My mum was unconscious when she died - did she know I wasn't there?

[McMaggie]

For the last couple of days of my mum's life, she wasn't conscious. She'd been in hospital and then a hospice for around 6 weeks. She really wanted to come home, but they wouldn't let us take her. I promised her I would. They said we could. I told her and she was so happy. And then they changed their minds. I will never forgive myself for not fighting for her harder. My sister and I went every day and sat with her all day, and all the important things were said before she went. On the morning she died, we'd gone home the night before to sleep and shower. The doctor said it could have continued for days or weeks. SHe's not said anything for a day or so. She was sleeping. We had no way or sleeping or showering and I had nobody to look after my child. She died in the early hours of the morning when we weren't there. I keep thinking that she might have woken up and nobody was there for her. Maybe she was scared.
I miss her so much.
I've got nice people around me, and I love my DD more than anything.
But I want my mum back. None of the people I know are anything like her. I can't talk to anyone like I talked to her. I'm on my own. I can get through a day and then just sit and sob when my DD is in bed. Not all the time, but it just hits me. Is this it? I'll never speak to her again? I've got to get through the rest of my life like this? I've had grief counselling. It didn't work. I just said what the woman wanted to hear in the end.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I lost my mum about seven years ago so I know how you feel.

My mum went into an uncontious stage but we sat with her and spoke to her and held her hand. I tried to stay in hospital but I needed my sleep and couldnt sleep on the floor. Don't beat yourself up for need rest and she was in the best place.

The nurses told me my mum was able to hear us because the ability to hear is present til the end. So that was reassuring and your mum was able to hear you too!

I'm sorry for your loss.

I've seen threads on here where people who see death often - nurses, etc - talk about their experiences and many of them say the same thing: that people seem to choose to leave this world alone. They go when their loved ones have nipped back home, the medical staff have left the room, etc. So if she was aware, it may be that she actually wanted it that way

I'm sorry for your loss. How long ago did your mum pass away. Sometimes I think a person will slip away when they are by themselves. It is far more likely that she slipped away in her sleep, especially if it was in the early hours of the morning. That is when the body is at its most slowed down and relaxed and it is a common time to pass away.

I’m so so sorry you’ve lost your beloved Mum. It sounds as though you had an amazing relationship and made her end so loving and spent time with her. She is with you still in your sister you and your daughter and all your beautiful memories. But it’s still very very hard. It must be incredible to have that bond together not everyone feels that. Very precious.

I've worked in a hospice and I truly believe that people often choose to go when they are on their own , please don't blame yourself, she knew she was loved by you. Sometimes a move to home would be too risky or traumatic for the person so doctors advise against it, it was not your fault that she needed to stay at the hospice. You did everything you could for her.

I'm sorry for your loss. Was it recent?

It's 25 years today since my mum died. She'd had a massive stroke and I tortured myself for a long time about how she would have hated those last weeks and was she scared and that none of us was with her at the end.

But actually we'd done all we could. She knew we loved her and that's the main thing.

I've lost both parents, a baby and a sibling. I didn't have counselling, I just let time do its thing. It always does in the end and I wish you peace ❤ x

(Many health professionals have said that people often wait until they're alone to go, my mum certainly did - my sister had just visited.)

I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you had a really close relationship with your mum, which must have been a comfort for her in the later days.

I lost my dad when I was 15. And it was one of my greatest regrets in life that I didn't see him when he'd gone. I was too young too comprehend (or accept) the hints that he wasn't to stay - my mum never told me he was terminally ill. So I didn't visit often enough.

But I always told myself, I'd see him one day when I leave this world... just like that. I'm not religious, but it helped me to get through it and forgive myself.

Your mum must have been in discomfort for a long time. It's painful for you, yet it might let her finally find peace and free from pain.

Don't look back too much. Cherish what she had given to you and love yourself and your children like she wished. It's important, as you are part of her life - the extended one...

