How do you know if you have PTSD or "just" grief?

[catkinsnooze]

I know that every bereavement is traumatic - even if the inevitable was known months/weeks/years in advance.

I have experienced loss as my DF died as a result of recurrent cancer (blood) just over 12 years ago.

That grief was real but I expected it (if you know what I mean) and I was prepared as he slowly declined and there was no available treatment left for him.

As a family this was obviously tough but as we "knew" what was happening or about to happen then we adapted - in the end he had a "good" death and a fitting funeral service. This allowed us to grieve and ultimately "move on".

Since then I have experienced a loss that I cannot get my head around at all - I can't grieve, I can't move on or have a "healthy acceptance" of what has happened.

I thought I knew grief but this loss consumes me and I have no respite from thoughts that someone should have done something differently and I wonder if I have PTSD so I can't therefore experience grief.

For info this was not a sudden loss in the sense of car accident or the like but it feels as sudden.

My departed loved one was fine in November and dead by Christmas - they had a metabolising cancer that they told no one about.

They sought no help or treatment and died 24 hours after being admitted to A&E.

They were not afraid of the doctors or anti-treatment but it appears this just crept up on them and there was no way back and they were maybe accepting of their "fate".

They were 53 years old.

How do I "let go" and grieve without feeling angry, cross and shocked that this happened?

I’m so sorry that you are experiencing this awful situation … you know anger is a part of grief … there is absolutely no rule book when it comes to reacting to the death of some one you love. I have no sound advise here but please be gentle on yourself … seek all the help you can .. as the death was the result of a concealed illness it’s very very hard to get your head around the why didn’t I know .. and also having an opportunity to say goodbye which by the sounds of it didn’t happen . Sending you a virtual hug and hoping that you can come to terms with this lose …

I’m sorry. I don’t know the answer to your question but feel similar myself. My mum died 5 years ago having had cancer. I was devastated but it felt so different to my Dad’s death, he was a pedestrian in a RTA late last year. I think I was in shock most of last year. Now I am sad and frustrated. Like I want to scream. It is difficult to describe but so different to when Mum died.

Thank you both - it's very comforting to know I am not alone in these feelings.
@Mepop - so sorry for both your losses and thank you for sharing your feelings after death of your DF

It's still a recent loss, so the shock and disbelief will still be very real.

I have PTSD after a loss and you'd know. It's quite different from regular loss trauma and lasts years.

"How do I "let go" and grieve without feeling angry, cross and shocked that this happened?"

You don't. This is part of grief. Of course you will feel angry, cross and shocked in this situation. Everyone would. Grief isn't a separate feeling from these feelings, they are all part of it. It is important to let yourself feel these feelings. Trying to control them or let go of them will just mean that you hold onto them even more.

Sometimes you just need to give yourself space to feel the feelings, however uncomfortable they are, and know that you won't feel like this forever. Be kind to yourself.

PTSD is different to grief. There are specific criteria you need to meet including a level of "re-experiencing" and hypervigilance to threat. You can google the ICD 11 criteria. From what you've said, it doesn’t sound like you have it.

That is not to diminish your experience, which sounds very traumatic. Grief is incredibly difficult. Sudden loss is hard. Life is incredibly fragile. We prefer to forget this. As others have said, anger is a perfectly normal part of grief. Its ok to feel your feelings. Its ok to be angry about the seeming arbitrariness of when life is suddenly snatched away, at a relatively young age. Even if it wasn’t so sudden for them, It sounds like your experience of it was sudden. Your mind is trying to integrate it and make sense of it. It is hard. Be compassionate towards yourself as you move to acceptance slowly.

I don’t know.

it definitely effected my life massively, and I’ve very sure some of my “issues” are related, but who knows.

i’m 40 years on btw, and it’s still something I think about a lot.

try grief counselling? Might help you work it out.

Grief doesn't have a set timetable, but your loss is still very recent. Have you thought about contacting Cruse or a similar charity? You might benefit from some grief counselling - it could help you explore your anger (which is a completely normal part of grief). What you're describing sounds very distressing, but not like PTSD.

I have wondered this myself, OP.

It is still very early days for your, though, and you are processing shock and loss. Allow yourself time ❤️

I’m 2.5 years on from losing a dear friend to a very aggressive form of cancer at a young age. I think about her everyday and feel quite stuck in the grieving process. I was with her when she died and relive it constantly. I function, though, so I don’t know. Maybe this is just how it is?

I’m sorry for your awful loss.

You may find looking into the concept of “complicated grief” (also called “prolonged grief”) helpful.

https://www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/effects-of-grief/complicated-grief/

https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/prolonged-grief-disorder

Another link

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4530627/

Thank you all - I really appreciate you sharing experiences and advice