*trigger* what will my deceased family member look like when we go to see him?

[oberst]

I really want to ask this as sensitively as possible.

BIL died suddenly on the 16th/17th March.

Because of his young age and sudden death, the coroner needed to investigate. He was with someone when he died and he was taken straight to hospital morgue.

The PM was only done yesterday and I am guessing he would have been embalmed after. Further toxicology needs to be completed but they are releasing his body for his funeral (which can't be for another three weeks).

My partner (his brother) obviously wants to go and see him once his body has been released. I have told him that I would go with him for support.

Does anyone know what he will look like? I'm worried that it will be probably near on 2 weeks or longer by the time we get to see him as it's Easter weekend, I assume the funeral home will be closed. And they are still waiting for him to get there from the hospital.

I understand that the cold temperature slows down the process but doesn't stop it. I am worried that he might not look like him or could potentially cause some trauma? My partner is already struggling, they both have the same condition so along with grieving he is also having panic attacks about dying himself.

I have only seen my grandparents who died but it was the day of; so as much as they looked dead, they still looked like them if that makes sense.

Am I right in thinking that I could potentially call the home and ask these questions?

It's a really awful and sad time and we are all still in utter shock. I'm just hoping someone may be able to advise me on this without upsetting anyone. Thank you.

[ExcellentCat]

Yes you should be able to phone the funeral home & ask. They aren’t awful questions, they are normal as we generally don’t see dead people nowadays.

I believe the funeral homes try to make the deceased look as good as they can & are quite skilled at it.

there is an AMA on here I think from a funeral home technician which might help you, I’ll see if I can find it.

[Sophie3003]

I knew I had to go and see my nanny but I am glad it was only me that did. You do then have to live with what you see and I can only describe it as her soul/her had left her body. I do occasionally have dreams of it. It's a difficult one as I think if you need to see them then do it but as I say I am certainly glad no one else did.

[MsFaversham]

I’m sorry for your loss. Be prepared for him to look different to how he was in life. If he had life support his mouth shape will look different too because of ventilation. Make sure the funeral home knows you want to view and they will make him look as good as they can. I found it helped to see my relative.

[ExcellentCat]

I have looked but can’t find it.
im sorry for your loss & that will be complicated if your partner has the same condition. You might want to look a Cruze bereavement charity, also if there is a specialist organisation for people with their condition you may find help there.

obviously things are very raw just now, but may come better with time.

[Mybusyday]

I was traumatised after seeing my DM - have you ever seen someone in a funeral home before? It can be a bit of a shock. I'm sorry for your loss

[Hagbard]

Physically, he looked asleep but I could tell he wasn't. Very cold and hard to the touch, I'd asked for no makeup, so there were no touch-ups or anything. The injury was covered with his shirt collar. Sad rather than traumatic.

Good luck OP

[UncleHerbie]

@oberst

I really want to ask this as sensitively as possible.

BIL died suddenly on the 16th/17th March.

Because of his young age and sudden death, the coroner needed to investigate. He was with someone when he died and he was taken straight to hospital morgue.

The PM was only done yesterday and I am guessing he would have been embalmed after. Further toxicology needs to be completed but they are releasing his body for his funeral (which can't be for another three weeks).

My partner (his brother) obviously wants to go and see him once his body has been released. I have told him that I would go with him for support.

Does anyone know what he will look like? I'm worried that it will be probably near on 2 weeks or longer by the time we get to see him as it's Easter weekend, I assume the funeral home will be closed. And they are still waiting for him to get there from the hospital.

I understand that the cold temperature slows down the process but doesn't stop it. I am worried that he might not look like him or could potentially cause some trauma? My partner is already struggling, they both have the same condition so along with grieving he is also having panic attacks about dying himself.

I have only seen my grandparents who died but it was the day of; so as much as they looked dead, they still looked like them if that makes sense.

Am I right in thinking that I could potentially call the home and ask these questions?

It's a really awful and sad time and we are all still in utter shock. I'm just hoping someone may be able to advise me on this without upsetting anyone. Thank you.

