Tips to get through funeral

[Fajita123]

Good Morning everyone.

Has anyone got any tips for getting through the funeral. My dad passed away at the end of April and his funeral is on Monday and I really am a ball of anxiety, I have no idea how I am going to get through the weekend and cope on the day. I am absolutely dreading it

I hate public speaking but have written a tribute as I want to take the opportunity to share how special and amazing my dad was.

Thinking that I might take some calms tablets as they have helped with anxiety before

Ask the celebrant to read your tribute from you

Just turn up (take a valium) and breathe

Pressed semd too early...
Concentrate on a minute at a time

After the funeral will be nice. Friends and family coming together

You've got this.

Very sorry for your loss

Due to my work I'm talking to bereaved families about this all the time. Give a copy of your speech to the celebrant so they can continue if you can't, but most people do manage - my advice is wear something you feel confident in, cup of coffee tea before you leave, use toilet before service starts, at the point where you are due to speak, walk up to the microphone and look up at everyone and smile, look down at your words, breathe and start speaking .,, if it's a church you might be able to go for a practice if that helps.

Would it help to work out what bits of the weekend and funeral are getting to you most? e.g. public speaking, lots of people, crying in public?

Then it might be easier to get a bit of perspective on it, here or talking to friends.

Also, making a plan can help...

Figure out what helps you feel calmer and more stable - an object, a place, a piece of music, a pet. Build some time for that into your weekend and especially as something for yourself after the funeral. Maybe there's something you can take in your bag. Even if you don't use it, the act of thinking and doing something to take care of your needs can be helpful.

I always forget to take tissues, and it occurs to me now that purposefully taking nice tissues (Kleenex aloe or the like) would be a good self care act for me in your situation.

At the funeral...
Rescue Remedy/Calms
A Plan B for the tribute so you have the safety net of someone who will read for you or step in if you need it
A wingman? Someone who knows how anxious you are and can support you. This could be one-way or mutual.

So sorry for your loss

Practice your speech out loud - this is important. Feels weird but the emotional significance attached to the words is immense the first few times you speak them aloud. Keep practicing and you will eventually get through it. Pets make a good audience for your practice if you have any

I did my mum’s eulogy last year and yes, this really helped. Find a spot at the back to focus on when you’re looking up, take it slowly and remember that if you do need to stop for a moment, or if you can’t go on, that’s completely ok and everyone will understand.

I’m so sorry about your dad.

Also, a bit random, but I realised on the way to the crematorium that I’d forgotten a hanky. Quick text to a friend & she was waiting outside with a spare one when we arrived. Is there anyone like that who you can ask to be ready with any small things you might forget to bring for yourself?

Have a back up to read the speech - I thought I could do it but my daughter in law did it in the end. I'm sorry for your loss - I'm sure you'll be fine on the day. Good luck 👍

Thank you all so much for your replies and amazing tips I really do appreciate it all. I have practiced reading it aloud many times and in front of my children I am meeting my friend today and will practice in front of her too. I have timed it and it is 5 mins which sounds long and may be boring for others to hear on the day but there is so much I want to say and share about my dad he really was my everything.

Oh I was going to ask will it look strange if I read it from a peace of paper I just know if I try to read from memory my mind will go completely blank

If I do struggle I will give it to the celebrant to read for me. Thanks for reminding me about the tissues, I will get some fancy ones today!

It’s hard to cry if you look upwards. 5 minutes is a long time…maybe you could make it a little shorter and write some of it up for people to read a wake. Friends did this, photocopies on seats at the chapel and wake.

we have a family tradition of small brandy before setting off…

Oh I was going to ask will it look strange if I read it from a peace of paper I just know if I try to read from memory my mind will go completely blank

Absolutely read it from paper, reciting it would be far too much to ask. The venue is very likely to have a lectern for you to stand at so the paper can just go on there, & I think all celebrants must be very used to taking over if necessary.

When my mum died, the celebrant suggested that any eulogies are done early on in the service before anyone gets too emotional from the music or photos. Best to get it out the way then you can sit down and relax IYSWIM...

We also listened to the music lots in advance. The funeral director let us sit with Mums coffin at the funeral home in the morning (just in our casual clothes) so we weren't too shocked later at the sight of her being carried into the crematorium, Essentially we tried to desensitise ourselves a bit.

I went to my Dad's funeral last week and you have my sympathy, it's a difficult time.
We wrote Dad's tribute but asked a friend to read it for us as none of us thought we would make a good job of it.
The service really reflected my Dad well and in the end it was more comforting and less of an ordeal than I expected. It was lovely to talk to people after the service too and hear other people's thoughts and memories.
Look after yourself.

@Fajita123 I hope the funeral went well today and that you are coping ok, I'm sure it will have been a difficult day.

@EveningSunlight thank you so much for checking in.

It was lovely. I didn't take much in yesterday it was a very long day. We got it streamed so was able to watch it back today and it really was a lovely service. Everybody commented on how we did my dad proud and so many people came up to me and said my speech was really lovely and a beautiful tribute to my dad.

Thank you all for your helpful tips and support x

That's brilliant to hear you got through it okay, OP, and that the service went well. I bet he would be proud of you. Glad it was streamed so you can return to it if you want.

Sleep well.

That’s a big thing you’ve done, @Fajita123. I’m sure your dad would be proud of you & I hope you’re proud of yourself too.

My Mum didn't hold a funeral for her late partner. And that was pretty gutting. And my Dad's funeral was rushed. So I'm kind of jealous of those that do get time. It would have been fascinating to have talked to friends that I had never met, wakes are a rare opportunity, and I really enjoy them, enjoy is probably not the best choice of words. But even if you end up a mess, you might be able to relax a bit later on. You've done well to write the tribute. Great idea to pass it to someone else. Or go in with the idea that someone else will read it, and if you feel the urge read yourself.

(Edit: reads update. Glad it went well.)

I’m sorry for your loss and that I didn’t see your post sooner.

I lost my father in the autumn last year. We were a family of four growing up. Mum, Dad and much older brother. Bro passed away a few years ago, my mother in 2022. I don’t know how I did it, but I spoke at all 3 funerals. They are an ordeal but also part of the healing process.

Take care of yourself and take it gently. Be prepared for the strangest things to make you sad, although you might find you smile about some memories much sooner than you think you will.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You'll be okay but definitely take some Kalms. Good luck, thinking of you.