Should I feel guilty for wanting/needing more time off work?

[Firelighter9]

One of my parents died a month ago. I took 2 weeks off, then returned to work, managed a few days but felt absolutely awful, so took another week.

I just feel exhausted, can’t focus, no motivation, totally preoccupied.

its not just the death itself - which was very traumatic, but family conflict that has ensued since. I am naturally a very sensitive person anyway and I feel so stressed by it all.

I feel guilty taking more time even though I think it’s the right thing for me. I also feel guilty the days I’ve “worked” where I’ve not really achieved anything. Feel like I can’t win!

I worry people will think “it’s been a month time to get on with it” but I’m just finding that very difficult. And work hasn’t been a helpful distraction for me like it is for some people

No, of course you shouldn’t feel guilty.
If people think that you’re being unreasonable then fuck them.

Senior HR professional here. Take as long as you need. Honestly.

I’ve known people need 6 months to be able to function at work. There’s no rule book.

Does your employer have an employee assistance scheme that offers counselling?

I don’t know what’s ‘normal’ but my boss took 6 months off sick when her dad died. She wasn’t coping at all.
I haven’t lost a parent so I can’t say what I’d need.
Sorry for your loss 💐
I think it will be a case of seeing how you feel. Everyone has different relationships with their parents and their deaths will have different levels of impact, I don’t think you can really measure this against what anyone else has done.

Please do what you need to do for your own well-being. I'm so sorry for your loss and it sounds like some of the attendant fallout is draining you at a time you're already at a low ebb, and I don't think forcing yourself to keep functioning is healthy. Can the GP sign you off sick for a while, and could you maybe access some bereavement counselling for support?
Take care of yourself OP.

No, don’t feel guilty. Bereavement is one of those life events that can take its toll, mentally and physically. I think it can be a long road to getting back to any resemblance of normal.

Be kind to yourself, but also understand that there might not be a time where you suddenly feel like everything is back to how it was previously. So focus on the immediate things, getting good quality sleep, getting outside every day, making sure you’re eating well and not relying on alcohol to numb things. Talking if it helps you. The sadness can persist, but it’s a lot easier to handle if you’ve made your overall health a priority.

The only thing I would advise from a work perspective is to be mindful that it’s much better on your record to have one long absence than multiple brief absences. Now that you’ve returned, and found it was too soon for you, make sure you prioritise getting things to a stable place for you, that you don’t rush back in and need to take more time later.

Take what you need op, you won’t get any thanks for pushing through and you need to put yourself first!!! You need to allow yourself to grieve. It’s not a thing that you will be constantly off so don’t feel bad at all.

I went back too early (policy of 6 days), and while I struggled, it was at the anniversary I hit a wall and became suicidal.

I took far more time off for doing what I thought was "proper" rather than what was needed. Not a mistake I'd want for anyone else - take the time you need.

Grief is a long process, and you need to be kind to yourself throughout.

I think everyone is different, so there shouldn't be hard and fast rules.

When my dad died I took 2 days off, which was all I needed. I loved my dad very much, but his death was expected and I also needed to keep busy afterwards. Not going into work would have been the wrong thing for me. However, I was judged my colleagues for that.

One of my colleagues took two months off after her mum died. That's what she needed, and that was fine.

Don't feel guilty but alternatively don't feel bad about being in work but your mind being elsewhere and not giving 100%. Most employers would expect people in your circumstances to have other things on their mind and even doing related admin, taking phone calls etc. work out if you would be better at home or if being in the office doing some work is better for you

Dp didn't take time off but he was arranging things from his work desk and I was doing a few bits at work to.

Speak to your boss. Do you feel better "working" even if it's not your normal standard? Or do you need more time off?

I’ve contacted the GP but they can’t offer an appt to speak to GP about being signed off for over 2 weeks - although the receptionist advised in the circumstances she thought the GP would definitely agree and backdate. Leaves me feeling a bit uneasy though - more anxiety!

No I feel terrible when I’m technically working and I’m not actually managing much work and then feel guilty

I’m sorry for your loss. My dad died very recently too and I’m on half term this week so that has helped. I’m going back to work straight after because I suppose I’m the opposite and find it better to be in a place where my attention is totally absorbed but think everyone’s different. I also have family conflict and to be honest just want the funeral over with as quickly as possible so I no longer have to interact with my dad’s side of the family. I have quite mixed emotions about it and would rather process it on my own or with friends rather than be with family.

it’s actually having to be around family most of whom I’ve tried to detach myself from for the last 20 years that’s been difficult - if I could have just done it on my own or with friends who knew me it would be easier.

I think most workplaces are quite sympathetic and do understand if you need more time.

It’s also different because I really like my current class and actually being around them will probably help me.

That sounds like the receptionist was trying to give you as much reassurance as she could without overstepping her job and speaking on behalf of the GP, which she cannot do. So I would just go ahead and see the GP and not read anything into that. If your GP is a good one they will see that you need this and I doubt there'd be a problem. You sound like apart from anything else you need a rest, you sound really stressed as well as grieving.
Do you want to use this space to unpack any of what's going on in the family dynamic? Obviously don't if you don't want to, just an idea.

Im sorry for your loss, as pp have said there is no rule book for grieving. if you need the time, take it, but just think is it really achieving anything?

When my dad died I took a week as I couldn’t afford more sick leave and my team were desperately short staffed so I felt I needed to be there - I found being back in the “normal” environment of work was in some ways a useful distraction- I learned to switched off the grief for those hours of the day and got on with things. No, I wasn’t perfectly functional, but work was kind and supportive and it helped me to compartmentalise and actually gave me some emotional respite. I honestly cannot see how being submerged in the misery and anger and guilt of grief for over a month would have done anything except made me feel like a hollowed out emotional wreck - and importantly the family members I was supporting felt the same, and so let the grief unravel more gently over time. The death itself felt like a tidal wave had broken over us; we wanted those flood waters to subside before addressing all the aspects of grief and the loss of someone important in our family.

When my mum died very suddenly, I had just started a new job and couldn’t take more than two days off. I also had two small children who were incredibly affected so I couldn’t fall apart. I had to push through but it was a very difficult thing as dealing with all the admin of a death in lunchtime at work is not ideal. However overall I think I recovered faster, perhaps because I didn’t let the grief become the only thing in my life?

I am not saying there’s a right way of doing this, just offering other perspectives.

Can you afford to pay for some grief counselling?

Call GP and say you feel you are in MH crisis and need ADs as you cannot function? See if you can improve on that two week timeline.

Also if your MH was bad before the bereavement, it will be harder to cope with the grieving process.