My dad

[Owls912]

Two weeks ago my dad who lived alone passed away unexpectedly at the age of 71. My partner found him the next morning as I had been trying to call him and got no answer . We had to sit with him until police came who then laid him on his living room floor . It was so undignified and I asked them to move him into the bedroom . I can’t get any of this out of my head . We didn’t have to get a post mortem done as his GP signed his death certificate that day .
my dad was everything to me him and my mother separated when I was 7 and I spent every day with him and stayed weekends . As he got older he relied on me for household tasks but he was still 100 per cent mentally fine . I can’t cope without his texts his phone calls just knowing he was there clearing out his house is hellish as he had moved in 3 years ago and was so happy with it .
very very few people around me have lost a parent and I can’t cope with the cliches and already get the sense that life has moved on and people are tired of me already . The smallest things set me off crying . My partner even though he was the one who found my dad keeps complaining that I am irritable and grumpy although his own father died of cancer when my partner was 30 he just doesn’t seem to be on same wavelength as me about grief . Don’t even know why I am posting this but I just feel very lonely and meh .

I’m so sorry for your loss.
It sounds as if you may benefit from the support of someone understanding. I know how difficult it is, and sadly people around you do move on remarkably quickly.

https://www.cruse.org.uk/

I'm so so sorry for your loss. It is a very sad time and you miss your dad so much. I lost a close relative and am devastated so understand how you feel.
It is hard when people around you don't realise how much pain you are in or think you should have to move on quicker than you feel you can.
Also hard when everyone around you doing normal things and not letting you grieve properly as they want you to move on.
This is why it is worth going to bereavement counselling as others will understand you and your pain and empathise.
Take all the time you need.
Some people don't grieve as much as they aren't a close family or different type of person but you need to do this in your own time.
Also what happened with your dad was very quick and you are probably still in shock so it is going to take time.
Sending you lots of strength and support. There are people on here in very similar situations who do empathise with you and understand how much pain you are in.
I'm not sure if you are religious or not but I was lapsed in my religion and not sure I believe still but the priest after me not attending church for years has been amazing and not trying to get me back there but just supported me and other family.

That sounds so awful, what a terrible shock 💐 and it was only two weeks ago, you poor thing. I am so sorry for your loss xx

Being there when he was found, and not being able to move him in a respectful way, must have been so hard too. It must have added another layer of terrible pain for you. x

Ignore anyone, including your partner, who even tries to suggest you should be feeling OK again after a fortnight. Your boyfriend is supposed to be your rock, your support, he should be doing better for you.

I am so so sorry. Take your time to grieve and seek help when you are ready. Talk about him as much as you can. He is still with you but just not physically .
as time goes on you will still miss him terribly but will start to remember all the good times you had. He sounds blessed to have a wonderful daughter and you were clearly blessed to have a super Dad
take care

Sending you all my love!

I'm 3 years on from losing my dad (early 60s) and it hurts still. Everything can be a trigger.
You are in early days and that was a traumatic experience in itself. You should seek help. I found cruise useful to have a stranger to talk to, if nothing else.

People don't know how to support the bereaved. You need to tell them (I'm sorry to say that, but that has been my experience). Grief is so individual. Be upfront if you need distraction or to talk. If something is too raw then say.
You'll need to be your own advocate.

Both DH and I lost parents far too young. I'd say it took each of us around 18 months to find a new normal.
Please be kind and patient with yourself too OP: it is beyond hard.

I do feel so young to have this happen to me I can’t even think of one person in my work of about 45 people who have lost a parent it just seems so unfair and cruel he had plans he had just had shopping delivered . I have a large family but I’m at the early stage still of where I just want mt dad no one else . It’s horrific I don’t think anyone understands bereavement until it happens to them I’ve lost grandparents before which was sad but my dads loss is the genuinely worst thing that’s faced happened to me in a not very lucky life

@Owls912 you've hit the nail on the head. You really have no idea until you've gone through it.
Makes it harder for those of us who experience loss so young - we're trying to deal with it and our friends (typically the same age) aren't the help that we need.
And yes it is always our rock who has died so the one we need isn't there!

I wish I could offer help and not just solidarity.

The line "it gets easier" is rubbish and at best said as kind comfort. I use the term "you numb to it".

