Friend's funeral - how to support her family during funeral and after that

[Maternityleavelady]

Good friend of 20 years, in her 40s, died recently 2 months after being diagnosed with cancer, leaving husband and two DC aged 6 and 9. We used to meet just the two of us most of the time, so I barely know her kids - the last time I saw them was 2 years ago, and they are so little. I spent more time with her husband over the years, but again not very recently. I've obviously sent a card to the family, and plan to attend the funeral, have contributed photos of my friend as requested, made a donation to Macmillan etc.

I haven't been to many funerals so I'm not quite sure how to offer my support to the family at the funeral - there are no words that can make them feel better and I would especially have no idea how to speak to children who have just lost their mum - it's all still so unreal to me. Presumably the extended family will all stick pretty closely together, and my friend's husband will feel the need to be polite and greet people but is probably just going to be trying to hold it all together but not want to make small talk. Any tips on how to be supportive at this very difficult funeral?

And then going forward, I have no idea whether my friend's husband would want to keep in touch with his late wife's friends, as a way of sharing memories about her, or whether he'd just want to move on with his new life once the initial period of grief and funeral is over. I have 2 toddlers, work full time, and live 2 hours drive away so could visit occasionally but it wouldn't be regular or particularly useful like helping with childcare etc (which would be weird anyway since they really don't know me at all - and both sets of grandparents are fairly near so I am sure will offer that practical help!). My friend had a couple of local friends near to where the family lived, but as she had moved around for work etc, the majority of her friends, like me, are dispersed around the country. Does anyone have any experience of the extent to which widowers might want to stay in touch with their late wife's friends?

Not sure I've expressed any of that very well but basically I'm at a loss on how I can try to make things better for my friend's family as a way of honouring her. Any tips from your experiences would be very welcome. Thanks

It's the time after the funeral when many people need support.

I obviously can't speak for everyone but when my wife passed away in January her friends helped me get through just by being there. They don't over-impose but text regularly to ask how I am. A couple will pop in for a cup of tea and a chat now and again.
I find it helps a lot to talk to them about my wife, as most of them had known her for a long time. Two from before we were married and we were married for over 45 years.
@Maternityleavelady Just be there.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience and advice @billyt - and really sorry to hear about your wife. I will stay in touch with her husband and hopefully I can help that way

I would suggest that you keep it pared back at the funeral itself and then step up in the weeks after the service when things have settled down. That's when it feels loneliest after a bereavement and when people tend to drop off the radar.

Offer to meet for a coffee/ pop round/ send thinking of you , is there anything I can do ? type texts.

Thanks @Alchemistress that’s very helpful. Will reach out in a couple of weeks

Honestly, play it by ear. One of my closest friends lost a longtime friend a couple of years ago very suddenly, leaving a husband and a young child overseas, and she’s tried to strike a balance between letting him know she’s there and not having ‘must keep in touch with dead wife’s grieving friends’ as an extra chore when he’s reeling.

@Seedpods yes it’s so hard to know what he would want so I will have to make it easy for him to decline