How to explain death to a 3 yo

[Geordiebabe85]

Hi
My brother in law has been ill for a while (but carrying on as normal and looking normal) but has suddenly been given a few days to live.
My nearly 4 yo doesn't see him loads, maybe once a month, but she adores him.
How do I explain it to her??
I can't say that old people die because he's younger than me, I don't want to say that he's in hospital because I don't want her to think that everyone who goes into hospital dies. I really don't want to scare her.
Her only experience of death so far is spiders and worms.

Winstons wish charity have some amazing resources about this :)

Does she need to know that he died? Will she ask if she doesn't see him? A simple he loves you but he had to go away?

I would give a very brief explanation - Uncle X was very poorly and he couldn’t get better. Explain that he has died and that this is very sad. Keep it brief and factual, and I would say the word died rather than passed away or gone to sleep - as you said, you don’t want to confuse her or make her worry that everyone who goes to hospital or goes to sleep dies. Definitely don’t pretend that he had to go away, that implies it’s his choice
not to see her any more.

Winstons Wish has good resources and there a several nice children’s books. But I think you will be surprised by how accepting of it she is. My daughter was a similar age when we lost a relative we saw on a similarly regular basis and she took it in her stride.

I’m sorry that your family are going through this.

There are story books that tackle death well. Have a look on Amazon. I am sorry that your family are going through this.

I'm really sorry to hear this.
There's a usborne lift the flap book called Why Do Things Die which is appropriate for this age.
I definitely would be honest and say he is very poorly and the doctors have tried to make him better but they can't, and that means his body will die , which means his body stops working and we can't see him again, and that's very sad.
I then would just talk about it if she wants to.

Not comparable at all but when I had to explain to my DD that our cat had died I found a suggestion saying to explain that "They were so poorly that the special medicine they were having wasn't helping their body any more so their body stopped working properly and they died" I think it makes a subtle difference by saying "so poorly" to how we'd usually describe feeling poorly/very poorly and makes the distinction that they were having special medicine not just some Calpol.
My DD did ask a few times when we could see him and where he was, after that first full on explanation so I just said "He died so we can't see him anymore but we can keep our memories of him in our heads and our love for him in our hearts"
She was only 2.5 at the time so you will probably get more follow up questions than I did but hope it's a helpful start.

So sorry you and your family are facing this heartbreaking time x

I've always been very honest. Bil has x illness, it's made him very poorly and his body is going to give up which means we won't be able to see him anymore. But we can remember him.

I'm so sorry your brother in law isn't well, it's such a difficult situation. When our baby boy died we had to tell our 2.5 year old and had support from the hospital on how best to approach it. They said to be direct and use the word 'died' and not phrases like 'passed away' or 'gone to sleep'. I would say that her reaction was much more natural than adults who have learnt to act in a more socially conventional way so it was easy to tell when she was angry or upset. That said the feelings she had were very transient and she'd go from very upset to playing with her toys within the same minute! Wishing you all the best.

Giving vague explanations about death can cause great fear about it because it's surrounded by mystery. You need to be honest with your child about what happened. At nearly 4, he will have some understanding of it. There are many books you can use to help you explain, but it's up to you how you do it. My just turned 5 year old had a strong interest in death after the Queen died, and asked many morbid questions about it for quite a few months until she got her head around it (she was 3 at the time, questions were like 'what happens to the body' 'is there ice cream in heaven' 'how old will you be when you die' 'do dead people get eaten' 'if you die before me I won't have a mummy anymore, I'm worried ' - we answered with the truth, being as reassuring as possible)

You can tell him: Uncle was very poorly and sadly he died. That means his body stopped working and we won't be able to see him again. We are very sad about this.

He will then likely ask some questions. He may or may not show sadness about what happened, make him understand it's okay to feel how he feels.

So sorry your family is going through this xx

Children are very pragmatic and down to earth. I was five when a beloved uncle died and I simply accepted it as a matter of fact. My GC were quite young when an uncle died. We had always talked to them about people staying in your heart and in your head. That they lived on in your memories and in what you do. They didn’t seem troubled at all and gradually just stopped mentioning him. The picture book Paper Dolls by Julia Donaldson might help.

