Conflict after a bereavement and around the funeral

[Stressedashell]

Has anyone had major conflict within their family following a bereavement that affected the funeral/service? Did it work out ok in the end?

Such highly charged events and I’m absolutely dreading it due to the conflict within family leading up to it.

Yes! I fell out with my Dad and sister immediately we started planning the funeral as we had such differing views. I very quickly backed down and let Dad have it his own way. But this meant I couldn't/ wouldn't help with the practical stuff which he probably resented. On the day itself, I maintained a dignified silence and went through the motions. I had low expectations of the funeral so couldn't be disappointed. My DH was there to hold my hand. My nephew and partner were brilliant as they were probably aware of the arguments but were neutral and held the whole thing together. I got through it but it wasn't a satisfactory 'laying to rest' at all and I'm still working through my feelings 8 months on.

My mother sent me a text to let me know my father had died
And .. I wasn't welcome at the funeral
My crime was to report SA ( not my mum or dad ) which was proven to be true and had consequences for the perpetrator
My family said I'd brought shame on the family , gave everyone something to gossip about and could have just said no

I won't be going to her funeral either when the time comes and if my sister has anything to say , she can rot in hell with them both

My brother is an absolute dick, had stopped speaking to 3 of his sister's a while ago, and was particularly vile about a neice and her partner.
The funeral director who organised our Mums funeral was made aware of the situation, so he seated one group on one side of the church, and the second group was seated on the other side.
When everyone started to leave the church, our fabulous funeral director blocked the pews with the first group, so the second group could leave without any trouble.

It was a nightmare to be sure, thankfully there wasn't the trouble we we were dreading.

Sister was very difficult on the day and leading up to it.

My dad had planned the day. And it was beautiful.

Still dealing with sister stress.

When DM died recently, the carer sibling didn't want to inform anyone (including uncles and aunts) or have a death notice in the newspapers. We ignored her, she refused to attend the funeral but we explained her absence by saying that she was too upset to attend. Funeral service passed without incident.

I've now gone LC with two of my siblings who don't live in the same country as me, as they were such dicks at the time and still are. Still in touch with carer sibling though as I'm grateful that she looked after my mum to the end.

Life is short and I've decided to only have people in my life who don't bring stress.

Yes.

we looked at several options.

direct cremation, sending the ashes to the other party, and arranging our own celebration.

or sending the coffin down for them to arrange what they wanted, and arranging our own celebration.

we thought the deceased would want to be returned to the town he grew up in, so we went for option 2. I arranged the funeral director and cremation, and left the details to them.

We thought it would be more respectful to stay away so no bad feelings or rows. In the end we were glad we didn’t go because the person they described in the eulogies was not recognisable as the person we knew.

they sent me the bar tab for £700 of food and alcohol in the local pub as well 😂

Yes, my now-ex-SIL created a massive argument at my DF's funeral (because it always had to be about her) but the ramifications of this went on for years with my brother, and even though she is no longer around, it has taken everyone a long time to recover.

I wasn't prepared for my raw emotions in the form of anger I experienced after my DM died. A lot of biting my tongue was needed to get through other people's behaviour. It was a strange time

My ex partner's grandmother died and her 4 children behaved appalling. They argued about everything from who was doing the readings to who carried the coffin and held the cords. It carried on in to the wake. The split continues to this day and they all 100 per cent believe they're in the right.

I didn't go as I went to my uncles funeral and I will be eternally grateful to be born into my family and not his.

This is an old post but I wanted to come back to it update in case anyone else finds it and is in a similar situation. The funeral was fine in the end despite the immense stress before it. A lovely send off. And whilst the difficulties didn’t go away as such, it was like a weight was lifted and we didn’t have the fear of the funeral being “ruined” hanging over anymore.

It has made me reflect on bereavements and how different it must be to grief someone without the added conflict, or where everyone supports each other. I feel sad this hasn’t been my experience but sounds like it’s very common!

Glad the funeral went well. I'm still working through my feelings. I avoid talking to my Dad about the funeral. The rift between me and my sister is healing. We've never been close but we actually didn't speak or even look at each other on the funeral day. She's having counselling apparently so I'm glad it seems to be getting her to a happier place. Dignified silence from us both was definitely better than a blazing row although it was tough.

Yes. Lots of arguments either sister. It's been horrific.

Glad things are healing with your sister. I’m having counselling myself and it’s really helped.

i am dreading Xmas but feel like things will be a bit lighter once it’s passed

Where did you get counseling from? Was it provided on the NHS?