Baby brother memorial for DH

[Spencer0220]

My DH lost his brother at 3 weeks old. Yesterday would have been his 30th birthday.

DH is nc with family, and only has a couple of scanned Polaroid pictures of DB in an incubator.

I'd like to somehow turn these into a gift before the 30th anniversary.

Any suggestions gratefully received. There are no pictures of his face. I do know of one of DH with his hand on DB, if that helps?

I'm asking this is the nicest possible way, but do you think your husband would want a gift to mark his brother's death?

We lost a little one in our family many years ago and our family supports a charity that helps families with the same diagnosis. Would a donation to an appropriate charity in his brothers name help?

I agree.

Does he actually want anything? It's a very personal thing to what he actually wants.

I've asked him this as many different ways I can think. But he's adamant he wants something visible.

I'm at a loss how to do this, because most memorials are for children you've lost, which doesn't apply.

I think he's worried that if we don't somehow show the world that DB existed, he'll be forgotten. His parents didn't mention DB at home.

And yes, he's in therapy.

Would he like one of those maps of the stars at a particular moment in time- could be the birthday of his DB? You can get them on etsy etc and put in a nice frame.

Oooh I'll look, thank you

But he won’t be forgotten by your husband so it’s hard to understand why after all this time, he wants a physical memory. Is it to be seen by himself only or?

Sounds like your dh is grieving for what he thinks he could have had with a brother, rather than his actual brother as at three weeks old they had sadly never had time to bond. Perhaps you could get him a copy of the news paper from
that day with what was happening in the world, or maybe as pp suggested a star map. Whatever you get will not be “personal” so to speak because it’s the idea of having a brother that he is grieving for and nothing but therapy is going to resolve this.

Sorry, I hadn't understood that it's your DH that wanted something. I had thought that you were trying to think of something to mark the occasion as you thought it was a kind thing to do

The only things I can think of are quite diverse ~

(1) A little box to keep the photos in

(2) If your husband likes jewellery, something appropriate with his brothers name engraved on it

(3) If you have a garden, a rose bush (there are many you can get with special names) or a tree and, if you wanted to, a plaque underneath

I'm so sorry your DH is struggling with his family situation . . . I really hope the therapy helps

But I can assure you that although its a lot more than 30 years ago since a little one in our family died, I still remember . . .

💐

What about something like a key ring with something personal to his brother, like his starsign? It would be something he carried him constantly?

So he wants something visible that is obvious to everyone relates to his brother? Or just something tangible?

We donated for tree planting as part of a woodland restoration project when my mum died. No plaque or anything but we got a thank you letter and certificate in a frame that said a tree had been planted in her memory (with her name on it). It's difficult to explain but it was comforting to us to feel that her memory was being honoured by creating life and supporting a healthy ecosystem that would endure - that we had put something good into the world to honour her.

If you did something like that, there would be a living memorial out in the world and something tangible for him to have in a frame on display at home.

Do you know where the ashes would have been scattered as you could buy a memorial rose in the garden of remembrance there, even though perhaps it's not on the exact site it's at the right graveyard.

Especially if they have a baby garden as it'll be roughly there his ashes were scattered.

You could put a name plate up there on their baby wall as a permanent reminder of his existence.

Or get his name put in the book of remembrance inside the chapel of rest.

The page gets turned every day and everyone who died on that day has a mention so you can go down and look at his name in writing on that day. You can ask them to turn it to his page on any day too if you wanted to remember him.

Or get a memorial bench somewhere that feels special. Park, graveyard, special walking route. With his name engraved on a brass plate.

All these things cost hundreds by the way. It's dear.

I just checked to see if I could find any links, the National Trust have a similar scheme and they do provide a certificate (downloadable, but you could get it printed professionally and framed).

https://www.nationaltrust.org.uk/support-us/plant-a-tree?gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw7NmzBhBLEiwAxrHQ-boTHSwwHRbTV3G4MnTUdQ1PQblMP4zWr0DyNsBgUJCyoHfe8sV0pBoCOs0QAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds#rt-plant-a-tree-in-memory-or-as-a-gift

Bonds begin before birth. Dc1 was absolutely bonded to dc2 by birth. Had seen scans, listened to the heartbeat etc. Yes sometimes people are grieving the idea if a brother as they do not know the baby's character, but that is not to say he did not feel a very strong, very real bond.

Thank you for all the suggestions. They are all brilliant.

I have asked DH what he wants, and he has decided on jewellery.

To the poster who suggested there wasn't a bond, I can 100% say there was.