Beginning to date a widower- advice if you have any

[Houseinawood]

I’ve met a nice man. He was widowed nearly four years ago and has a grown up son. We have mutual interests and we have started to slowly get to know each other.

He is and has been having therapy for his grief and has been for some time. They were married young and for nearly 30 years.

He has been very open and honest and said he looking for a long term relationship but understands that we are totally different and this isn’t a new chapter but a new book.

I also come from not bereavement but a horrific and traumatic divorce and have myself been having therapy for a few years but it happened 10 years so lots of working through and I’ve had a relationship since although he was a twat and I binned him off after a few months.

We had a good conversation as he wanted me to know he still sees a therapist - so do I from time to time. We like each other and instead of calling it baggage we have decided on that we both have history that we need to be open about and tread slowly and carefully and enjoy getting to know each other but be mindful of triggers and respect each other.

I have never dated a widower - so if anyone has any advice or tips. We are both mutually very respectful so space is a given and even though his son is adult, no children will be coming into the mix for a good long time.

I don’t want to discourage talking about his wife and I haven’t asked questions as he needs to take it at his base and likewise I don’t want to off load my horrific divorce at him. He hasn’t mentioned it except in general terms and we agreed no questions per se that each person is in control of their story and when they want to share and that the other person is not a therapist but we both have a great deal of kindness and empathy for each other. But we also want boundaries.

We both have a lovely sense of humour and a lot of mutual interests and respect so at the moment it is a friendship with a good spark, lots of laughing and shared academic interest which is lovely. There is a good connection.

Having not been here with this type of situation - I would welcome any experience or tips or green or red flags to look out for. Thanks in advance for a difficult topic.

I was widowed and now in a new relationship. I would say - in a good partnership nothing is off limits to discuss as you get closer and you can’t cause him more pain by talking about it. Also, we don’t grow 2 heads when we lose someone, we are still just people who are sometimes lovely, sometimes unreasonable. Don’t tiptoe around stuff, ask him what he needs and when you need to don’t be frightened to talk about your past too- bereavement doesn’t trump divorce, it’s very different but painful too. Good luck

I don’t have any advice but just wanted to say that this sounds like it has the makings for the most beautiful and enriching partnership for you both. Best of luck with it.

This sounds like a lovely, respectful friendship that may develop into something more.

Good Luck and enjoy. 🙂

I've been with a widower over 5 years now. To be honest, if we split up I'd probably choose not to date one again!

We have pretty much decided that we don't talk about the past (my abusive alcoholic ex-husband or his late wife) and look to the future. That's our way, you may want to talk more about his marriage. Personally I wouldn't like that.

I don't have 'advice' because in my opinion he chose to have a relationship with me, and implicit in that choice is the fact that he was ready to date and make a life with someone else.

I would follow his lead, he seems emotionally literate and knows what he needs, you can then go with what you need, and you meet somewhere new together!

By our age, as you say we all have histories, and are likely to have had death, divorce, illness, difficult kids, all kinds of stuff going on and this is not unique to widows or widowers.

I'm one myself and for me, I would not look for the person to listen while I bang on about my dead husband, but I absolutely would need it to be ok to mention him, just as it would be fine to mention an ex wife or ex husband. He's my children's dad, and was my life-partner, and that just is something I'd want to be able to mention, hopefully tactfully and hopefully not too much. It's great he's having or had therapy as he has somewhere to put all those difficult emotions, and isn't looking for a partner for that role which many men in particular do I think.