6 months since my mum passed and I feel lost

[FairBird]

My mum passed away September 17th 2023 after a really short battle with cancer. She was diagnosed at the end of June 2023, diagnosed terminal end of August and then passed mid September. I'm an only child, I don't know my father and my grandparents are also no longer alive. My mum had no siblings either so it's me and my partner.

I am not coping. I am trying to and pretending to others that I am but I absolutely am not coping and the mask is starting to slip and people are starting to notice something is wrong. It is affecting all parts of my life, including my relationship.
My partner has been through all of this with me, he hasn't left my side and has supported and comforted me through all this but in the past 2 months I have started to close myself off from him through fear I am overwhelming him. I try to cry when he isn't home or at night so he doesn't have to see it and I rarely discuss how I feel, even though he knows something is wrong and he asks. I feel overwhelmed with many different emotions, fear, anxiety, sadness, emptiness and they fight with each other to be the dominant emotion. I fear now that I will lose my relationship too because in my eyes, nothing is going right anymore and then I will be completely alone. I have known my partner for 14 years and he has always been my best friend and confident, I have felt masses of safety and security with him but suddenly I feel on edge and scared that at any moment he will leave me too. The gnawing feeling that eats away at me because if I have a problem I cannot call my mum anymore is growing and festering, it's become such a huge frustration that keeps building and building because I desperately want to talk to her, to hear her wisdom and advice, her comfort and loving words. I feel suspicious of everyone around me now, that nobody really loves me, that I don't know anyone anymore.

My partner says that I don't talk to him as much anymore and he is left guessing how I feel or how to approach certain situations. Since my mum passed away I have experienced her birthday, my grandads birthday, my grandmothers anniversary, my grandads anniversary, Christmas, New Year and my own birthday. It was our own anniversary a few days ago and I couldn't understand why he wasn't excited, he told me it was because he wasn't sure how I was going to be and he didn't want to upset me. I don't know how to communicate anymore until the grief has become so heavy it bubbles over and I cry for hours. Then I close up again until it's too heavy and the cycle continues.

I am tired, my soul feels sore, I feel like my very core has been torn apart and this huge wound has just been left there and I don't know what to do with it. I crave my partner, I crave his comforting words and his cuddles but I am scared to ask for it and I don't understand truly where this fear has come from.

[ReadtheReviews]

Didn't want to read and run. I am sure I will be the same when this happens to me. Also only child to a single parent. I understand the fear he might not cope with how much you need to fall apart.
Perhaps start a conversation with your fear about this and make it more manageable for him by laying out exactly what you need him to do. Eg. If I'm crying just cuddle me. I don't want you to solve anything, just be there while I go through it.

[worldwidetravel2017]

Macmillan are very good to talk to.

Different scenario for me but last year during a 5 month time period - i lost my grandad ( we were very close) , had multiple maybe cancer pathways - urgent scans and procedures and had a miscarriage - very wanted child

^ stilll grieving a fair bit of that..

Could you reconnect with a weekend away ?

Do you have a counsellor ?

[ACatCanLookAtAKing]

I'd strongly recommend grief counselling. I didn't realise how or why it would help but it really did.

Remember too that 6 months is nothing in terms of your grief. It can take up to 2 years to feel like you are basically 'functioning' as normal and up to 6 years to be 'happy' in yourself.

Loss of a parent, especially a loved mother, is one of the greatest losses most people will ever experience in their life.

I miss my mother every single day. Condolences to you.