Returning to work after death of a parent

[WhereDoBrokenHeartsGo]

I went back to work two weeks after my mum died. It did help a little as a distraction but now, a month later, I feel like I’m falling apart.

I don’t really see what’s going to change if I take another week or two off or will I suddenly regain my ability to concentrate and get things done? I’m trying to stay engaged but, when I sit still, all I can think about is my mum being gone.

So just that really - wondering how long people generally take off work? And when you did return, how did you find your focus again?

I had 3 weeks off when my husband died (aged 28) but I don't remember having any time off when mum passed other than the day of her funeral. I was in the middle of a night shift when the call came to tell me my dad had gone and the boss sent me home, I went in for my next shift though. Sitting at home didn't make any difference really, they were still gone.

@WhereDoBrokenHeartsGo there is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is a personal thing and only you know what is right for you.

Some people find keeping busy helps, others find it delays their grief, some need the time immediately others need it later on.

It is not unusual for a GP to sign people off with bereavement reaction.

I wasn't working when my DM died. My DF died on a Thursday and I was back at work the following Monday. Sitting around at home doesn't bring them back, and I think it's better to have something else to concentrate on. However, that's just me, everyone has their own way of dealing with grief. I'm sorry for your loss. 💐

I took 4 months off when my Dad died. He was 47 & I cared for him at home for his last few weeks. Slightly unique situation perhaps in that my parents were self employed and I lived 3 hours away usually. I was given compassionate leave by the NHS as I had to run the business for my Mum. I tried to go back after the 4 months but I couldn't cope with the pressure & being so far away. Everyone deals with grief differently, there is no timeline. Look after yourself.

Sorry to hear about your mum. My local authority employer only gave 2 days bereavement leave. I ended up taking 6 weeks off (signed off by the GP) through sheer exhaustion as I had cared for her 24/7 in the months before her passing away. I don't think I could have managed at work as I had a stressful job as it was.

So sorry for your loss, it’s very recent and I totally understand the concentration issue. My mum died suddenly almost a year ago and I had two weeks off, then we had a planned holiday so went back to work after that.I coped for a few weeks then hit a wall with exhaustion/ stress, as my role involves discussions around impact of death with clients. I then took another week to just ‘be’, sleep, spent time with my teenagers and that really helped me to go back afterwards. There are still days of course, and the anniversary is this weekend, but if you can take the time please do, it’s not selfish, it’s self preservation.

Sorry re your loss, OP

I lost my mum in an accident, mum died on the spot. I was 21 and married but lived with mum and dad

I went to work after 4 weeks. First day back was so hard
Staying at home just made me think re mum
For years I expected her to walk in

It takes time but honestly, time will heal

Your mum would not have wanted you upset and feeling low - think re good times - talk about mum if it helps

Take care

I'm a teacher and tried to go back two weeks after my dad died as I felt the distraction and structure of work would have been good for me. But when I returned I wasn't coping well at all, so the doctor has signed me off until the summer holidays. I do think I will go back before then but for now I need time at home to try to get my head round everything that has happened as my dad's death was very sudden and traumatic.

I know for some people going back to work is a big help so just go with whatever you feel is right. Be kind to yourself

There's no magic number of days / weeks that you will need, it will vary by person, circumstances, and also type of work. If you're struggling you could ask your dr to sign you off but most people do go back to work after a week or two because either they have to (many jobs only give a day or two of compassionate leave so not everyone will have annual leave available and statutory sick pay is so low). Only you know how you feel, what others have done doesn't really matter. Perhaps talk to your line manager, shorter hours for a few days might help?

Both of my parents' death required PMs and a wait for the funeral. My company only offered 2 days compassionate leave so I worked through it. I then had to take time to clear their house so I took leave later on.

I think being at work saved my sanity as the normality of the office life kept me grounded.

I was a child when my dad died and I had a week off school. When I got back nobody said anything, no pastoral care or kind words from the teachers or students.
It wasn't enough. I needed counselling and more time off but back then they didn't know much about childhood bereavement I think. This was 30 years ago.
Take more time. Could you afford to take a sabbatical if your employer was alright with it? I think it will get easier but there's no right or wrong time frame.
I hope you can seek some bereavement therapy?

I wasn't working when Mum died. I took 2 weeks off with Dad, but I really needed that, because I did most of the paperwork and organising to reduce the load on Mum. As someone says above, there is no one 'right' way, you might need more time. Best wishes.

There is no ‘one size fits all’. I took no time off when my mum died apart from a couple of hours for the funeral as it was in the first lockdown and there was nowhere could go. I did all of the arranging/death admin over the phone.

When my dad died, I took the full 5 days my works allows as I was doing all of the arranging including the flowers and the funeral and wake took up a whole day.

