Dealing with loss of "just" a friend

[agncndmkd128494]

Looking for others who have been or going through a similar situation.
I lost my best friend recently, I had known her over 20 years, literally half my life and we had been through so much together- uni/career changes/marriage/kids etc we FaceTimed regularly and messaged most days, didn't see each other in person as much due to not living super close but did manage to meet every couple of months.
So really to me it was more like a sister relationship, we were closer than I am with my actual siblings.

But still it feels like when I have told people while of course they have been sympathetic but it's still just a friend whereas if I had lost my sister I think people would get it more.

The death was unexpected so the shock was terrible, I don't think I even quite processed it properly at the time. We were messaging eachother about random stuff the day before it happened.

I still see things I know she would find funny or places she'd have liked to go and for a split second I think I'll message her but then I remember...

I feel like I'm past the time stage that people seem to find acceptable for grieving a friend now and people just think I'm ok again and back to normal, even my own family. But to me I feel like I've lost a close family member and still feel quite tearful about it often.
I don't think I will ever be "back to normal" because my life has changed so much.

I have other friends but nobody as close, how could I ever replace someone I've built a friendship with over so many years. She also was the person who "got" me most and we liked loads of the same stuff and had a really similar sense of humour.

I see my parents quite often and they were of course shocked and sad about the news and sympathetic but since the funeral they haven't mentioned it or asked how I am, the only person who has is one colleague at work.

Hi OP, I am so sorry for the love of your wonderful friend.

I totally get it. My very closest and oldest friend died suddenly almost 3 years ago (hard to believe it has been that long). My friend was male (he was gay - I always feel the need to say that as otherwise people wonder at such a close friendship with a man), we had been friends for almost 30 years. We were supposed to meet a few days before he died but he cancelled as he wasn't feeling very well and a few days later I got a call from his brother to say he had died during the night. I will never forget the shock of that phone call or the sadness I felt, and still feel to this day.

My DH (thankfully) totally understood how much my friend meant to me, he had stayed with us many times and the 3 of us had often gone to dinner together. Even now DH will say "oh, X would have loved this" or "the 2 of you would have enjoyed that". My friend and I had such a similar sense of humour and I feel the loss of that so much. He was truly a lovely person and he loved me as much as I loved him. We had been on holiday together and weekends away and I honestly thought we would be doing that together into our old age.

Even now, almost 3 years later, I am tearing up writing about him. I think about him every day, I talk to him often and I believe he is somewhere out there and that someday we will chat and laugh and hug again as we used to.

Please allow yourself to grieve as much as you need to. Someone doesn't have to be blood related to be a part of your heart.

Take care xx

I'm so sorry for your loss. I truly believe that the friends we choose for ourselves and that support us through life can be much closer, more loving and loved and better for us than the family we happen to be born into.

I would be bereft if my best friend died, much more so than for many of my relatives! She knows me more than many of them.

I would see if you can find some sympathetic grief counselling with someone who understands this depth of friendship.

I lost my wife in January. I also appreciated that she had a lot of friends who cared deeply about her.

I knew they, like me, were in pain. Maybe in a slightly different way but still hurt.

Whenever we talk, as they keep in touch, I do ask them how they are coping as I know a lot of people just wouldn't understand how painful losing their friend was/is. Some have said how talking to me help them as well as much as they help me.

@agncndmkd128494 your hurt shows how much you cared for your friend.

Sorry for the loss of your friend.

Edited to add that my wife's friends were closer to her than her sisters. She knew who to trust.

Thank you all for your replies and I'm so sorry for your losses.

I hope in time I will be able to look back at our friendship fondly and remember all the happy times we had. It's just very hard at the moment

Anyone who can't understand you've suffered a big loss should be vanished from your life. Plenty of people don't have any family so their friends become just as important as what is perceived to be okay for blood relatives.

I went to ring my Nana yesterday. She died in 2005 but there are times when I forget and want to talk to her and other times when I wish she was here for advice. It's a big deal when you lose someone no matter the relationship.

I am sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry. Losing a close friend is like losing one of the strongest pillars which hold up your life. Anyone who doesn't understand that hasn't been lucky enough to know real friendship maybe.

Hi OP,
I was perusing the bereavement boards for the first time ever looking for some words of comfort as I'm literally going through this at the moment.
Albeit my best friend has a terminal brain tumour, and has been for a good while, only 5 weeks ago we were told its terminal and they stopped chemo. They gave her 6-8 weeks and the decline has been huge. She's 35.

I agree that for some a friend isn't seen in the same realm. I've been through other bereavements but this one is another level.

