My best friend died suddenly

[Silvernutmeg70]

My best friend from my uni days that I've known since I was 18 (I'm now 53), died very suddenly in January this year age just 52. She got flu, then pneumonia and then died in hospital of complications after being on a ventilator for a couple of weeks, during which she apparently communicated by blinking. It all happened very quickly, I got a Christmas card from her just before Christmas and we'd arranged to meet up in February, then at the beginning of Jan I got a call from her daughter telling me she'd passed away. It was a massive shock. I went to the funeral and it just didn't seem real. Every day since finding out she'd died I've had nightmares about her being on a ventilator, worrying about her suffering and being frightened and feeling so sad I hadn't known about her being so ill. If I had I'd have dropped everything to go and visit her in hospital. I'm devastated and no one, apart from a couple of mutual friends, seems to understand why as we weren't family, but I honestly loved her like a sister and miss her so much.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t understand why people don’t understand how shocking and sad it would be to lose your friend in such a way. You are entitled to grieve and decent friends and family members would support you.

I’m so sorry for your loss, it must’ve been a terrible shock, sending you lots of love. I think it’s very understandable to be feeling like you are x

That is so sad. It’s heartbreaking to lose a dear friend. She wasn’t that old too. Grief sucks…

I am so sorry…she sounds like a wonderful friend and it’s a huge loss.
Some thought.
-could you consider some counselling?
-try to keep lines communication open with her daughter .. if you have known her Mum for so long then you will be an important person in her daughters life… invite her out coffee and cake.. it will be good for both of you and there is a young woman who has lost her Mum very unexpectedly
-be reassured that ICU staff are amazing… they would have done everything to keep your friend comfortable and minimise her distress.

Thanks to all for your kind words, it really helps to know there are people who understand. I have looked into counselling but unsurprisingly there are long waiting lists, althought posting on here has provided some comfort.

And I'm in a Whasapp group with her son and daughter who are both away at uni, which is comforting hopefully for all of us.

Sorry for your loss and no wonder you are feeling like this - what a shock and for someone young. It's so unfair. Allow yourself time to process it all, do you have mutual friends you can talk to? And counselling sounds like a good idea so you can deal with the way you feel about how your friend suffered. Sending love to you and sorry you have gone through this, so hard.

OP it is over a year since my best friend died and it was relatively expected (cancer) but I absolutely cannot get over it. I listen to voice notes she sent me and cry on the floor. It's hard. I feel 'bad' that I'm still sad and I'm not even family. She was heavenly and made my life better and it's a bit of a shit life tbh so her rays of sunshine were the best.

Sorry fuck all help but friendship is a wonderful gift and aren't we lucky to have had such amazing friends? 💕

I'm so sorry. Its not surprising you're finding this hard to deal with

I’m so sorry OP

It’s completely normal to be devastated by a close friend dying, I would be. It’s no different to loosing a family member.

I would contact Cruise - they certainly provide support for people who’ve lost friends, and can help with accessing counselling which I think would be helpful.

Is there a way that you and the other friends that knew her can think about remembering her? I think if you can move your focus off feeling horrified by her last weeks, that would help you.

I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm not surprised you're still grieving, you've got nothing to feel bad for. I believe friends can in some cases feel closer than family because you "choose" each other, if you know what I mean. Ray of sunshine is a very apt phrase. We are indeed very lucky to have had such amazing friends in our lives.

I've had a couple of similar bereavements in the last three years - friends of my own age, and deaths which have completely winded me.
The hardest bit is that you're not particularly important to their family members left behind.
No real advice, but just to say you are not alone.