Family issues and impact on funeral decisions

[poormanspombears]

Hi everyone,

My husband recently died in unexpected circumstances. He is currently in our local mortuary awaiting post mortem. I am due to ID him next week.
As his spouse I am NOK. He had no will and he is estranged from his family. They are aware of his death and have basically washed their hands of it all and said it's up to me and to tell them the funeral home and funeral details.
The hard part is that I have decided to go with a direct cremation. They will be SO angry but can't dislike me more than they already do. He would not want a 'proper' service just so they can pretend to an audience that they cared. I have to protect his peace.

Please someone help me validate my decision, I'm struggling here as a chronic people pleaser.

I could say so much more but I'd be writing for the rest of June.

I am sorry for your loss

Simply put - you are next of kin. You know his wishes on this matter so go ahead with the plans that he would want.
They may be cross but - he was your husband and there is nothing they can do to change the plans you make

Look after yourself OP it sounds like a very difficult situation

@Restinggoddess thank you so much for your reply.

I am currently writing to the relative that I do worry about upsetting, but the rest of them can kick rocks.

The more I think about it, I'm doing what he would want so I feel more confident with it all. I'm just a people pleaser by nature

I'm so sorry OP

We're doing the same. Both have little to do with family but know they'll crop up for appearances sake. It's direct cremation all the way. They can have a shindig themselves if they want. I was forced it felt like into a funeral for a close family member not so long back. Now I'm a bit stronger I'm quite annoyed about it. It was horrendous and none of them have been sighted since. It's your choice, sod them.

Canny crack just saying you deal with it all and we'll just turn up though. What unpleasant people.

I'm just a people pleaser by nature

You're a person OP. And in this case you are the only important person. You need to do what you feel is right.

I'm so sorry for your loss You knew what your DH would have wanted, and it is also what you want. So do not let any bugger get in the way of that.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think it sounds the perfect idea. His family can't interfere and you can choose a time and place in the future to remember his life when you're ready.

What an awful time for you - I’m so sorry for the huge loss you’ve experienced.
You know him far better than they do so don’t be guilted into anything. It is his funeral, not theirs, and you are honouring him in the way you know he would have wanted.
I hope you have support during this terrible time. Take care.

I'm sorry for your loss.

You need to do what is right for you and your husband. Maybe you can meet up with the person you are worried about upsetting to have a mini celebration of your husbands life - but only if you want to.

Please take care of yourself and do what you want at this very difficult time.

My condolences, OP.
You are absolutely right to do whatever you think best, and you also know what your husband would have preferred. I am massively in favour of direct cremation, and I would do the same as you.
You do not have to please anyone else, just get through it as best you can.

Sorry for your loss.

You know his wishes, you know this is what he wanted.

Don't let people who have had very little involvement in his life make you change what his wishes were.

I hope you have the opportunity for a memorial at some point in the future with those who really did care.

So sorry for your loss OP. It must be awful for you dealing with this.

As you've said, your DH was estranged from his family and they've washed their hands of it and told you to get on with it. You know what your DH would have wanted, so you do right by him and have the direct cremation. No doubt family don't want to have to contribute, but want to be seen doing the 'right thing'. This time, the only people you have to please are yourself and your late husband. Be strong and do things your way.

I just want to thank everyone who has commented.
I really appreciate your kind words.

He was young (ish) and it was unexpected. No will, no plan, we'd not really expected to have to discuss it so I'm fumbling my way through all this on my own with my family and friends holding me up.

I just needed some stranger clarity that I wasn't being a selfish arse and using it as an opportunity to be spiteful.

He wouldn't want them there anyway. They didn't even offer a eulogy let alone carrying the coffin or financial support, both that I'd take it.

Writing it all out just confirms I'm doing what he would want. They don't deserve to be there

*not that I'd take it