If were widowed, what little things helped the most?

[littlecurtainsdoorway]

Someone in my extended family lost her husband (aged 38) suddenly a couple of months ago. I've lost loved ones but I can't even begin to imagine what she's going through (two young children as well).

I'm a long distance away and can't help much in practical terms but are there things I can send, gestures that would just remind her we've not forgotten (post funeral...which often happens!!). Obviously no one can take this devastating loss from her but I think it definitely helps to know you've got a 'tribe' to support you with cards, letters, small gestures?

If you have been in this position, did anyone do anything that particularly helped? Looking for ideas....

The thing I appreciated most was the continuing presence of friends in the months that followed, both local and non local. A quick catch up text on a regular basis will mean a lot, it doesn't have to be a big thing, just knowing people are around and thinking of you even at a distance.

Just stay in touch. You don’t need to send things (though chocs etc are appreciated as a token of love). But please stay in touch - and don’t take offence if you don’t get a reply immediately. Often the times long after the funeral are worse as the shock wears off and you realise this is your life now.

Thank you for this. I've just bought a nice card and will drop it in the post tomorrow. I'll do that periodically (with no expectation of a reply) just to remind her that I care. Going to be on the lookout for some nice cards!

Frankly it's practical stuff that's needed immediately (taking the kids off for the afternoon, a few stick in the oven meals). After a couple months just company, and invites out - it's amazing how now you are no longer half of a couple the social side drops off a cliff. But you say you are some distance away - maybe invite her and the kids for the weekend if you have room (unless you are abroad or something).
What I didn't find helpful was the 'let me know if I can do anything' - that put the onus on me to ask for a favour. And cards? No I didn't want any more of those. A phone call is better.

I’m three months in from my dh’s death. The time when people just seem to disappear ! I found practical support or a telephone call way better than a random txt that says ‘ thinking of you ‘ or ‘ what can I do to help ‘ That is either a txt she can’t reply to or puts the onus on her to plan . Book in a weekend to see her / babysit for kids / dog sit . And don’t send flowers - !! - they die and just make the passing of time more obvious . And don’t give soup - kind though it is everyone seemed to think I wanted to go on a soup diet !

I'm just over two years in, and am down to about six friends out of a wide circle who appear to give a shit. My circumstances are a bit different. I'm a bit older and my kids are grown, however, I would say bear in mind this is a long haul situation.

What I've found - though I appreciate every situation is different - is that people can come in hot and heavy for the first few months, then "normal" life resumes for them, and one can feel sort of bereaved all over again. So it sort of requires a bit of commitment I feel.

Of course as a widow you have to adjust, but it changes you - it turns your life upside down, and I've come across barely disguised frustration that I haven't picked myself up and dusted my self down fast or stoically enough.

You sound lovely and I appreciate that at a distance your ability to help practically is limited but from a personal perspective consistency is key. I appreciate that it's a fine line to tread - supporting someone through such a devastating loss is hard. Regular check ins are ideal, and also remembering that with such a loss can also come a loss of sense of self, never mind the loss of their person.

There can be an element of "putting a brave face on" because that's what's expected, while someone is really deeply struggling and might need to express that.

Isolation happens by accident - a tribe may assume that everyone is doing a bit, but maybe nobody is.... and it can feel rude to ask because everyone's got stuff going on. I have felt a bit like a baton in a relay race, and my trust has been eroded in both the wider world and myself and people around me too.

I'm sorry if I'm being a bit heavy and gloomy, but in a nutshell I think when you send cards and messages, try and make her feel valued for herself as much as for her situation if you know what I mean? It's hard to explain. Just before Christmas I had a complete meltdown because I felt as though I was "just" DPs widow, if that makes any sense.

Sorry, I'm waffling on but I wanted to try and give you some pointers. As I say, everyone's experience is different on both sides. Just keep the lines of communication open as much as you can xxxx

Absolutely this!

I lost my husband 2 years ago and people don't like talking about him or mentioning his name. It's like they've forgotten he existed and I hate it! But he was in my life for 32 years and I can't just pretend he never existed, It's hurtful!

