My darling husband passed away

[Suddenlyallisdifferent]

Still in shock, my wonderful husband of 12 years passed away 4 weeks ago.
He was only very early 40s we have three beautiful young children DD 15 , DS 13 and DS2 9.

My life has just been changed forever and although I'm going through the motions right now I'm not sure I even know how to grieve and deal with this.

Never for a second did I ever think about my life without him and now that's all see , a shit lonely life where everything we had planned for our later years has been set on fire.

I'm hoping to find some guidance or just chat to anyone that has been cursed this horrible fate.

Thanks for reading.

I’m so sorry to hear this, how tragic for you all. My brother was killed in a road accident when he was 37, leaving behind his family, and it was a traumatic and impossible time for us all. I hope you’ll have some replies here to offer support, I’m sending love and empathy and hope you can find a way to navigate the coming year, because it really is a case of one step at a time.

I am so sorry for your loss. Do you have family or friends around you? I found this section of MN a really good place to post. There are many of us here to listen and offer whatever support we can.

Thank you.
Yes I have family however I am finding it hard to talk to them because I am trying so hard to keep in together for our children. If that even makes sense.

Everyone keeps saying take everyday a day at a time , try and get back to some normality.

But none of this is normality and I will never have normality again, such a horrible world we have and right now I hate everything about it.

I'm so sorry, that's horrific. Thinking of you and your kids. I have heard people recommend WAY (Widowed And Young) for your support, and I know Winston's Wish will be able to help you support your kids. Big virtual hugs xx

I am so sorry. I wish I had some wise words or advice, but I have nothing. I just posted to let you know some random internet person cares and really wishes this hadn't happened to your lovely husband xx

I’m so sorry for your loss. I don’t know what you are going through as I haven’t lost a partner but my dad passed away when he was in his early forties and I was 14 so a similar age to your children. I just wanted to say that it’s absolutely right and normal to take the time to grieve, don’t feel guilty in also still finding joy in your children. Also don’t feel that you have to put on too much of front for them, between you all you have the nicest memories of him. When you are ready share them with each other.

I am so sorry OP. I don’t think anything can help make sense of these first few months but are you getting support from somewhere like Cruise? I think it’s really important you have someone safe to talk too, especially as you do have to hold it so much together for the kids.

@Suddenlyallisdifferent I am so sorry this has happened to you. My DH suddenly died 6 weeks ago from a heart attack so I can completely understand the pain, shock and numbness you are feeling. I am slightly older - 50’s with grown up children - but I didn’t expect this at this stage in my life and feel my life, as I saw it, has been upended. I don’t really know how to grieve and have been following advice not to look too far ahead and to just let emotions come and go as they will. It is a truly awful journey we are both on but if you ever want to talk/vent I am here with you on it xx

I am sending you my warmest wishes OP. I think this is doubly hard because u cannot listen to ur grief or just 'be' as you have children to consider. Perhaps you could consider counselling. This would be a safe space and time just for u. How to grieve? There is no particular way we should grieve. I am nearli 2 and a half years down the line from.my boyfriend taking his own life. There are pocket of normality in my day but the sadness is still there. Sometimes it lurks in the background and other times it's at the forefront. Grief I have read is like a wave;sometimes you are dipping your you in it and other times it comes crashing into.u when u.least expect it. Some people may avoid talking about what has happened. We don't tend to know wat.to say about grief. Look after yourself OP

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I also lost my husband, 2 years ago. It's horrible but life will become more bearable eventually. For now however...it's okay to fall apart in front of your children. They want permission to fall apart too.

I’m so sorry 💐I lost my husband when we were both 37 and DC were 7 and 5. It shouldn’t happen. Sending you so much love.

I am so sorry OP and to anyone else on here who has lost someone. It’s heartbreaking losing someone suddenly. It is so terribly sad that you have lost your partner and your children have lost their father. We have lost several family members in my family sadly, including two who were parents in their forties, and I just wanted to say that while you are currently in shock and grieving, in time you and your children will find enjoyment in life and plan things to look forward to, new memories - life will never be the same but don’t lose hope.

I lost my adored Husband 6 months ago, completely unexpectedly, we have a DS (14). The first days were horrific I was in utter shock and then numb.

DSs school have been amazing and have really supported him and provided counselling during school - perhaps this is something you could ask school for your DC. I had private grief counselling which I started about 2 months later which helped - my counsellor reminded me that I was important in this as well as my child.

I have only just gone back to work full time which has helped slightly in being a distraction.

what I am finding hardest is, as you say is that the future looks so bleak - I cannot think about more than a couple of days ahead and the smallest life admin tasks feel overwhelming. I don’t look forward to anything and I’m cross with friends whose life is continuing to change and alter - basically who are going on as normal. I know this is my grief and is unreasonable so I’m not saying this to them as they are lovely and well meaning.

I also hate people who empathise that they understand as they’ve been through a bad break up or lost a parent - I want to scream it’s not the same - but again I don’t as they mean well and luckily for them they don’t understand. If I could wish anything for my friends it would be that they die before their significant other so they never have to experience this horrific pain.

Reading that back it sounds awful, what I would say 6 months on is that I am calmer. A good day is one where I just feel numb with the odd small cry after which I can then move back to what I was doing. A bad day is constant thoughts of him and unable to focus on anything else with unbearable pain - often physical pain in my chest or feeling sick. But these days are becoming fewer. I try to sit with the pain / sadness when it hits and go through it rather than avoiding it or bottling it up.

People have recommended WAY but I have not contacted them yet, others have said it really helped them.

Love to you and your DCs

Hi lovely,

I found your post and it resonated with me. I lost my dad around the same age as your daughters. In fact your situation is pretty uncanny to what my mother herself went through many years ago now. Youre welcome to reach out to me any time but I want to say: everything you're feeling now is okay, there is no 'right way' to grieve contrary to what you may have heard. Read 'youre not alone' its an excellent book about grieving and how the 5 stages of grief are actually about accepting ones own death not anothers (hence why it has an ending but for us it does not). If I could go back I would tell my mum not be to be so hard on herself. Youre going through it too, you don't always need to put on a brave face, you can cry with your children, he meant a lot to each of you. I found it really helpful to know my mum felt it too, you don't need to be a robot for them. I hope you have some help available, friends, family and coworkers. Theres so much I want to say to you and so little words able to adequately express it.

I am so sorry to hear what you have been through and continue to go through.

I lost my wife nearly 18 months ago after a very brief and unexpected illness, so can relate.

You are in shock, this will lessen over time but the first six months are brutal.

Cry when you need to, for me I felt like there was an internal pot of sadness and anger that had to come out and I spent months crying. However my darling father said kindly, that I had to allow myself a period of time to deeply grieve then gather myself and regroup as I have children to raise. For me personally he was correct and I allowed myself 6 months. This will continue forever but it is less angry and raw than it was.

The most important thing I would say is in relation to the children, parent as you did previously, just because they have lost a much loved parent does not mean the rule book is thrown out. At a time when things are so very different to how they were before children need to feel secure and the familiar is reassuring.

Breathe and be gentle on yourself, you are experiencing trauma but can and will get through it, I know that seems impossible currently.

I'm so sorry this has happened, I was suddenly widowed at 38 with young children. It's a loss that's changed our lives forever. I'm not the same person I was and it's a loss we are still heartbroken over six years on.
I know it doesn't feel like it now but you will smile again, you and your children will find a way to be a happy family again and enjoy life. It will take time but you will get there. Please look at widowd and young.