Dad died. Making me evaluate my mum - help

[Flyhigher]

My dad died 2 weeks ago. It's painful. And it's dragging up everything about my family. I don't really like my mum. She's been really mean about him. They separated 20 years ago.
I feel like the wrong parent died.
That's awful.
How can I reconstruct the relationship with her.

That's really recent. I'm very sorry for your loss.

I would say at the moment spend time with people who make you feel comforted, maybe people you know liked or loved your dad. I don't think now is the time to work on a really difficult relationship.

If you think she is upset by his death (my mum was, and they'd divorced 30 years before) then soendjng time with her would be kind, maybe go for a cup of tea so it's easy to leave. Be gentle to yourself.

I live 200 miles away. So I had to stay for four days. And I was exhausted. It did not go well.
She wasn't nice. She was upset as she missed the funeral. With a coat mix up.
But she was so hard. She made me cry lots.

I wanted to hug her and show some love.
She just was difficult the whole time.

I lost my mam a few months ago and I know what you mean about wanting to show some love @Flyhigher.

She had separated from my dad about 35 years ago. He came to the funeral but he's not so much as asked how I'm doing. The only time I've seen him since is when I went to see him on his birthday. He hasn't said anything bad, but for me it's the lack of compassion shown.

It is a hard time and you do need people to show some love. Even now I feel that and I'm lucky I have a handful of friends I can speak to. I'd agree with @PermanentTemporary in your time right now is best spent with people who make you feel comforted.

Well. My mum said a lot of mean things about my dad. So I guess if he said nothing then it's a win.

He must be upset. My mum is upset.

It's lovely that you guys all understand

My Dad died last year, and he was my active parent. The one that rang me every day, asked what the DC/grandchildren are doing. He and Mum split when I was a teenager and Mum has since remarried... but my sister is the golden child and I get the dregs. The day after Dad died, I just had this horrific sense of panic that I no longer had someone that would fight my corner, even though I know DH and my DC would. I would love a better relationship with my Mum but accept that I can't force it. It was my sisters 50th birthday this weekend and they all had a great time. Mum was on holiday (with my sister) for my 50th and I didn't even get a phone call.... we have a relationship but it's a cool one, if that makes sense. I would never put myself out because it just gets thrown back in my face - last Mothers day I spent a fortune paying for her and my DC to go out for an expensive meal and one of my DC put photos on social media. Mum then removed her tags from them all as it had upset my sister... never mind we did it the week before the actual day so she could spend the day with her. I just don't have the patience or energy for it.

I'm sorry for your loss, it's a tough one

Thank you. Omg. Families can be mean. X

Lovely that he rang every day. How beautiful x

It's the silence that's so hard, isn't it. The nothingness of it all.

It's OK to have a relationship with your Mum that's on your terms and not hers.

Not every relationship needs to be reconstructed. Some are better off left behind. And even for the ones that may be worth it... it's not necessarily your responsibility to put the effort in.

This is not the time for making big, permanent decisions, though. For now, just surround yourself with the people who do love and support you.

I'd say give yourself some space. Her grief will be very different to yours and to be honest neither of you are in a position to help each other much. However I can imagine it being very confusing for your mum as she has been separated from him. Perhaps she feels she shouldn't be grieving him.

Just surround yourself with your people if you can and keep a gentle distance until your own feelings settle.

It could be that now that your dad has passed a lot of angst might have gone unsettled and now the opportunity has been lost.

When my dad died I asked my mum (they'd divorced 30 odd years before) to come to the funeral and she declined, asking me why I was asking. I told her that I thought she would like to come to support me and my brother. She LAUGHED!

There is no right or wrong person to die but there also doesn't have to be a relationship. You know her due to the accident of birth, she doesn't have to be in your life. We owe our parents nothing.

@goingdownfighting yes perhaps. She's just not nice though. Her brain doesn't work right.

Going through this now. My amazing dad died last month he was my everything. I have always had a strained relationship with my my mom so he was my mom and my dad and the best grandfather to my kids coming to all their assemblies and school performances etc. I always felt that my mom was resentful of the relationship I had with him. They split up around 30 years

Since my dad passed I have hardly heard from her, not even to ask if I'm doing ok or to offer to help with my kids. I really feel so isolated and vulnerable now that I no longer have my dad. But I know he is still with me and remains in my heart

Xxxx