I went to my dad's house two days after he died. Had to clear away the leftover lasagne he had on the worktop for dinner that night. Weirdest thing to be ugly crying while scraping food into the bin! (And while doing basically anything and everything for a long while)

Have you had much time off work?
I am you three years ago. I was on maternity leave so lucky in the fact I had time off, although the routine and purpose of work might have helped.

I’ve took a sick line as usually the days I went into work I would go to my dads straight after work for dinner and he was always messaging me to check what time I would be in then days when I wfh he would always message me at the same time I work in quite an intense job and honestly the thought of work at the moment is just something I couldn’t cope with at all .
It’s definitely the small thing that sets me off too chocolate wrappers on my dads floor the thought of things he wanted to watch or eat in the next week that he never got to do he had only just got a new tv for his bedroom . It’s just the worst I woke up crying today .

Hand hold to you 💐

When I did return to work I was so nervous about people saying "sorry" or giving me a sad look.
The expectation was worse than the reality. Can you change your work routine for different activities at key points in the day?

My weirdest was crying while shaving my legs. Remembering mum teaching me and sis how to do it.
For a long time after my dad died a car door slamming outside would get me. My brain would auto ask if he was popping around and then my conscious brain would realise No.
Oh,and funny memes. Realising I had no one to share with.

Sorry for starting a pity party here Owls 🍷🍸🍺☕ there's a virtual drink and chocolate hobnob here for you anytime.
Usually it'd be an Aldi knock-off but I'll treat you to the full McVities. We can leave the wrapper on the floor if you'd like as a tribute, or we can put it in the cupboard half eaten and grab a tiramisu
(Tiramisu? I've not had one in forever. They aren't even my fave)

You sound like your grief is healthy ❤️ It hurts like hell , for sure.

@ItsCrap thanks weirdly I’ve been eating a lot of ice cream since it happened and that’s something I don’t eat biscuits also sound good . It’s so strange it’s not the things people expect you to cry at that upset you today our favourite football team were playing and that set me off as usually we would text at each goal . Sitting in bath or shower is also one of my constant cry places at the moment it’s so strange all of it

How've you been today Owls?

I picked up some lemon muffins and raspberries in Aldi today (30% off the fruit so must use today!).
Here's a plate for you. Would you like a cuppa with it or something stronger?

these sound lovely I can share a brownie with you !
not doing very good the funeral was Monday and I held it together I think we’ll on the day and a lot of people remarked it was a very loving service but now it’s what I expected to happen and reality is hitting and it’s awful had my first dream about him last night . How are you doing ?
a well meaning friend keeps wanting to meet up when she popped by last week though all she spoke was about things she had been doing with her own dad and I can’t nicely cope with her at moment .

I'm ok thanks. I'm ouchy at the moment where we have finally sold their house (took far too long to do it but it's done). I'm on maternity leave so I have far too much time to think and miss 'what could've been' and having some help with baby [selfish, but true]. This is a normal fluctuation for me and heightened by poor sleep.
As long as grief is healthy (s mix of sad and functional) I ride with it.
I am much further down the line don't forget!

You speak with such clarity. Funerals are a focal point. The day after is the start of forever.

Avoid your friend if that's what you need, or be blunt that you can't talk family and want to stick to mindless rambling. Be upfront that it won't be forever but you need longer for it to feel less intense. Are there any activities you could do to reduce the chance for chat while being social? Maybe along the lines of an escape room?

You hit the nail on the head already - people don't get it! I've seen people say on the boards that older friends and colleagues have been better shooting, if there's anyone in your network you could use. I did visit dad's friends and found an older neighbour (80s, but I'd not quite call him elderly!) gave good advice and a calming presence.

@ItsCrap luckily my dad has a good amount of siblings all of who have some of his characteristics and also some of his friends are good at advice or just checking in with me in a non cliched way . We had our last night at his house tonight and as it’s 3 weeks tonight since he passed it was so sad we went by where he had been laid to rest and I couldn’t stop wondering how one Thursday you can be sitting watching tv and 3 weeks later you are gone . I guess that’s life though .
it must be tough coping with trying to do all the baby stuff and grieve at same time .We have some fairly young babies in our family who my dad got to meet and having them around is such a nice mood lifter .