Loss of grandparent

[SweetPeaPods]

My father in law passed away very suddenly last week. We are still not sure whether our 2dc will attend next weeks funeral, ds1 is 11 and ds2 is 9. Both saying they don't want to go currently.
FiL had 6 grandchildren, the 2 older girls (my nieces) will be attending.
I'm not really sure what I'm asking, but I would really like to do something with the younger ones so they can be present at the funeral even if they don't attend.
I was thinking of pre recording a short video where they said a few things each about their grandpa, or a slide show of photos to play but I'm really not sure. Wondered if anyone had any ideas, or things that they have done previously? Am I thinking too much into it?

I am curious as to why they won't go to the funeral themselves, it can be very meaningful and help to process what has happened. Is there definitely no way they can go, can they be encouraged or could it be helpful to explain why funerals are important and valuable?

Otherwise, if your partner is giving a eulogy, perhaps a few heartfelt quotes from your kids could be more impactful?

We've asked them and they said they don't want to go. I don't want to make them and want to respect their decision.

I'm sorry for your loss . I think it's completely fine for the children to choose not to attend, although it may be worth just double checking with them that they don't have any misconceptions or unnecessary fears about what happens at a funeral, e.g. a friend's teenage son was very anxious and nearly didn't attend a beloved grandparent's funeral because of a mistaken fear (based I think on US TV shows which was his only experience of funerals at the time) that there would be an open casket and he would be required to kiss his granny, when of course that is not the norm at all in the UK.

You might want to reassure them (whether or not they choose to attend) that it's ok for their feelings to be whatever they are, it's ok to cry and feel sad but it's also ok to remember the happy memories of grandad etc and that people at the funeral may well do both. I think for your 12yo in particular it's a tricky age, they're old enough to want to do the right thing and behave 'properly' (which in their mind might be lots of crying and feeling really really sad all the time) but also still very young and don't necessarily have an adult's perception of death so they can get themselves into a right muddle about whether it's still ok to do normal things, for boys in particular they can be confused about whether it's ok to cry publicly and for either gender seeing adults really upset and crying can be confusing and worrying. So really the best thing you can do is have lots of gentle, open conversations, following their lead leading up to but also well after the funeral itself?

If they don't come though it's a nice idea to include them in some way, I'm not sure about the video, I know today's kids are much more used to being filmed and recorded but even so I think they might be self conscious about saying the wrong thing or looking too upset/not upset enough or just simply not being able to put their feelings into words. I think more passive ways of being involved might be better, choosing favourite pictures is a good one, or helping to choose a reading or poem or hymns/music for the service?

i don’t think you have to do anything other than what you’re doing in private with them - ie - giving them the choice to attend and explaining what happens at a funeral.

people attending the funeral will know that your FIL was loved by his family and no doubt the grandchildren will be named. Just because ur children aren’t attending doesn’t mean they won’t be acknowledged in proceedings- everyone will understand their choice.

Do u feel that sometimes they are not ’seen’ by the wider family more generally? I just was curious about the sharing of a film of the kids at the funeral. If anything, I wd get them to do something for your husband - a picture of FIL, a painting of their favourite day with FIL - that might be of particular comfort your husband wen he has just lost his dad.

Do what you think is right but don’t feel that their absence at the funeral or a lack of a video, handwritten poem etc reflects badly on them or you. Make things as easy on yourself and your family as possible. Sometimes just turning up at the funeral is enough - and obv the kids get a free pass on that.

sorry for your loss 💐

My children 15 and 14 attended by dads recently and it helped them process it.

My younger two 5 and 3 attended the wake only.

We put them all in the eulogy and shared photos of dad with them all during the funeral.

I don’t think anyone would expect them to be there as they’re quite young. I think attending the wake is important as that’s the celebration of life and where memories are shared x

Also, I think the unknown is worrying. Funerals can be scary for children and they don’t really know what to expect x

Thank you