Etiquette upon death of friends husband

[Iseealittlesilhouetteofaman]

Friends hubby died suddenly a few days ago but I only found out today. I'm worried about doing the wrong thing.

I've messaged but had no reply. I have asked if I can visit. I don't want to impose but wonder if I should just go round to her house. She will have family there I expect as she has 3 daughters plus their husbands.

I have a card to take but it's not much. I thought I should take some shopping maybe?

Please help!

This is hard. You don’t want to get in the way, but want to show you can be there if she needs you.
Maybe cook something like a lasagna etc…. Which can be frozen if not needed, and just leave it on the doorstep with a card?

I'd call her, and leave a voice message if she doesn't answer. It depends how close you are. If very close maybe go round.

This was my mum 5 years ago: she likely is all over the place and hasn’t realised she’s not replied. She’s probably inundated with messages atm. If you are close I would drop round with a card. Maybe take her some food or a candle ? She will be awash with flowers and it’s actually a pain trying to find Space and organise them all. Just keep in touch and let her know u r there x

Absolutely depends how close you are, if you are super close pop round for a cuddle and ready to whatever jobs she may need you to do. Otherwise I think the idea of dropping over a lasagne or similar and a card the right approach...

I was widowed. I'll tell you my experiences.

• Good friends who messaged "you know where I am/let me know if you need anybthing" and were never heard of again. I'm sure they felt they didn't want to intrude and they'd left the ball in my court, but I was never going to ask for their time and after time felt quite offended that the ones I thought were really good friends didn't make more effort, although they'd be perfectly right to say I hadn't either.

• People who invited me to do things with them, even in the first few days. I didn't always go, but they kept trying, the offers meant a lot and some of those people are my new good friends.

• People who either just turned up or just told me they were coming. If they'd asked me if they should come, I'd have probably felt they were offering out of politeness and not to waste their time on me, but there were two people who separately just kept coming. They didn't always stay long, but they were always "there". They are the ones, even now, who I would ask if I needed something.

So, I'd say don't worry about intruding, just do it. Do it gently and be prepared not to stay, but please don't just send "duty" messages.

I'd say don't worry about how "close" you are either. Many of my good friends were disappointing and some aquaintances really stepped up and were brilliant.

Oh and don't take anyhting, unless it's something like pastries to share over a cuppa. I had so many flowers, I started putting them straight in the compost! It was people's time I wanted, not their stuff.

I think to turn up on the doorstep might be a bit much. She either wants to be alone or has loads of people milling around which could be overwhelming. Send the card and then contact her again in a few days.

My uncle died suddenly in January. My aunt really appreciated people who dropped food at the door step and people who kept her busy- going on dog walks, taking her out to different classes or going out for coffee.

Try not to become overly emotional. Lots of people turned up at her house in tears and she is the one who ended up comforting them! Just be there for her.

Yes, much more succinct than me, but exactly that.

Thank you all so much for your helpful replies. It has helped a great deal.

On the back of this I have decided I am going to just drop in unannounced today with just a card. She still hasn't replied to my message even though I can see she's online a fair bit, so I think I've been a bit of a twat sending it in the first place.

PCcrisps so sorry for your loss. I hope you're doing OK now, thank you so much for taking the time to reply, your advice makes so much sense xx