock, sadness for a life gone so young, and what they might have made of their lives.

About 30 years two people in my office took their own lives within weeks of each other. They were both under 30 with their whole lives ahead of them. I still remember the profound shock, their names and what happened on those days. They are still remembered when we talk about the 'old' days.
It sounds to me like your response is completely natural, you recognise the loss is greater for others, and you aren't trying to impose your feelings on them
There may be small things you can do. My brother lost his best friend very suddenly a few years ago - he went to the office to clear the desk and collect his friends things on behalf of his wife. Maybe that's something you could offer to do?

I think it’s because they were so young and it’s unusual. Death happens to us all, but there is tragedy in the loss of a young person. That’s why communities are affected by the death of children for example because it’s so tragic as it’s not the natural order of things.

The tragedy is the life they never got to experience. The years that were taken away from them. Your colleague was mid 30’s so 50 years less than the average person gets to experience. So so sad.

We lost a colleague in his early 30’s 2wks ago, just so incredibly sad and it’s the 3rd death in under a year so very hard to comprehend, two of them young people

You're fully allowed to feel.any way you feel. I lost a colleague (different departments, but he was my lunchtime smoking and crossword buddy).

He just didn't turn up one day, and hr phoned his family, turned out he'd had a heart attack. Oddly one of them knew i was his friend so phoned me to let me know. I was bereft for a long time, but none of my dept colleagues knew him so I had no one to talk to really. I still miss him.

I really appreciate you all taking the time to respond, and for your words of comfort as well as sharing similar difficult stories.

You have given me the strength to challenge someone who seemed to think it was appropriate to dictate how people should feel.

We lost a colleague about 5 years ago also. He was only 25 and such a lovely lad. It was very sudden and really sad. Our company still have a remembrance mass for him on his anniversary every year.