Friends

[Thor20000]

If a friend of over 30 years lost a parent and you lived in the same village, would you call round to see them? Or just send a message saying 'you know where I am if you need anything'?

AIBU to think the latter is just a bit shit?

yes if they were a good friend they would come to see you, check you're ok.
A 2 second text is an easy option for them, which doesn't take any effort.
you find out who your real friends are at times like this.

Would call round to see them however I’d message first and make sure it was a suitable time , in case they had family or other friends in, I wouldn’t just turn up.

id also give them space for a week to deal with anything they had to do.

I have learnt over the last few years that some people seem to think the kind thing to do is to leave the person to grieve and deal with things, them thinking it is an act of kindness. Perhaps that is how they think they would like to be treated.

I know that it feels very hurtful though when you are already grieving. If you are feeling up to saying it, you could say to them that you do need them. However I know how hard it can be when you are grieving and you shouldn’t have to tell people how they should be supporting you.

I’m sorry for your loss. ❤️

I’d pop a card through their door, with a ‘if there’s anything I can do’ type message.

I would say ' I would love to come round and see you/ bring you dinner one day this week. Is there a day that works best for you? I totally understand if this is too much for you - I am also happy to drop food off on your doorstep if that would be helpful to you.'

I really wouldn't say 'if theres anything I can do' because it is an empty offer.

Everyone grieves in a different way. So you might need your friend to come round and sit with you but for someone else that might be the worst thing and they just want to be with their family. That is why people will send a message saying let me know if you need anything because they don’t know what you need and second guessing might upset the grieving person more.

If they were a close friend I'd obviously be regularly in touch anyway and would step that up around a bereavement if they seemed to want that.

A more distant friend/acquaintance I'd send a message of sympathy, attend the funeral (friend moreso than acquaintance) and then just check in when I next saw them.

Regardless of how close we lived.

I know I am overly emotional, but said friend suffered a significant loss 3 years ago. I went round with cards and flowers a couple of days after and then regularly messaged in the days before the funeral to check in. Yet all I have had is 1 text message and a card posted through the letterbox.
Perhaps it has just brought their own grief to the forefront and they are struggling, but I can't help but feel a little hurt.

oh I didn't realise you were the one grieving! im sorry for your loss

I think it's ok for someone you're not really close to. My friend who went through a grievance only really received texts and they were all 'let me know if you need anything' it was disappointing. I think death is a time where friends need to step the fuck up

Thank you all for your kind words.

12 days after the death and still no phone call or visit. I guess you really do find out who your friends really are. Disappointing.

Ah that's so tough. The most generous explanation is that she can't cope with supporting you.

Sorry for your loss xxx

so not even a follow up text to ask how you are doing in 12 days? it would only take her 2 seconds. how awful!. Im sorry but she's no friend.

No, nothing. I'm just waiting to see if she comes to the funeral. If not, it may be time to distance myself.