Sorry for your loss 💐

I would advise not to. I saw my mum 30 mins post mortem and she looked at peace. Within two hours there were visible signs that she no longer had blood circulating. My sibs and I made the decision to leave her in the capable hands of the care home/funeral directors (she’d been there less than 10 hours). It was her time and I’m comforted by the fact that she decided palliative care was not for her

[Floralnomad]

I wouldn’t . I saw my dad in the funeral home after he had had a post mortem ( he was 51 sudden death ) and I’m still regretting the decision 30+ years later . I will also point out that I was a nurse for 30 yrs and have been present at numerous deaths and seen loads of bodies . A friend of ours also told us an absolute horror story about viewing a body that had died about 3 weeks prior . Sorry for your loss @oberst 💐

[WhereIsMyLight]

I saw my grandad. He’d been declining in health for a long time, getting smaller and frailer. So I didn’t think he could much look smaller and frailer, but somehow he did. He died peacefully at home, no post-mortem required and went straight to the funeral home. It didn’t look like my grandad, more like some weird cast of him. I’ve seen other relatives shortly after they’ve died in hospital and it’s as if they are at peace but still them. It didn’t feel like it was my grandad anymore.

I wouldn’t have seen him if my grandma hadn’t insisted on seeing him and I couldn’t let her go in by herself. Your brother wants to see his partner. You might find it hard to see your BIL like that but your brother’s reaction might be the killer. That was the moment it really hit my grandma. Just remind yourself you’re doing it for your brother. If he wants to see his partner, you won’t be able to talk him out of it (and shouldn’t) and just support him as best you can.

[oberst]

Thank you everyone.

We aren't 100% sure on cause of death, he died on his way home after being at the pub but we have been told it points to the heart condition they both have. It's hereditary.

I am unsure what to do and I have spoken to my partner who still wants to see him. I will support him but I may call the funeral home first to ask as I don't want to feel traumatised.

I have such an increase of anxiety at the moment around dying. I don't know if it would help me personally.

[Rocknrollstar]

Everyone is different. I saw my dad just after he died and he just looked as if he was asleep. We sat with his body over night and kept waiting for him to just sit up. On the other hand, I nursed my mother and was with her when she died and she no longer looked like herself. When I was younger I refused to view the body of my MiL. If you want to support your DP you could go with him but stand back from the coffin so you don’t see the body. Or stand just outside the room. Your partner should consider very carefully whether he really needs to view the body. Why is he going? It may sound harsh, but it won’t make any difference to the dead person. Personally, I think the idea of viewing dead bodies is a bit weird.

[itsgoingtobeabumpyride]

My DM was in the funeral home 2 weeks before she was cremated.
She still looked like my mum but different, her hair was wrong, make up was wrong.
The funeral directors did their best and were very kind, we took some of her clothes in and redid her hair.
The coldness was the worst thing, she had ice packs packed around her under a sheet.
You won't see anything awful, my mum hit her head as she died and the funeral directors covered over the damage.
Speak to the funeral home, we asked how long we could keep coming and they very kindly and caringly said they would tell us if she deteriorated to the point that we shouldn't see her anymore.

[ExcellentCat]

@Rocknrollstar

Everyone is different. I saw my dad just after he died and he just looked as if he was asleep. We sat with his body over night and kept waiting for him to just sit up. On the other hand, I nursed my mother and was with her when she died and she no longer looked like herself. When I was younger I refused to view the body of my MiL. If you want to support your DP you could go with him but stand back from the coffin so you don’t see the body. Or stand just outside the room. Your partner should consider very carefully whether he really needs to view the body. Why is he going? It may sound harsh, but it won’t make any difference to the dead person. Personally, I think the idea of viewing dead bodies is a bit weird.

This is also good advice, the funeral home might be able to indicate to you where to stand so you’re there but don’t get a view.

some people really need to see the body to help them to process what has happened, especially I think if they weren’t present when the person died, otherwise I think some people feel almost as if the person is I don’t know how to phrase this, just gone away? Or hiding? Our brains are really strange things & we do all process these things in different ways.
Take things as gently as you can.

