I just need somewhere to put this I think. I’m 27 and struggling to navigate things at the moment.
my mum was my sisters carer and hadn’t been quite right for a while. She was only 57 but lots of toilet issues and high bp. It turns out in the last few months my 24 year old sister with learning disabilities was doing a lot of the care for my mum. She’d go out and do her shopping and fetch her her medication as she was on the toilet for 6 hours a day.
my mum and me often had a strained relationship growing up but once I had my son things were a lot better but I’ll admit I didn’t always answer her messages or calls straight away and feel huge guilt around this. My mum also had a mild learning disability and some mental health issues growing up with a lot of ocd traits and we just seemed to clash when I was younger.
I knew she didn’t have a lot of money but I really didn’t realise just how bad the situation was, nor did she tell me. Last week my sister phoned thinking my mum had a stroke and because of her vulnerabilities was asking what to do but had already rang an ambulance. Upon my mum getting to hospital it was discovered she’d had a massive bleed on the brain that they said wasn’t operable and to prepare for the worst. She was placed into an induced coma in intensive care but when they tried reducing sedation she had a seizure. I’ve been very practical through the full thing as I’m a nurse and knew with the outlook she’d have no quality of life.
throigh the full thing her abusive brother has made it hell, arguing that he should be nok constantly as he was her brother and drove unlike me, but he was constantly told that as my mum was divorced, I was her nok as oldest child. Agreeing to withdraw life support was the hardest decision of my life even though I didn’t make that alone, the doctors did. Constantly saying things in front of my sister like ‘if she didn’t have this sedation she’d open her eyes’
my mum stayed breathing on her own despite being unresponsive and we managed to get her to a hospice where I live rather than her being an hour and a half away. My uncle got kicked out of the hospice for his continuous arguing with medical staff and inappropriate comments in front of me and my sister. My only comfort is that she was there 4 days where we got to make beautiful memories and keepsakes with my mum and I stayed by her side day and night until she passed away with me singing Abba to her. God knows what she’d have thought!
im just really struggling now navigating everything. I’ve now seen texts on my mums phone at how much hell and stress he put her through despite acting like doting brother at her bedside. I’ve taken in my disabled sister even though I only have a 2 bed council house so social services are going to help with some sheltered accommodation for her nearby. My mum and sister weren’t from my county but I’m all my sister has now as she hasn’t had contact with our dad for around 15 years. My mum lives in a councik house too so I have that to sort, I’m a single mum to an 8 year old, I also have her funeral to sort but she has no estate whatsoever. I have however found a pension scheme that it seems was set up for my mums future by a deceased relative so I’m hoping this will go towards the cost, as well as the government funeral grant which I believe I could be entitled to as my mum was divorced and me and her both receive some benefits. I receive universal credit and housing element despite being a nurse as I only work part time due to my son.
I will always be there for my sister but feel like a mum again and don’t mind that but it’s really hard navigating both our grief with so much to sort out. In the hospice they said I need a cape. I have so much guilt that I didn’t answer the phone to my mum a week ago and I was meant to call her back but didn’t as I was tired after a night shift and forgot. I wasn’t always very responsive when she messaged me due to my own life but I also didn’t realise how bad her situation was as she didn’t tell me. When I went back to her house to collect birth certificates, she’d been living like a hoarder with my sister, mould everywhere and my mum was sleeping on physically ripped bedsheets and my sister on a broken bed. My mum was exactly that type of mum, she always went without and wore tatty clothes to make sure we didn’t and I just hope she knew I really did love her and would have been there more if I’d known. My friends said all that matters is I was there day and night when she died but I guess grief makes it hard to see it that way. I feel like over the years I did take having a mum for granted and now there’s nothing I can do to show her how much I did love her other than sorting out all the practical side of things and her affairs ☹️