Should I tell the children?

[SendMeHomeNow]

Looking for advice on whether I should tell my children that a family member has died. They haven’t seen this person for years, so won’t be asking questions about not seeing them again. Both me and their Grandma are very upset though as he was very young and died in a car crash. My children are 6 and 10. The youngest has already asked me what’s wrong. Any advice gratefully received.

Honesty is the best policy. They will find out one day and wonder why you kept it secret if you don’t tell them.

I am sorry

I think you should tell them that you are sad because "they" had an accident and sadly died, it will let them know that these things happen, even if they don't react then they know why you and grandma are upset. I'm sorry for your loss x

I'm afraid I can't imagine why you wouldn't. I have told my children about people dying from when they were very little. If anything its a good opportunity for them to learn about death if its a person that they won't personally be very upset about. If they see you upset & don't understand why they will be confused.

I would tell them. If it's not someone they're close to, it is a good chance to talk about death without it being a really upsetting (for them) experience. The more real we can be with our kids, the better equipped they are for the realities of life. We can't shelter them from death, but it is better to have a "gentle" experience of it, where they won't feel a huge emotional impact, and they can see you being upset and they can learn it's OK to be upset about death by watching you and how you respond to it. Obviously it needs to be age appropriate conversations, but I do fear we sometimes overprotect our kids and it results in them having a greater fear of these topics when they eventually have to face them.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

P.S. I'm sorry. Its so upsetting to lose someone in this way.

I am sorry for your loss. I would say something along the lines of ‘my cousin x has been in accident and died and I am feeling sad’.

Death is, unfortunately, part of life and it’s ok for them to see you be sad about it.

It’s more unsettling for kids to see an upset parent but have no idea what’s going on.

Tell them factually x had a serious accident and sadly died so you and grandma are upset. Don't be surprised if they do ok and carry on playing

I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t…’granny and me are feeling really sad and upset, we’ve just heard that cousin Ricky has died.’

Yes I would definitely tell them, factually as pp have said.

I agree to tell them.

It's a huge part of life and as it's someone they don't know very well - it's a healthy practice run of how families deal with sad news like this this. Tell them about the person, their good points and why you're going to miss them so much.

Also, they may become worried if they see you behaving differently and don't understand why you are sad.

Thanks all. My first instinct was to tell them, then I started to doubt myself. I had a very traumatic experience of a close family member dying young, when I was a similar age. She died a slow awful death though and it really affected me for a long time. I think that’s why I started to wonder if I should just not tell them. I’ll sit them both down and explain in the morning.

Yes, tell them. They are old enough to understand what death is, and that people get upset when someone dies.

Please tell them in a child friendly way, that very sadly someone you care about has died (and gone to heaven- if this is your belief) it is so important that children know about the circle of life and understand death so they can process it. Lying and Covering up is really unhealthy and will make them worry that you are sick or something.

Yes, it's part of life and developing, especially for empathy for you to have lost a loved one. Xx

Sorry for your loss OP.

But yes, tell them. It is disconcerting for child’s to know something is wrong but not know what.

It’s OK for them to know you are sad, and why.

Sorry you had a traumatic experience as a child.

Please don't use euphemisms though. Plain basic language is best, use died not passed away, gone to sleep, slipped away.

Thanks for this, I’ll have a google tonight about the best way to explain.

I would tell them very straightforwardly if you can manage it -- or could their father tell them? I was about 5 when I was told that an 18 year old cousin I'd rarely met had been killed in a car accident, and I can remember feeling solemn and that it made sense of how that adults were behaving. I can't remember if I even said anything in response, but I grew up knowing about it and understood more later.

Tell them, if you don't tell the truth children make things up and they are ego centric when young so will assume it's about them- they've made you sad or done something wrong.

Yes, I would definitely tell them. They are old enough to understand about death, presumably, and I think it’s sensible that they know why you and their Grandma are so upset. Just something along the lines of;

”We found out yesterday that my cousin Harry was in a car accident, and unfortunately he died. I know you two didn’t really know him, but Grandma and I are feeling very sad about it. That’s why I was upset yesterday, so thank you for asking if I was OK.”

I’m sorry for your loss.

Thanks everyone. I feel better about being able to tell them this morning, I guess I’m not feeling as shocked. Thanks for the advice all.

I had a similar situation. As others say above I just explained that I was sad due to the fact a family member had died. They did ask questions about the accident (which was pretty horrific) so I just did my best to answer as simply as possible. It helped them to understand why I was sad and as others say, understand the concept of people dying (without it being someone they were particularly close to). 💐 for you OP. Make sure you give yourself time and space to work through your feelings separately from the children too x