Help me decide - direct cremation or cremation with time in the chapel

[MarmaladeSunset]

My mum died recently and I need to organise her funeral event/s. She left a plan detailing an informal celebration of life party with food, beer, flowers and a playlist of songs that tell the story of her life instead of a eulogy. She requested cremation. I am making plans for the celebration of life party, but as she didn't leave plans for the cremation itself that part is harder.

My stepdad her partner of 45 ish years struggles with formal occasions like funerals and weddings. None of us are religious.

I can't decide between direct cremation or cremation with time in the chapel. If we had time in the chapel we'd probably do something like listen to her favourite songs, light a candle, perhaps have a drink of something she liked and raise a glass to her. It would be quite informal, with only 5 close family members there. But I'm not sure if it would be a bit weird, without the structure of a ceremony, and feel uncomfortable and awkward for us all, which makes me think go for direct (unattended) cremation. But then I also feel a little weird not saying an official goodbye to her body and waving her off.

Any thoughts or experiences you can share to help me come to a decision?

Personally, I think your stepfather gets to choose, as her husband. Have you asked him?

I’d go direct cremation, with a celebration of her life when you have her ashes. It’s sort of what she has asked.
I think we are conditioned to a certain way of doing these things so anything else feels a little alien.

I think if you have even the slightest doubt about the cremation being unattended, then it would be the wrong thing to do. You get one shot at this and any regrets would be so hard to live with.

I get that your stepdad struggles with formal occasions-it absolutely doesn’t need to be formal, it could just be you and him…play some music, light a candle, you don’t even need to say anything, but think long and hard before you commit to unattended

We had a celebration of life direct attended funeral then the coffin was taken away it was a beautiful with photos and music and we had teas coffees etc the setting was in the woods with deer at the windows and we could wonder the grounds....it was reasonable too less than £2300 the non attended were £2000. ....Green acres Beaconsfield my Nephew with ASD went in on his own to say a goodbye privately.

Until my husband died I thought I was OK with direct cremations but I discovered that I wasn't. If you have any doubts I would go for the attended chapel, I think what you have planned sounds a lovely way say your final, private goodbyes to her.

I’ve literally just done this with my Dad last week. It was abroad but what I decided was a small gathering in one of the places the crematorium has available. There was coffee/tea and wine/beer as well as cake. We played my Dad’s favourite music and I spoke about him then my uncle spoke about him and finally a cousin sang a song. Afterwards we had everyone back to my Dads place for a BBQ.

There were a few raised eyebrows because that’s not how things are done there but that’s how he would have wanted it and I didn’t really care what anyone else thought. I also asked people to wear bright colours as my Dad was a very informal man.

My condolences for your loss and whatever you feel your Mum would have wanted will be the right thing 💔

Both my parents had a traditional cremation service at the crematorium. My parish vicar conducted both services. My Mum’s very simple to make things a bit easier for my Dad. His was a celebration of his life with a photo montage and eulogies by myself and my son. We had the wakes in the same local restaurant. It did give closure and both were a celebration of their lives. I think your stepdad probably should decide how much of any traditional elements of the funeral he can feel comfortable with and your Mum’s wishes are also a big consideration.

My brother passed away a few years before my parents. He a humanist service at a local burial ground but wasn’t buried there. After the very long service with 4 eulogy type tributes, music, photos etc. close family went on to the crematorium for a further brief service. There was then a wake at his house. It was an exhausting ordeal for my parents and quite difficult for me too. That said there was more closure from it than I expected.

My brother died recently and unexpectedly. We are having a (C of E) church funeral service as he was very traditional. I am organising, I was ok with direct cremation following that but my other sibling and cousin wanted attended so I have booked that. They will attend that but I can say my goodbye at church.

I would just talk to the people that matter and see how they feel. I am sorry for your loss.