My bil died suddenly; anxious seeing dp

[oberst]

My lovely partner who I have known for nearly 20 years is currently working in America.

We had the awful news that his brother, who I also have known the same time, died suddenly very late Saturday/early Sunday.

The news has hit everyone in such a horrid and shocking way. He was 36.

But my poor partner has desperately been trying to get a flight home while everyone is gathering together and remembering his brother.

I saw their parents yesterday. They haven't been able to even see their son yet. They are going today, but they are not allowed to touch him or kiss him. I can't begin to even imagine how they are feeling. I feel useless that I can't do anything. It's such a horrid feeling.

I went to his place of work where there were lovely flowers placed and called my partner to try and make sure he still felt connected. I then went to where his brother died, and the feeling was such surreal. It is so painful. I didn't show the photo to my partner that I went as I don't know how he would have felt. Not everyone knows where/how he died so there were only a couple bunches of flowers there, one from his parents. It was surreal. I kept imaging him just there.

My partner flies back and I'm collecting him tomorrow from the airport. I really do not think it has hit him yet. His dad also agreed and is worried about how he seems to be very calm. There's a lot of bottling up.

I am so anxious about seeing him tomorrow. I don't know why. I guess because I know what's coming. I know he's going to probably have a huge release of emotions. I know how awful and painful these up coming weeks are going to be.

His brother was very popular and has many many friends all over, he met a lot of people through his job too. Seeing people on social media coming together is comforting and knowing how loved he was is special. But we are still in so much shock that it's happened. It doesn't feel real.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I think I'm scared as I've not had to deal with such a horrible loss with my partner yet. We are due to get married in 6 months. His brother was so excited. I feel almost useless and I wish there was more I could do.

[piegirl74]

Thank you for sharing. I too have had a similar situation with my partner who lost his BIL suddenly and had to manage his sister and nephew's pain. I also lost a breast friend recently in a tragic accident so am familiar with that phone call and the devastation it causes. He will be in shock and that will last a while. Grief comes in stages and it is personal to us all. All you can do is be there for him and listen to him. We can't make this better but we can be there for each other and show our love and emotion.

It will be good for him to be with family who feel the same so that they can share their pain. There will be a lot to sort out and an awful lot of it will keep you busy for some time. It often gets worse when things settle down and they noise recedes. Sleep will evade but we must be kind to ourselves when we suffer. Try and eat well (nutritious meals), try and get out for walks, try and talk (especially about the person you lost), try and sleep and, perhaps most importantly, be kind to each other. Everyone will behave differently and some people will say the WRONG things. Don't take it to heart. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. All of you. It often feels like it is the very best ones that get cruelly snatched away. Leaving us all bewildered and longing. x

[SpringtimeBunny]

Perhaps I read this wrong as have sun in my eyes (for once) but I'm curious as to why you took a photo of where he died? Why would you feel compelled to do such a thing?

[Cafelattes]

@SpringtimeBunny

Perhaps I read this wrong as have sun in my eyes (for once) but I'm curious as to why you took a photo of where he died? Why would you feel compelled to do such a thing?

It's not weird if there were tributes left there, as the op suggests? Presumably it was to record those?

Anyway op I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my partner suddenly a few years ago and whilst the initial days were hellish, I found the adrenaline and shock got me through it, I was in a haze.It was after the funeral that I kind of collapsed with grief. My point is your DP might not react how you think or might just seem distant. Just be prepared for anything, it's a long road x

[mitogoshi]

Just be prepared him to unable to talk about it or not stop talking, crying or numb ... we are all different.

Hugs to you for being a rock for him

[DSisNolongerhere]

As someone who very recently lost a sibling totally unexpectedly and at a too young age, the range of emotions I have felt is so wide. From numbness to sadness to sobbing to even laughing about some of her quirks. The hardest part is not knowing which emotion is going to come next. I am usually such a logical person that it’s quite confusing that I might seemingly randomly burst into tears even nearly two months on.

My DH has been amazing at letting me cry when I want to, talk when I want to or just hugging me when he can see I’m upset but don’t want to talk. I know I’m currently a bit of a different person but DH is taking it in his stride.

Anyway this is not about me but I hope in telling you how I have valued the support of DH, that may give you some ideas in how to be there for your partner.

