Has anyone experience cruel behaviour?

[oberst]

I am wondering if this is normal grieving behaviour.

My partners brother died a few weeks ago, very suddenly and unexpectedly. (other posts on this).

Their mum is being so cruel to my partner (her remaining child). Some really shocking things have been said and done.

As a parent myself, I cannot understand this and I am wondering if someone could please help me understand why this might be happening?

Only two years apart they were very close. Their mum always made it obvious that the other brother was her favourite. My partner has said he is just waiting for her to tell him it should have been him who died. This to me is just awful. But maybe someone can explain the reasoning behind this? Thank you.

presumably this behaviour has been o going for many many years?

Not like this, no.

Partners mum is a very odd character and we have always questioned her mental health.

Partner thinks she has narcissistic traits and is very controlling.

Since we've been together, his mum hasn't bothered too much with our children and it's been very odd but will tell the world she's the best nan etc etc

But he always makes an effort and sees her. He's close to his dad but his dad just doesn't stick up for himself either unfortunately. He's the most patient man I have ever met.

I do understand she has just experienced the worst thing a parent can ever experience. But she's been so cruel to my partner it's unbelievable.

My son’s wife who I always seemed to get on with, just before he died in September she rang me screaming down the phone I asked her to calm down nicely and she slammed the phone down. My lovely son died a few days later and I found out via my daughter.
I wasn’t invited to the funeral despite me saying I was sorry . Grief does strange things. Hope you managed to sort things out.

She is emotionally undeveloped and is now acting like a toddler having a tantrum and breaking some toys. With narcissists it’s always helpful to work out their behavior by viewing them as children who can’t self regulate and lash out instead

Death can cause all sorts of unresolved issues to surface and people grieve differently.

Anger at the world, at everyone, even at the deceased for leaving is a known part of grief and can cause some people to lash out.

Loss of a child is very much against the natural order so their mother will be in a dark lonely place right now.

I'm not sure any of this is much help other than to say it will pass in time. Who knows what is going on in their mother's head it could be anything from just pure anger at the unfairness of life and her loss that is lashing out at everyone and her other son is just caught in the firing line because she knows she can be vile but he will always still be her son (and that it could be anyone - her husband, sister etc) OR it could be guilt at favoring one rather than the other OR it could just be pain causing her to act cruelly to others to take the pain away (like self harming?

Grief is a bad lonely place. It's hard but I'd try not to take it too personally and write off anything she says for about 6 months as not being in her right mind. It genuinely is a form of insanity deep grief.

Really both of you know that he should stay away from his mother but as is often the case in twisted relationships like this he can't, so all you can do is be there for support when the inevitable happens.
It's not grief. She's just a nasty piece of work.