Grief in my relationship after parent loss

[OneChirpyPeer]

Hi,

My partner lost his mother at the end of July last year, this has and still does impact our relationship today. Whilst he seemingly managed after it happened, it was about two months or so later when all affection seemed to disappear, I barely see him and he stays at his family's home to sleep every night. He was close to his mother in a way that cannot be described, they were inseparable and had the most beautiful relationship.

Side note we have a home together and have been together for 6 years now. We are both mid 30's.

I am here for him wholeheartedly and we have discussed our relationship multiple times but he's never actually left our relationship, he doesn't really say much. We do speak nearly every day via text. It's just a total 180 of what we were. We were so close and had nothing but adoration for each other.

Is it fear of losing someone else close to you and feeling vulnerable?

Is it scared of being close to someone again and going through the pain of loss?

I want to be there to provide support as much as I can and understand. It feels like this may just be our life now, however I want to understand (to an extent) the impact that grief of a parent has and others experiences. Thank you.

For me, my grief after my dm died made me cling to my Dh and dc more.

But l think everyone’s different.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow I do but as you say everyone's different. I'm just curious as to others experience

Both of us have had it very bad, with mutual loss. Decade later, and today I felt perhaps I was getting through it. An offer of a shoulder goes a long way even if it's not taken. Many friends just dropped each of us given how crap it all was. Not fun. I'll offer some pithy platitude of just get on with life and have some fun. Don't be like us and lose a decade to pain.

Is he depressed? I've had periods of depression in the past and it made me withdraw from affection and intimacy as I felt like I didn't deserve it. Once I started medication things went back to normal not long after and I was all over my OH again.

It might be worth him seeing a GP

@DoAWheelie hes been given some but he says they just make him feel no different.

Has he had any therapy? It seems like he has complex grief and would perhaps benefit from talking about his relationship with his Mum (and you) somewhere. I don't mean that judgementally, it's just that he seems caught in something as that is such a massive behaviour change. I don't think it's unreasonable of you to say to him you are feeling the loss of him right now also, I wonder if that is somehow related to how he is behaving (he has had a big loss and he wants you to feel it too).

Hi OP, I lost my dad and few years ago and grief does funny things to you. It is not a simple structured process. It makes you face an uncomfortable truth. On top of that you just miss the person that's gone. It can take a good long while to feel yourself again and there is no hurrying up the process. I'd recommend you listen to Griefcast podcasts on spotify. I found them really helpful in verbalising some of the feelings I had but also solidifying the fact that grief is not one thing. It is many different experiences of varying durations.

@coffeeisthebest I haven't really thought about that? It could be? I just don't know and neither does he, he has said that he can't focus on anything else in his head other than his grief but that was months ago and hasn't said anything since. He really does need to speak to someone and I hope he does come to realise this. Before his mum passed, well, before she was diagnosed he was literally always all over me and would tell me he loved me all the time and we would never be apart, now I'm lucky if I get one text a day sometimes.

Thank you, I really appreciate your response and I am so sorry for your loss x