No support when preparing for bereavement

[alltoomuchrightnow]

I feel almost selfish to write this but I feel so alone
My father is dying, he wants to go, today he said he feels he will be gone within the week
This is all quite sudden as although ill health it was controlled for years, but last week he had a stroke and other issues, and the fighting spirit he's always had is gone. He's told the doctors, no resucitation and he's had enough.
It's just me and my mum. I need to be so strong to support her. She's always been incredibly dependent..it's almost like looking after a child at times.
She will literally fall to pieces without my dad who has always done everything for her. She cant even pay a bill or deal with anything admin related. Life just seems impossible to her...she admits she's relied on dad too much and says it's too late to change now. I have power of attorney.
I left domestic violence last summer and moved to a tiny hamlet where I don't know a soul. I've not been able to make friends here as I work antisocial hours and every week is different so not like I can join or commit to anything. I don't have weekends and work most evenings. I was just starting to think about getting life back on track and change jobs as it's up to me to get out there and meet people and become part of my new community. Right now I have to deal with my parents so the job hunting will be left for a while.
I do have friends but none are local and all have busy lives. Certainly people I can contact but not necessarily see, and again, my hours don't help
My brother lives other side of the world.
I see others going through traumatic events with supportive partners. I just wish I had someone to give me a hug and say I'll get through this. I have ptsd and am a terrible sleeper and get panic attacks, nightmares and night terrors, that was before this with my father.
How have others dealt with being alone while supporting a loved one through bereavement?
Did you just put your big girl pants on and deal with it because you had no choice ? I'm trying to but then I get home to a lonely house and it hits me just how alone I am. How can I give the support I need to when I feel like this...

[Theredjellybean]

I don't know is the answer.
My father has just been given a terminal diagnosis and he is extremely fit and well...it's a blood cancer and quite advanced.
My mother sounds like yours.
I'm not sure what is going to be worse , my father dying or dealing with my mother.
You can contact bereavement charities and help the aged might be good for your mum.

[pickledandpuzzled]

I am so sorry. It is shit. I have been in a similar situation.

I’d suggest a couple of things for you-
look for a bereavement group you can go to when you get the opportunity. You don’t need to go every time, it’s ok to bob in and out according to your shifts.
find something you want to do- swim, knit, yoga, whatever. Do it once a week. Make it a priority. You may not be able to join a group, but if you do just go whenever shifts allow.

Those two things will keep you a tiny corner of life that is just for you, albeit a bit squeezed.

Get to GP and ask for counselling and possibly if you think you need it, medication. I know I dip. In the run up to really stressful situations I go on an antidepressant then come off afterwards when life has settled again.


Now about your mum- draw boundaries, things you don’t do- and set up systems. Does she do her own shopping? If not set up delivery for her. If she is dependent, she has to do things your way. If you are busy doing her admin, you can’t visit this week. Is there enough money for dat to day for her, when she loses your dad? Tell her to get counselling and join a bereavement group too!

I’m so sorry.