[oberst]

Sorry if that has offended you. My partner asked to take photos of the flowers and tributes because he is in America and wanted to see? Unsure why that is so awful. But I also do realise that grief is an odd thing, and that is the reason I have not sent him the photo; and only a photo of the flowers and tributes outside his shop.

Please, there was no need to ask that and be so cruel. I'm not taking photos of a horrid crime scene for myself, come on. It was a residential road where flowers had been placed on a wall.

[oberst]

Thank you everyone.

I keep having awful waves of being 'okay' then utterly distraught.

I am anxious to see my partner and I'm also worried that it's still not sunken in and how he is going to be once it has. He's being very philosophical and matter of fact at current.

I just will be there for him in any way possible. He's asked me to pick up some flowers so we can go there after I've got him, then on to see his parents which is where I think it might hit him.

[oberst]

It's obviously been a couple days now. I exhausted.

I have lost grandparents and friends before but this has really hit differently.

My partner is incredible and I'm letting him take the lead.

Both him and his brother have the same heart condition so I am obviously worrying a lot. My mind is going into over drive. I thought I'd of slept better with him being home now but in fact it's worse and I keep waking up to check on him.

PM is being done, and we hope to find out mid next week.

I feel drained. Hard when we have a toddler too.

[ClaraMumsnet]

Hello, given that the OP has posted for support, can we ask that this thread is not further derailed, thank you.

[MaverickBoon]

Do you feel like your comments are helping someone very much mired in the horrific initial stages of grief, @SpringtimeBunny? I think trying to comfort and help people is probably the primary focus of the Bereavement board, personally.

OP I'm really sorry to read your post - it sounds extremely tough and it's awful knowing that a situation will get very much worse before it gets better. The best advice I can give it to keep reminding yourself that there's no correct way to grieve and everyone experiences grief differently. I found it incredibly difficult to see all the rest of my family, the ones left behind, in a room together for their first time after an unexpected and tragic family bereavement - it was as though doing that made it real. I don't know how we all got through that time, to be honest, but we did, and you will too - very best of luck.

[oberst]

@MaverickBoon

Do you feel like your comments are helping someone very much mired in the horrific initial stages of grief, @SpringtimeBunny? I think trying to comfort and help people is probably the primary focus of the Bereavement board, personally.

OP I'm really sorry to read your post - it sounds extremely tough and it's awful knowing that a situation will get very much worse before it gets better. The best advice I can give it to keep reminding yourself that there's no correct way to grieve and everyone experiences grief differently. I found it incredibly difficult to see all the rest of my family, the ones left behind, in a room together for their first time after an unexpected and tragic family bereavement - it was as though doing that made it real. I don't know how we all got through that time, to be honest, but we did, and you will too - very best of luck.

Oh wow I didn't see what they said? Was it horrid?

[MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel]

I lost my sister suddenly in 2022 and I swung wildly from devastated, to stoic, to laughing at memories.

I also remember being massively pissed off at a friend of hers, who plastered it all over Facebook for sympathy. I refer to her now as the grief vampire because as a family we made the decision not to advertise it on social media (other than funeral details). She had orphaned her children (teens) and we were trying to protect them.

So just be aware of how all this social media posting by your bil friends, may affect the family. My best friend jumped in and sorted out our grief vampire.

[oberst]

@MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel

I lost my sister suddenly in 2022 and I swung wildly from devastated, to stoic, to laughing at memories.

I also remember being massively pissed off at a friend of hers, who plastered it all over Facebook for sympathy. I refer to her now as the grief vampire because as a family we made the decision not to advertise it on social media (other than funeral details). She had orphaned her children (teens) and we were trying to protect them.

So just be aware of how all this social media posting by your bil friends, may affect the family. My best friend jumped in and sorted out our grief vampire.

Thank you.

I actually think their parents and my partner are really finding comfort in seeing all the people reaching out on social media. There are literally hundreds. So, lots of photos and memories.

Just shows each individual goes through grief differently I guess.

We are off to his parents now, then to see some more friends. I'm very tired and we both haven't slept very well at all.

[user1567879667589]

I’m sorry for your loss OP. When someone dies young and unexpectedly it’s the most brutal grief. I think when someone is ill you’re preparing yourself for it, but the shock is something else again on top of the death.
There’s no right or wrong things to do, just getting to the end of each day is an achievement at this stage.