How to make sense of my feelings - selling parent’s house

[adviceatthislatestage]

DM died in February. I’m sole executor and have dealt with all of the admin that goes with that.

DB lives in the US, so not around to help at all. Plus, he’d been estranged from our parents for 25 years. If he’d come to the UK for work he wouldn’t see them, although we’d always have dinner and catch up. The last time he saw DM was in 2015 for about ten minutes.

Mum’s will stipulates 50:50 split and I’ve known this since it was written in 2016. Hand on heart, I can say this has never been an issue for me despite the fact that DB has not been around at all for mum. There was talk briefly last year talk of making changes, but it never happened and by then she’d just been diagnosed with dementia so not sure if it’d have even been possible.

She’d lived there for almost 50 years. It’s the house we grew up in and holds so many memories. It still smells of her and each time I open a cupboard or a drawer I find something that takes me back years. I’ve taken down some old pictures / calendars- mum had several all around the house. but I don’t want to take them all down as otherwise it won’t look like her house anymore- guess that sounds stupid?

Now that probate has been granted, and to give DB his share of the estate, I have to sell mum’s house. So earlier this week I signed a contract with an estate agent, and they’re asking me for a date to come round and take photos so it can be marketed etc. I’m stalling as the thought of it being sold is filling me with dread. It just feels so wrong to do this.

Rationally I know that the house is just an house, and with DM (and DDad before her) gone, it’s not theirs anymore, so why am I feeling like this?

To compound the issue, I also admit to starting to getting a bit miffed that DB is going to get £££ when he hadn’t been part of my parent’s life for so many years. It’s only the last few days that I’ve started to feel like this. It’s not that I’m after his share as such, or feel I deserve to; just more that my mum was ever hopeful almost to the end that he’d come back to her and he never did. And that hurt her, so I think I do resent him a bit for that.

Not sure what responses I’m hoping to get but feels good to write it down.

That all sounds really difficult for you. No advice really but your feelings are valid and I think I would also be feeling rather resentful about the situation. But you will want to have a relationship with your DB going forward so.... Just make sure that any financial outlay for things like clearing / re-decorating house ready for sale is paid for by the estate, not by you!

I understand feeling angry that someone that couldn't manage a phonecall on birthdays and Christmas will be happy to accept/spend your mum's money.

However you do need to remember that your mum had decades to change her will if that was what she wanted to do and she didn't choose to.

Depending on the reason your mum and brother were estranged I could understand if you didn't want a relationship with your brother any more. I suppose whether you think his reasons for causing her sadness were valid or if you think he was just lazy.

This sounds so tough, a house holds so many memories. My mum died earlier this month, sadly her and my step dad were due to move from their home of 25 years so her house was already half-packed when she died. I helped my stepdad move just 3 days after she died and it was extremely distressing finishing the packing and moving him out so soon after her death. But I know I would also have found it distressing months or perhaps even years later too. I wish it was still as it was and I was able to visit and miss my mum's presence there and look at the place she sat each day etc. I'm already dreading clearing and selling my dad's house when he goes as he's been in his house almost 50 years.

I took photos and videos of the house when it was packed, I photographed the light-coloured marks left by the pictures in my mum's room, the ghosts of their life there. I took video of each room and photographed the views from each of the windows. I stood in each room and spent time crying and remembering all the times we'd shared there. It was one of the most painful days of my life saying goodbye to that house.

To me it makes so much sense that you'd feel the way you do about the house, so many of your memories will be there, and having to pack it up and sell it is another enormous goodbye. Allow yourself time to grieve the house and the times you had in it, as well as grieving your mum.

It's natural you'd start to feel that way about your brother and the money too, it's ok to resent him for not being in your mum's life.

You have to sell the house. It is your duty as your mother's executor and to your brother as the 50% beneficiary. You are grieving as well as dealing with complex feelings towards your brother, your childhood home and most likely your mother in willing 50% to your brother. Unfortunately, you don't have time to get over these feelings whilst the paperwork has to be done. So sorry you have to deal with all this alone. Makes it triply harder.

Did your mother stay in it until her death? You mention she had dementia so she may not have been able to age in place? If she did not die in the home, in a sense, she had already left it.

You have to say goodbye to your childhood home. Spend a few days there. Take photos of all the rooms. Do a video. My estate agent did a great 3D video walk through of all the rooms. Could the agent do one for you before it has been cleared out for sale?

Go through her personal belongings. Presumably your brother does not want any so choose what you want to keep for yourself. Little things like her scissors or comb or mobile phone. I took my dad's mobile phone to use and every time I use it, I am reminded of him in a nice way. I knew if I asked, he would have wanted me to have it.

What about her jewellery? Does that go to you under the will. Again, jewellery is a nice keepsake. When I wear my mother's jade pieces, I feel close to her.

Take down her photos. Keep the photo albums. Where else would they go if you need to clear it out anyway.

I understand what you mean about opening cupboards and drawers and the memories come back. Maybe it would help to give some of her things away and get someone else to dispose of the rest. I know it would be too much for me to throw away her clothes and personal effects. But I would not be able to take all of them, so it either goes to a good home or end up in the tip.

Be gentle with yourself. You don't have a choice in this. The house has to be sold. But you always have your memories

I am so sorry. I have no advice but wanted to say I can totally relate. My Dad died last year and I am in a similar situation. The house, the home I lived in from age 5 will have to be sold. We haven’t got probate through yet so not put it up for sale. My sibling is also considering buying my half out. Is that something you could do? They are considering selling their own home to get the money. That also brings lots of emotions. But I guess it feels better to have them there, it wouldn’t work for me to live there for work and family reasons etc. The idea of selling the house and going through everything in it is heartbreaking. It is not something I want to do but know soon I will have no choice.

It's a horrible thing to have to deal with, am dreading it. Be gentle with yourself and don't expect it to be without tears.

I think the best way to look at your mother giving equal shares to you and your brother is to consider her unconditional love for her offspring, even if not returned.

It is always a very difficult thing to have to clear out a childhood home.

Do you have a good friend who might help you ? I would do that for a friend. They can be practical without the emotion, and sort through a lot of the less emotional side of things with you.

I'm hopefully about to exchange on DPs house this week. It's my childhood home filled with many happy family memories, but it's time a new family took it on, updated it to suit them and got the opportunity to create their own memories in the house.
I cleared all the paperwork into 2 suitcases and relatives came over and took specific pieces they wanted. British Heart Foundation took items of furniture (with fire labels) and raised a fair bit of money which DPs would have appreciated.. The rest was cleared by a clearance company otherwise I would have dithered over every single item - as everything has memories attached. Take photos of your favourite items that you don't have room for and need to dispose of, and do a video walk through.

Its tough for sure. But honestly, once the furniture is gone it's just a house in need of a new family to call it home ❤️

It's a horrible time OP.

My DH lost his parents within a couple of months of each other last year and we are in the process of obtaining probate and emptying out the house (your probate came quickly, did you use a solicitor?). It's a long emotional journey.

I've persuaded DH to get clearance people in as it would take us months/years to empty the house and there's too much emotion involved, so we are currently removing what we want (and other family members), before getting them in to clear it.

He's an only child and has often said he wishes he had a sibling to share this with, but your story goes to show it doesn't always help.

Look after yourself.

Heartbreaking. I was the wronged party in this type of situation. I can't get over it.
Can you get some support from a friend at all?