I just wanted to reach out and say I get it, we see you and your grief is totally valid. 💐

I have a best friend like yours OP. She’s like a sister. Only better than my actual sister. We talk every day, see each other several times a week, she is my person and I hers.
Your grief is valid. She loved you and you her. Friends are the family we choose and we are often closer to our friends than our family.

2 years ago my best friend was diagnosed with a brain tumour, cancer, incurable, that diagnosis absolutely broke me and still does to this day even though she’s still here.

Your grief is real and understandable. She was much more than ‘just’ a friend

I feel your pain, OP. I am going through the same thing right now and feel like I am being crushed by sadness.

My oldest and dearest friend of 35+ years died two weeks ago. She was one of a kind, with an irreverent sense of humor and a big heart. We had so many good times together over the years and I don't think a day has gone by in 35 years that I haven't thought of her. We saw each other through some dark times as well and I'm not sure I would have made it through a particularly dark period many years ago without her support.

It is only just barely sinking in that she is gone. I have a lovely husband, and he does try, but I don't think he understands what she meant to me and just how painful a loss this is. I know I will never have a friend like that again.

Anyway OP, I'm afraid I don't have much to offer except to say you are not alone in this grief. "Just a friend" ? - no way; she was family that I chose and I miss her desperately.

My BF from young adulthood and I lost touch for a long time. Some things happened and we fell out - having been really really close friends. We rekindled the friendship in our mid thirties. During the time we weren't in touch she had a heart transplant and went on to make a full recovery. She went in for some routine maintenance as she called it and we were joking / chatting online when she was having her pre operative medication administered for what was to be a simple procedure.

She didn't wake up. It was crushing but I felt like I couldn't / didn't deserve to grieve as much as I did. So I kept it to myself. I wish I could offer advice but I can only empathize.

I am so sorry for your loss.

In the same situation. My closest friend of 25 plus years committed suicide last January. We chatted every day by Whatsapp and was part of the family.
The grief changes and does get easier. But it upsets me every day still.

Completely understand. The word friend can mean different things to different people. Sister/mum/dad etc are more specific and even when people have not got along very well there is that saying 'he was still their dad' or 'they didn't get on but it was still his mum'.
Not to overshadow your loss, but in the spirit of sharing - my friend died very, very recently and I am devastated. It was a friend who saw past my job, role as mother etc to me as a person and we had so many jokes that were private to us.
Having lost him is so hard because even dealing with the grief, he is one of the few people who would understand. I started writing down in a diary what I might say to him about it all. It's helped a lot even though it may sound a bit strange.
Take as long as you need to be sad/angry/accepting. There is no right or wrong or timescale to follow.
But as a pp suggested maybe do reach out to someone professional to talk to as I understand how lonely this must feel for you x

Sorry for you loss OP 💐

I totally understand what you are going though. I did lose my little sister quickly a couple of years ago she was only early 30s

i am very aware that some her friends even 2.5 years down the line are still just as shock and tearfuls as I be it was a huge loss for all of us

if anyone of them post on her Facebook page I always send them a hug. And I sometimes tag my sister in things on Facebook especially when a remembering pops

i no sure about you family or friends would it be possible to tell them how you feels about the loss and it is like losing a sister? I would hate a friend to be suffering like this and me have no idea and if you was my friend I would meet you for a coffee or something just so you can talk

please be kind to youself xxx

i am sorry for your loss...

i experienced similar. my ex-husband whom had become a very good friend, we had children together and known each other over 30 years and were still part of each others lives... passed away and i was devastated!

but no one could understant and would look at me odd and question why i was showing such grief for and i quote 'well he was only your ex husband, you shouldn't be upset at all?'

its been a year.. i still miss his friendship

This made me tear up op. I lost my friend in October 23. When I had my children she was my best friend we saw each other all the time. She and her dh moved 3 hours away and over the years our friendship became less constant. One of those rare beautiful things where we picked up where we left when we did see each other.

My last interaction with her was sending her the video of my dd1 getting engaged she replied with a thumbs up. Usually this meant she would respond more later. She died 2 days later very unexpected.

I keep seeing things that remind me of her. I keep wanting to message her, in reality we didn't message that much anymore but the thing is "I knew I could" and now I can't..

Noone you can really talk about this with as people don't really see you as close. In truth I lost the person I knew I could turn to with anything and she would be there for me. That's irreplaceable.. sounds like that's what you miss too. That person you know is always there..

I'm sorry for your loss I do so understand that feeling of "you should be past the grief now" in truth grief takes the time it takes..

Do you want to tell us about your friend?