Struggling today

[EveningSunlight]

My mum died in early May, she was 77.

When she was only in her late 40s she had a stroke that left her quite disabled. The stroke broke my heart at the time and all through the rest of her life because it took so much away from her, and from me too. I lived a long drive from her, I tried to move nearer when my kids were younger but there were obstacles and it didn't work out.

She was so sad that she couldn't run around after her grandkids, and with us living far away we could never visit as frequently or as long as either of us would have liked.

A few years ago her mobility declined and we realised her housing wasn't suitable for her any more. In the last few years she become mostly housebound, sitting in a chair watching TV. She was incredibly lonely, she was living with her partner and carer but rarely seeing anyone else, and became understandably quite depressed and a bit withdrawn and angry with the world, even falling out with some friends and family (via email). I visited more often but it never felt enough somehow. I always felt I wanted to rescue her from her sadness and her prison of a house, but couldn't work out how to do that in any practical way.

A year ago I found out about sheltered housing and applied for a place for her, somewhere that has a fantastic community with things like cinema, art clubs etc. The whole site is wheelchair accessible and she wouldn't have been stuck inside all the time. She was eventually offered a place and was so excited about moving there. And with my youngest child about to leave home, I was beginning to explore the idea of moving nearer to her so I could see her more regularly through her final years.

And then unexpectedly, she became unwell, went to hospital, and died a week later, just a few days before she was due to move.

Despite having mobility issues, her underlying health was good, and I expected her to get to her 80s. She wasn't ready to go, she was excited about her future.

I am hurting so much and finding it unbearably painful that she didn't get the enjoyable last chapter she deserved, after being dealt such a bad hand in life and being so unhappy the last few years. And I didn't ever get the longed-for time I wanted to spend with her.

If you're on this board you've probably lost someone too, so I send you all my love and heartfelt condolences.

Sending you lots of love and I am so sorry for the loss of your mum.

Hey, that is very sad, and I can totally understand why it's getting to you. I'm sorry you've lost your lovely mum. I lost my mum last year at 60. She'd just got her first grandchild and had been so looking forward to having grandchildren. I feel so sad she didn't get very long with them. And i didnt get the maternity leave doing things with my mum amd baby that i had hoped for. I remember her saying she felt like she was leaving the party early. It is so hard. There's nothing really to be said, except that I hear you, and it's ok to be sad.

@Depressedbarbie I'm so sorry you lost your mum, 60 is so young, it's so unfair on her, on you, on the kids, that she didn't have much time with her grandchildren. Such a loss for you, when you dreamed of that maternity time (and beyond) together.

Life is so cruel sometimes.

I need to try and remind myself to be grateful for what time I did have, but today it feels like it will never ever seem like it was anywhere near enough.

@EveningSunlight of course it's good to remind yourself of the positives, but it is also OK sometimes to wallow in the feelings of it's so shit and unfair sometimes. Don't beat yourself up for doing that when you need to

Yes I definitely have good days and bad days it really comes in waves. I find the mornings are the hardest or when I am not busy. I am signed off work for a while but sometimes feel like the distraction of work would help but then I know I would be too overwhelmed as I tried to go back to work but struggled so have been signed off longer.

Like @EveningSunlight said it is definitely good to wallow sometimes and have a good cry but I am trying to think of things to do while off work so that I am not wallowing too much. Was thinking to join a gym and do some yoga.

Have you had counselling?

OP, I'm sending you love. It's 8 weeks since my amazing husband died of a stroke at 60, and I miss him so much it hurts.
One of the things that has struck me most is that I'm sad for him that he won't get to do all the things we planned, just as you are sad for your Mum. I'm trying to live my life as we did, which I think is helping a bit. For example, I just finished a DIY project we had planned, and this weekend I'm going to walk into town to go to our favourite cafe and people watch.
I hope you can find comfort in routine.... and keep talking to her!