If you’re struggling mentally, you should absolutely get yourself signed off.

I took 6 weeks off after my mum died suddenly. My employer was great and kept me on full pay, which was lovely,

After 6 weeks I just knew I was ready to go back. I was still desperately sad but whereas in the early days I was totally consumed, it started to feel like I wanted to take a baby step forward and focus on something else other than my heartache. Everyone is different though and there is no right or wrong way to do it!

Honestly though, to me it sounds like you're just not ready to go back yet. Why not take some more time off but to avoid sinking into your feelings, give yourself a gentle project to help keep your mind occupied? For me it was gardening...my heart was so very heavy but it was really healing just doing jobs in the garden.

These early weeks and months are so, so hard. Go easy on yourself.

Im sorry you're going through this. I lost my beautiful mum suddenly last year and had 5 months off. It was an incredibly dark time for me made worse by the sudden loss of my young dog which hindered any progress I'd made and sent me spiralling again. My boss and team were amazing and when I did go back it was phased and i took on the most basic of tasks because I still couldn't focus on anything more. I felt safer at home in my bubble with my dog just pottering about looking after my daughter and just not engaging really.I wasn't ready to go back to my 'normal ' life of working knowing that my mum was no longer here because in going back to 'normal ' that made it real if that makes sense? In my bubble I could make believe all was ok , not healthy I know but we all cope differently. Take care of yourself and do what feels right , people try to understand but only you know how you feel xx

@spaceitoutplease yes I need to keep myself busy to avoid sinking. So after my dads funeral on Monday I am going to join a gym and do some classes especially yoga which is good for bereavement.

Luckily I have to get up each morning and take my daughter to school which is a good thing otherwise I would just be in bed all day wallowing.
At least I have an excuse to get u paid get dressed and the school run walk does me good.

I have also started guided meditation in the mornings which I think is helping with my thoughts

Sorry for your loss.

When my mum died I took the 2 weeks’ compassionate leave that my employer offered plus another week which I took as annual leave (this was the week of the funeral). I was aware that I could have extended my compassionate leave but it would have meant speaking to HR to plead my case which I simply couldn’t face. I felt ok going back to work but struggled with brain fog and awful sadness for a very long time. I had a couple of periods of being signed off with ‘stress’ which came about after a simple phone consultation with a GP when I felt like things were getting too much.

It’s been just over 3 years now and I still have periods when it’s extremely hard. My mum died on Easter Monday in 2021 and this year I began to feel a terrible sadness coming down on me just before Mother’s Day, which didn’t lift till well after Easter. It was around that time that I finally decided to start counselling to help me to deal with it which I have so far found to be helpful. If you’re able to afford grief counselling or can access it through a bereavement charity then that could help a lot with your lack of focus.

Most importantly, remember that grief is a very individual thing, and please try not to put pressure on yourself to “get over it” by a certain point. Two weeks is no time at all. I would suggest speaking to your employers (by email if you can’t manage talking face to face about it) to let them know you’re still struggling and ask if there are any adjustments they can make for you while you recover.

When df died I took the company week off.had to go back as I was on probation in my new job.
Tbh it was really good for me.
He died a long slow death over months and weeks so it was a release from his suffering.
I did have a day each week where I looked at the memory box I put together and cried or wallowed then stiff upper lip for work.
Everyone is different every grief is different .

Forgot to say I only worked four days weeks for a couple too.

Three days for my Dad. I was very close to him but my form of coping is just to keep going, don't stop, don't think.

Not very healthy probably.

Take some more time. You've tried going back and it looks like it's too soon. Be kind to yourself. If you are lucky enough to have had good parents, it's like being hit with a sledgehammer when you lose them.

Thanks for all the responses, it’s been so helpful reading all your experiences.

I'm sorry for your loss. I took the dad my dad passed and the day of his funeral. My lovely boss said to me at the time- if you need to take time later, that's okay.
I needed to be busy and have an area to focus on that wasn't him or siblings or my mum.
It's hit me the last few weeks and I'm about to ask for that time and if not self certify for a week.
Like others say no right or wrong at all. I hope you find a way to be kind to yourself.

I lost my lovely dad last August, I had 2 weeks off work and was ok when I went back. It has really hit me though, these last couple of weeks and I feel more upset now than I did before.
Grief is very individual and as I have found out doesn't follow the timeline that you expect it to.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum 💐

So sorry for your loss OP. I took a week off. Looking back I was really not ready to go back. I also found it harder to cope later when I sort of crashed, as you are experiencing. My advice would be to take sick leave and see how you are after two weeks. Yes it is good to keep busy but at the moment you need space to grieve and that’s also fine because there is no one way to grieve.