[Anguish]

Funeral home had my partner looking substantially better than the morning I found his body, and he'd been 2-3 weeks dead. You've nothing to fear.

[Sera1989]

I saw my DM about 2 weeks after she passed away and unfortunately it wasn't a good experience. They did warn me that she would look pale and waxy, which she did, but she looked significantly older and not like my mum anymore, almost like gravity was affecting her more than before. I found it very difficult and I couldn't look at actors pretending to be dead on TV for quite a long time.

I was also upset as we had given the funeral home a photo of her so they could see how she did her hair and makeup (because she had no real eyebrows etc.) but they didn't make her up they just placed the photo in her hands. Obviously our fault as there was a communication error but I'd have thought it was obvious what the photo was for

[Floralnomad]

@Anguish

Funeral home had my partner looking substantially better than the morning I found his body, and he'd been 2-3 weeks dead. You've nothing to fear.

This is simply not true , it’s your experience but it is not the experience many of us have had .

[ginasevern]

I wouldn't OP. The deterioration of the body after that length of time is really noticeable and so is the fact that all life has gone from it. I know that sounds obvious, but it's not something you realise until you actually see a corpse. The deceased generally look entirely different and not in a good way. If you happen to see someone shortly after death it isn't so bad and they could almost be asleep but even the next day can make a big difference. I think it's best to remember people as they were. I certainly wouldn't want my loved ones to view my corpse, especially weeks after death.

[MooseBeTimeForSnow]

A neighbour of mine died in a canoeing accident. I was surprised that it was an open casket at his funeral. Many attendees paid their respects right at the casket. I chose not to.

I was surprised at how grey he was and, as a PP said, waxy looking.

[mollyfolk]

I’ve only seen people “done up” with make up so they all looked fine. I’d ring and ask what to expect. Personally if I don’t see the body, I find it hard to accept they are dead. I found my own mother the most upsetting as she had deteriorated alot and I just kissed her quickly but my aunt spent the night before beside her and took great comfort in it.

[Fraaahnces]

I don’t think anyone should hazard a guess. There are too many factors. (Length of time before found, temperature, injuries, etc…) I do know that the funeral home will attempt to cover/disguise any injuries, impart a more life-like appearance to the hue of the skin and tidy up hair & nails, etc, but due to the very mobile nature of the face (even in sleep), nobody looks quite themselves when they pass away.

[Retrievemysanity]

Hi OP. My brother was in his 20’s when he died and we viewed him a couple of weeks afterwards. He didn’t look awful but he didn’t look anything like how he had looked alive. Cold and waxy a bit like a Madame Tussaud’s waxwork. I found it to be an odd experience and I went as felt pressured to by family members but it didn’t traumatise me, it was just very sad and surreal. Sorry for your loss.

[StopStartStop]

I went three times to see my late mother before she was buried.
The funeral home remarked on 'how peaceful she looked'.
No, she didn't.
The only part of her face I recognised was her forehead - but that was definitely her.
Her mouth had a metal clip or clips in it. I imagine she died screaming and the funeral home tried to form a 'normal'-ish face out of what they had.

So OP, even if you go, and even if they've made a 'good job' of your BIL, it might be that he doesn't look like himself. Be ready, just in case.

[CoconutAirways]

The person you knew has gone . It's not a pleasant experience , it didn't bring me comfort, but that's my experience

[CoconutAirways]

@StopStartStop

I went three times to see my late mother before she was buried.
The funeral home remarked on 'how peaceful she looked'.
No, she didn't.
The only part of her face I recognised was her forehead - but that was definitely her.
Her mouth had a metal clip or clips in it. I imagine she died screaming and the funeral home tried to form a 'normal'-ish face out of what they had.

So OP, even if you go, and even if they've made a 'good job' of your BIL, it might be that he doesn't look like himself. Be ready, just in case.

If it's any consolation to you O/P they put those things inside the mouth to keep it closed. 💐

[Heckythump1]

I went to see my Grandpa and my Nana when they had died.... they both just looked like they were asleep and very peaceful. I was glad I had the chance to see them one more time, to say goodbye and give them both one last kiss.