Moving on after partners death

[ChorizoDog]

Hello,

My partner died 9 months ago. I don't understand how people meet someone new (not criticising, genuinely want help with this), without feeling disloyal or like your relationship meant nothing.

I know it's still early days for me, I’m just trying to figure out what my future looks like, and as much as I can picture myself wanting to be with someone else (it's a lonely road this one), the idea makes me feel like I'd be letting him down or tainting his memory. I can't imaging telling his family, etc.

I would like to hear other people's experiences of love (or no love) after death.

Thank you

I'm 2 years in, not met anyone but feel ready to and have for a while (it's more that I can't face the Internet dating cesspool and I have a young child in the mix).

The feelings of guilt have faded over time. Something that helped was someone telling me you can love your dead partner, but you can't be in love with them, because being in love is an active process - it's in the day-to-day intimacy, support and building a life together. It's brutal, but that's gone my, you're not in love any more and neither are they, sad though it is.

My partner and I were happy together. We were together a long time and the relationship brought me such joy. To me it's a testament to our relationship that I'd like that again.

What doesn't help me but people say a lot is "he'd want you to be happy" - no he wouldn't, he'd want to bloody be here! But anyway he isn't so that's that.

I don't believe (and neither did he) in any sort of afterlife, I believe all we have is now, so I want to make the most of the life I have left.

But mostly it's time - give yourself time, grief is a long road.

@IlesFlottante

This is such a beautiful reply, thank you. Brought tears to my eyes.

I guess only time will make me feel more pragmatic about him.

His Mum is a huge believer in the afterlife, spirits, etc. I've never been too sure what I believed and it is difficult as she tells me about signs he is around her, etc and it plays with my mind. I think this is where the feeling of disloyalty comes from. We message every day and speak regularly, it's hard.

Like I said, I’m not looking to move on now. I was speaking to someone the other day and he was really nice looking and it brought these guilty feelings. I’m not at all ready to move on, but the fact I felt attraction surprised me and made me feel ashamed almost.

I don't want to discuss this with people on real life as again, I feel like I'm dishonouring him. I guess I am just still very attached to a person that is no longer here.

Hello - I am truly sorry for your loss.

I don't understand feelings of guilt or disloyalty. Your beloved OP is not here. Everything about your life has changed, forever. You have to find a way forward, and it's a testament to your previous loving bond that you are looking ahead with hope.

What I am struggling with is other people's judgement. Not about me (bereaved just over a year ago) but when I hear talk about other bereaved people, and maybe them dipping into online dating, or finding a new partner, for example very recently I heard, 'it's too soon, it's only been 3 years... THREE flipping YEARS!!!

It seems to me people want and expect you to somehow pay a public penance for the many years of happy marriage / partnership that went before you were bereaved. As if the loss were not enough to send you mad, I feel I am, through subtle social cues, being steered into a direction that is comfortable for them - knitting, grandma, maiden aunt figure.

It scares the hell out of me. I still think of myself as young (though I am not). It's clear they see me very differently to how they saw me when my DH was still here. TBH I feel really stuck, and scared, as I can't see how on earth to move on without everyone becoming really angry with me.

I have not a shred of guilt or disloyalty about any thoughts of moving on, I adored my DH for decades, he was the love of my life but he is not here. My vows were till death parted us. Death has parted us, which is truly awful and I miss him terribly and will miss him forever, but it's other people's judgement that is one of the most troubling factors now.

Nearly 6 years. I’m scared too I won’t find anyone else. I just don’t fancy anyone I meet - at all. And even if I did, the thought of starting a relationship, living together, compromising, what the kids would think... I just can’t see anything other than being on my own for the rest of my life. Which makes me sad in many ways, but I also can’t imagine the alternative.

Yes, 'what the kids would think'.

It wouldn't matter who it was, I fear that whoever I might one day invite for Sunday lunch would never be accepted by my adult DC simply because they would not be their adored dad.

I hope I'm wrong, but I'm too scared of their anger and possible rejection to test it out.

I don't know how to regain my power - it seems to have been dissolved by my loss. But I need to find a way forward that isn't just acceptance and a steady decline into old age.

I recently lost my DH suddenly and with no warning (fatal cardiac arrest). I can’t imagine being comfortable with anyone else right now and don’t think I’ll ever actively look. What fate throws my way though is another matter. Given that I lost him relatively young, and potentially have many years alone, I can’t rule it out.

My future seems very bleak at the moment but I know eventually I have to find something to live for again. If I can enjoy life by myself that will be what’s best for me as it is the most hassle free option. Given the trauma of losing my seemingly healthy DH so unexpectedly, part of me is also very wary of ever loving, and potentially experiencing that pain again.

It’s early days for me but I think it’s an individual thing and would never judge anyone for taking either path.

I knew, even before late-DH died (cancer, he died just under a year after diagnosis) that I'd want to find someone else to spend my life with.

For me, this doesn't take anything away from the love I had for DH.

I starting online dating about a year after he died, met someone reasonably quickly and we've been seeing each other nearly 6 years.

Telling DHs sister was one of the things I found hardest, she is a lovely person and was pleased for me.

My children weren't an issue as DH wasnt their dad, although he was a much loved step-dad.

I still miss DH.

I give no thought to what external others (unrelated, I cared about SIL because I didn't want to hurt her) might think, judge etc.
It isn't their life to live and they hadn't walked in my shoes.