Loss of a child (student)

[verrrysadd]

A 6 year old student of mine recently passed away unexpectedly, despite complex health needs she was generally fine and it came completely out of the blue after a short illness.

She was an absolute delight, she made my job so much fun and exciting and being a part of her journey was an honour.

I can't stop thinking about her and her family. It was her funeral on Friday which I was able to attend and since then my thoughts about her have intensified.

I can't stop thinking about her alone in the cemetery and how cold it is. How lucky I am to be tucking my own children up in bed but her mummy and daddy can't. How she had so much to give and she's been snatched away.

I've not voiced this to anybody as it isn't about me, and whatever I am feeling isn't remotely comparable to her family, but i am quietly very upset and quite consumed by the loss at the moment.

I'm not really sure why I am posting or what I hope to achieve, I guess I just needed to say it somewhere and perhaps someone out there has dealt with similar?

I don't have any wise words @verrrysadd but I am so sorry to hear the news about your lovely student. It's clear how much she loved teaching her. I think it's so lovely that you attended your student's funeral and I am sure this meant so much to her parents. I am a bereaved mother (my eldest daughter died shortly after birth) so whilst it is different, I know that knowing that others think about my daughter and speak her name matters so much to me. I have no doubt that your lovely thoughts and actions will mean a lot.

It's understandable that you are so sad, this is just heartbreaking. Can you contact Cruse or have a chat with other staff members who you feel you can talk to? It sounds like being able to talk about how you feel may be helpful. I remember someone mentioning a grief campfire rather than a grief olympics once in that we all have the right to grieve, it's not a competition (in case you are perhaps feeling that you don't have the right to feel as upset as you do). I may be way off mark so apologies if so but you feel as you do and your lovely thoughts for your pupil shine though.

Thank you so much for your kind words

I guess there is an element of feeling like I have no right to be so sad.

I think it is totally understandable especially as she was so young. I lost one of my form group years ago very suddenly and for a while afterwards I would think I saw her walking down the street. I found an exam paper of hers the other day and it really caught my off guard, 15 years later.

I am so sorry to hear that @Bobbybobbins, it's so lovely to hear much you cared for your student. It's so hard when grief confronts us out of the blue.

@verrrysadd , you have every 'right' to feel as sad as you do. Grief is so complex and you truly sound so kind. I wish you gentle days ahead.

You do have a right to be sad and its natural that you would be. I work in a service for adults where sadly deaths happen often. Its important to be able to accept that feeling sad about it is normal, you had a connection with them. Its also important to be able to talk about it to help process your feelings. I agree with the previous poster who suggested finding colleagues to talk to (who may well feel the same way as you).

I work in a complex needs school and very sadly have lost more than one pupil and it never gets easier

You are absolutely entitled to your feelings and I would be more worried if it didn't effect you

Talk about her, say her name in your classroom, model to the children that it's ok to be upset, but it's also ok to smile and remember her fondly

If you are part of a MAT they often have support services, if you are a local authority school the LA will have bereavement services -for you and the children
Please speak to your head teacher about accessing them

I’m so very sorry for your loss - you write really beautifully about her.

Firstly, I would say it is totally understandable to be feeling the way you are. A 6 year old dying is a devastating thing, and as a teacher you spend so much time and have such an intense relationship with your students. Of course your grief doesn’t compare to that of her parents, but it is still massive, beyond what many people will experience in their lifetime.

I work in a field where I sadly see children die, and I often feel devastated afterwards, and sometimes still sad years later. I have nowhere near the relationship with the children I care for that their teachers do. The feelings of guilt about your own healthy children are so common, utterly horrible but you are not alone.

The charity ‘child bereavement uk’ provide support to schools after the death of a pupil. I would also talk to your colleagues if you feel able - it is unlikely you are the only person feeling like this, and there can be comfort in numbers.

thinking of you in this horrible time x

It is perfectly normal and natural to think of her.
I still think of a little girl in my school who died about 25 years ago.

I second the fact you should be able to get support from your LA (not sure what happens in academies).

I also think continuing to talk about her in class with the other dc will be helpful - for you and your other pupils - but your HT needs to involve the EP for support and advice.

It is hard. I am glad you were able to go to the funeral.
Be kind to yourself

Thankyou so very much for such kind messages ❤️ will definitely take these on board and seek support

I am so sad you have had a student die. I am an old paediatric nurse (as my name suggests) I have never forgotten my first experience of a child’s death. I will never forget her and many other beautiful children who sadly died. You will never forget her and it shows what a caring teacher you are, take care.

❤️❤️

Are you able to honour her in anyway OP? Perhaps a planted tree in a garden or a plaque at school? You are an incredibly caring teacher and your feelings are very valid, please don't feel like you don't have a right to be sad..I'm sure she loved you being her teacher x

It is devastating to lose a child you've taught. I've lost several (mostly as young adults) and it always hurts.

I remember how bright and full of promise they were. I've lost 18 yo lads to drug overdoses and car accidents and been really upset. I think a lot of students would be surprised to know how much teachers do care about them.

I'm really sorry, @verrrysadd

It's just devastating isn't it.

I can't stop thinking about her, and how quiet the classroom is now. I can't remove her photo from my photo register/name chart so I've just popped a rainbow over her for now.

She caused so much chaos, she was an absolute whirlwind and a real handful but I laughed and laughed every day at her antics 😞 she was so full of fun