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I'm sorry for your loss, was it recent? I lost my mum in November so understand the "I can't believe il never see her or speak to her again" thoughts.

I believe she would of been asleep and unaware, the hospice encouraged us to go for walks and breaks and she was only in 5 days. I believe sometimes they slip away peacefully when alone to save their loved ones the grief of witnessing it. The thoughts about this and having her at home are all the bargaining stage of grief. Please know you aren't alone and others console with you, talk on here as much as you need to.

Exactly what my grandma did. She waited till my mum went home for a few hours.

I am so sorry for the loss of your mum.

As a nurse, I echo what @LittleRedY0shi people do seem to wait until their relatives/friends have left to drift away.

This is so raw and new to you, the intensity will pass, and you will start to think about all the lovely things your mum did for you,.and what she meant to everyone. There will come a time when you don't cry when you think of her, you will begin to laugh and look forward.

I always say the same thing, please be kind to yourself 💗

As the others have said, you will start to feel less raw eventually. It helped me to think of my parents at peace, and if I was feeling bad I would make myself think of happy memories with them. You had all your life with your lovely Mum, think of all your lovely memories, rather than the short horrible end time. 🌹

OP This happened with DP. He was at home and I had been by his side constantly for several days, not sleeping or showering. The hospice nurse had come round to give me some respite and I went to have a quick bath. I had just got in and she came up to tell me that he had died.

I know that there is not logic to it but I have always felt guilty about it.

My mum had died less than a year before, quite suddenly, but we did get to see her on the day she died. We visited her in hospital in the evening and she died later that night. That was four years ago and I still miss her so much.

It was May last year.
I have days when I cope and days where I just can't seem to believe it.
I still need to talk to her desperately.
Weirdly, I was better when it had just happened.

I wish I could believe in something. That she's happy somewhere. That we will see eachother again.

If she did wake up, it would have been very fleeting and very unlikely she would be fully aware. More likely she heard you say all the right things, and slipped away very peacefully. You’ll always have her in your heart, she knew you loved her.

The pain will lessen in time, but may never completely go. I think if you love something deeply, there’s always some pain, she will always be with you. Think of all the wonderful times you had, talk to your mum if it helps. DM still misses her mother, she would tell me stories of the lovely Christmases they had. Keeps the memories alive, she finds it a huge comfort. Your lovely mum would want you to live your life and enjoy your daughter. Let yourself grieve.

I lost my mum 10 years ago. When I allow myself to think of it, I still feel I can't believe I'll never speak to her again. It's so bleak.

I did manage to be with my mum when she died but if it helps any, it haunts my dreams and I'm quite sure she would have told me not to be there if she'd been able to. People say that my memories of that night will fade, well I'm still waiting on that.

Doctors can be awfully stubborn about people going home if they are too far gone so I don't think there is much you could have done to persuade them to send her home. Both my parents talked about being at home, but in the end, the hospice was the more comfortable place for them as it was just better drugs and quicker access to changes to drugs if needed.

Anyway, whilst I wish I could set aside the last day she was with us and those memories, and I will never stop feeling cheated out of never speaking to her again, I have learned to live with it. It isn't as bad as it once was. Life sort of grows around the grief.

Much love to you in this, the shittest of things to go through.

I know with my Mum's Mum, she hung on until everyone had left the room.

In the end she asked my DM to go and buy her a pair of slippers even though she hadn't walked for weeks. My Mum left to buy them and she died while she was alone.

I think lots of people prefer to go alone but it doesn't make it easier.

Dear OP, I'm sorry for your loss. It's very hard when your mother dies, no matter what age you or they are.

My mother died of Covid , in a care home in early 2021. I still feel guilty that I wasn't able to be there with her, even if she wasn't conscious in her final days.
My aunt and her daughter kept a vigil in a hospice beside her dying DH. After two days and nights, they left to have a few hours rest and he died within an hour of their departure. A lot of people seem to take that final step alone.

Sorry for your loss OP. I'm sure your mum knew how much you loved her.