Brief and factual.
Uncle X got very poorly and sadly died.

It will be harder for you when she says "oh that's sad, can I go and play now" (for example) but at that age, that is very much what's likely to happen. A child's world experience at that age is such that their own head protects them from going any further into what death is.

So sorry you are going through this. ❤️

All these suggestions to use vague terminology are terrible and potentially very damaging and the worse
thing you can do. Be straight and to the point as @ASighMadeOfStone says “Uncle X got very poorly and sadly died.” It’s important they learn death is part of life.
Using wishy washy language is confusing and is more about protecting the adult from a difficult conversation than protecting the child’s feelings.

I don't think anyone is suggesting to be vague? Everyone has said to say that he died?

When we lost a close relative, we made sure to say died, not passed away etc. Someone said about him being "up there watching over us", so my youngest was convinced that the relative was on the roof!

I did find books useful, but couldn't read them without choking up. There are lots of book readings on youtube, so I played them goodbye Mog, badger's parting gift and the memory tree.

I'm very sorry about your BIL, that's so sad.

We lost my dad when DC1 was 2. We told her he was very very sick, and the doctors tried to make him better but they weren't able to and so he died. It was very sad but we have lots of lovely memories. If you believe in heaven you should explain that too, but we don't.

Be prepared that obviously she won't understand it, won't understand the sadness and will probably have lots of strange questions for a long time to come.

As others say, be honest. My son’s beloved grandpa died when he was nearly three. I was very matter of fact, ‘grandpa died last night with daddy and granny beside him. He had been ill and his body couldn’t cope anymore. We’re all very sad.’ We cried. I also took him to the funeral. I also made it clear we wouldn’t see Grandpa again but we’d always remember the nice times we spent together.

Be honest and factual. Keep it short and then ask her if she has any questions. How she will react will depend on how you say it. It’s a very sad time for you and your family I know, but if you can tell her without getting upset yourself she will very probably not get upset either.

Absolutely do not say he went away or passed away or went to heaven or anything like that.

He got very sick and the doctors couldn't make him better and sadly he died. So we won't see him any more. Obviously if you are religious you could talk about his spirit going to heaven, but in my experience this is much more confusing for children.

Bring out plenty of photographs of him and help your child keep their memory alive. Learning about death and how to grieve is a very important part of life.

My son's father died when my lad was 5. I told him daddy had been very ill and had died, which was very sad. We read Badgers Parting Gift together (several times over the months following his DF's death) and DS came to the funeral. I took care to have photos of him around, and to reference him in conversation.

Thank you so much everyone for the advice and kind words. I've ordered a few books off amazon and I've told her today that uncle x is very very poorly.
Thank you all

@Geordiebabe85 So sorry your family is going through this 💐

Others have given great advice already. I definitely agree with being very factual and using the word “died” etc.

I would also prepare for potential questions that she may have. I have had to have the death discussion with my DS at 2 and again at almost 3.5. He asked me what was wrong with our family members body (he wanted to know specifics) and he wanted to know where their body was now. He asked if we would be able to still play at their house. He attended the funeral of the loved one that passed when he was 3.5 and often visits the cemetery with me. He still asks questions frequently and I try to be open and honest in an age appropriate way.

After telling my 4 and 6 year olds that their dad died, my advice is be honest.
Don't use words like 'gone to sleep' or 'lost' as it suggests they may wake up or come back.

Don't give too much information but be factual. BIL was unwell, he died. This means we won't be able to see him again but we can still miss him and love him.

Answer questions but be open and don't be afraid to talk about your own feelings if you're feeling sad.

This is perfect.

I'm so sorry.

They will have to tell her at some point, right? It's a close relative to her.
Otherwise she will grow up thinking her uncle "had to go away", and everyone else knows that he is in fact dead.

@Geordiebabe85
How very sad that your brother-in-law is ill.

I read your update. Sounds like you are handling it well, explaining it to your daughter.