*Trigger* stillbirth

[Jammydodged]

Hi, I was wondering if anybody could recommend something we could send to friends of ours who have had the most devastating news 😢. Someone once told me how they hated receiving flowers after a death as they had so many they didn’t know what to do with them all and then they all died.

Thank you

I received books(Zoe Coates,Worst Girl Gang Ever), scarf,an album and a painting.These items mean the world to me ❤️

My middle baby was stillborn. Flowers were awful but cards were really appreciated, not traditional sympathy cards, just nice cards. But mostly we found people disappeared or avoided us because they didn’t no what to say. So just stay around, ask their baby’s name, let them talk about their baby if they want.

Food. In my culture we bring food at moments of great joy and of great sadness, since it’s always needed and the last thing a grieving family wants to deal with.

My condolences to your friend at this difficult time. More practical, but food vouchers may be an idea, like COOK or something similar. Just to lessen their load abit xx

I don’t know if this would be too practical, but what about some Cook ready meals or something? Or just a card I’m sure would be appreciated.

I’m so sorry for your friends. Please ask them if they would like to talk about their baby or show you photos.

I didn’t mind flowers , it meant people cared .
Like @TeaKitten though , thoughts , time spent and just normal chats all help more.
Not material things .

When my DD was stillborn nobody sent flowers - presumably because that felt too celebratory? - but that felt kind of awful to me as well. So I don’t know what to advise.

I have kept all the cards that my friends and colleagues and family sent. I can’t tell you how moving it was to receive so many cards, even from people who were not close friends. Even when people didn’t know what to say, just the fact that they had thought about us and sent a message of condolence meant so much.

A select few friends were able to listen to me tell them about what happened, and that can’t have been easy for them, but that was the most loving and immensely helpful thing.

I agree with TeaKitten, asking their baby's name is the most important thing you can do, and follow their lead - some bereaved parents want to talk about the baby, others don't. Cards are good because they can be kept and looked at again.

Yes @Bunnyhair id agree , with the sharing of things with closest friends , very few know the full timeline and I so appreciate them listening. Thinking back , the listening is the best gift a friend can give.

Thank you lovely people. We don’t live that close so I will need to post something initially. Do you think it would be inappropriate to include a card which also celebrates them becoming parents?

@Jammydodged thats a hard one. Do you mean a congratulations type card - like you’d give normally when a baby has been born?

My instinct is no - only because I had a very hard birth (we are both fine now) and while I was haemorrhaging DP went over to DS who was being worked on by the paediatrician and the doc said to him congratulations and he thought it was just the most insane thing to say at that point. Obvs this is very different. I guess everyone would want different things and no one knows what they would want until it happens.

Personally I would find a lovely card, find out what baby’s name was, and address it to ‘baby’s mummy and daddy’. You are acknowledging them as parents without any sort of welcome to the world type card.

I’m just making this up as I go along - I’ve never had to do this. I’m so sorry for your friends. Hopefully someone with more personal knowledge will come along as they’ve done upthread.

I would strongly advise not send a card congratulating them on becoming parents. I know some people on the internet suggest this, but it would have made me very, very upset to receive something like this.

@Bunnyhair thank you, I’d seen someone mention it before but I wasn’t sure how it would be received so I won’t do that. Thank you all x

Please don’t send the congratulations on being a parent card. Do do something; a condolences card or a plain card with a message from you if you can’t find a simple condolences card with no appropriate text.

on the flowers front, I do think that sending something in a planter or pot that doesn’t require any effort whatsoever is still nice. John Lewis and M&S have some lovely things online which will require zero attention when they arrive.

Something else that just occurred to me, for when you do see your friends. Some parents want to share photos of their baby but others don’t. Not all stillborn babies look like sleeping angels, particularly if considerable time had passed between the death and the birth. Not all parents take / keep photographs for this and other reasons. You may not wish to see photographs, and that is also OK and totally understandable.

Someone sent me a candle when I was bereaved (a simple but nice one) and I was so touched I've adopted the idea and sometimes send them to others grieving.

That is a lovely idea. I am going to adopt it too.

I agree with some previous Posters: pls ask for the Child's name and speak about them as much as the Parents want. I still talk about my Daughter, who would be rising 19. I value everything anyone cared to send because it marked her existence. I love flowers, but I can see how they might land badly. Giving a damn goes a long way ...

A card. I didn't want anything else but cards or letters.

Acknowledge it. It’s not an illness. Let them talk, grieve and be angry (if they need to) whatever they need. Might depend how well you know them, a card and candle is also welcome.

I would not want flowers, but people mean well.

Do not send a congratulations type card, that's an awful idea whoever originally wrote it. A plain card, saying you are always there if you need to talk. The most important thing is that you don't avoid them out of embarrassment of not knowing what to say, so many people did that to me and it hurt. Some people were too open, so it's a delicate balance. I like the candle idea.

One thing I would say is to remember your friend won’t be ok even months later. After my son was stillborn I had lots of people get in touch immediately then nothing. People just acted like before and never mentioned him. I even mentioned it to my best friend at the time who told me she did not want to mention it un case it upset me. I had to explain that I was always thinking of my baby and that people acknowledging what I was going through could not possibly make it worse. Work was the same. My manager (childless) was surprised on my first day back when I said I was still struggling and that I thought of my son all the time. So maybe send your friend some messages as time goes on letting her know you are still thinking of her and are there for her.