Also, please never say you should be over it by now!!
My bff said my mother should be over it 6 months after my dad passed. They were together from age 13 and he passed aged 78. My bff knew I wasn't over my loss and I found it very hurtful that she thought my mother should be over it.

Just talk about your friends hubby as in I remember when John said this or did that and we all laughed so much. Remind her of good memories. Don't make her feel as if she has to hide her memories to protect everyone's feelings. Good luck

Agree about the flowers. I was sick of the sight of them when DH died during lockdown.

I did appreciate it when a former colleague turned up at my door with afternoon tea for me about three months in. I’d stopped eating - it gave me an excuse to eat again - I couldn’t waste it. (I went through a ‘he can’t so I shouldn’t’ phase.)

I’ve no kids of my own, so hearing from people was precious. The fact that it was lockdown added to problems.

Would add that when you ask how someone is and they say ‘okay’, they’re really not, not when they’ve lost their life partner.

Just to add…be aware that a widow is likely traumatised.

I was married 27 yrs. DH’s ex is with her 4th partner. I was ‘civilised’ and said it was fine for her to go to the funeral.

3 days later, she turned up on my doorstep, wanting to know what I was doing with his ashes.

I was numb at the time, told her kids “Oh, it’s just X…” when it was discussed over the phone…

2 months later I snapped and was caught referring to her as a bunny boiler… Complications ensued. The kids and grandkids have gone NC with me. (I’m certain that they still buy the claim that I wrecked the first marriage. Nope. She had an affair at work.)

Anyway, I doubt that anyone will blow things up in such a spectacular manner as I did, but be aware that when folks are in the depths of grief they can go a bit bananas.

Totally agree about flowers, they die too!
I am nearly 2 years since my lovely DH died and guess what I am still grieving despite what my friends are saying. I find the best people are people in the same situation. Even my caring family keep nagging me to try to enjoy myself!
Take care we are always ready to listen.

I agree with others, keeping in touch over time is the most important thing that helps in my experience. It's just over 3 years since my DW died and although life is good and positive for the DC and I, and even though I've very much come to terms with her death, a day doesn't go by where I don't think of or chat with the DC about her. Those friends who are still in touch regularly, I value dearly. I have noticed that a lot of the immediate contact has slowly drifted away, which I do understand, life goes on etc.

Yes. The people who supported me during lockdown were two widows who took it in turns to phone me every day…often just listening as I sobbed down the phone.

Just a thought does anyone have empty chair syndrome, I will look up and am momentarily “shocked” to see his chair vacant!

I also get the “Oh, I must tell him about this!” moments.

SNAP WearyAuldWumman and it’s nearly 2 years, I miss our political chats!

Losing your partner is an eye-opening business.

• you find out who your friends are. One couple we had known for years and with whom we holidayed many times came to the funeral ... and then zilch. It hurts.
• friends invite other couples, but not us stray singles.
• when you socialise you have to steel yourself to watch everyone else going home either with or to someone.

It is prettyshit really and you feel obliged not to seem needy.

You can help best by keeping in touch ... and by keeping that up and not dropping off the radar at some point when it is deemed she is/should be "over it." Over it simply does not exist. Walking alongside the grief is a life sentence.

Can so relate to the empty chair! I have long conversations with dh - asking him his opinion and then filling in his answer. I still can't sit on his side of the sofa. And rectangular dining tables are horrid - the empty space is particularly evident ! I'm even thinking of getting a round table to avoid the aspect of an empty chair

My wife passed away in January and I have this thought daily. I see something on TV and my mind immediately tells me it's something to discuss with her.

Hurts when I realise I can't anymore

And as a widower. Just keep in touch, even if only a text.

As a bloke I haven't many close friends. My wife had lots. One regularly messages to ask how I am . Priceless.

Lots who seemed to make the 'right' noises when my wife died have never been in touch. I know they don't have to and I shouldn't expect it but still hurts.