Not coping with first birthday since my sister died

[ncc183658264827482]

My sister died last year and it would have been her birthday this week. I thought Christmas was going to be the toughest "first" but this feels so much worse. Have spent the last few weeks dropping the ball at work because I feel so sad and hopeless that I keep forgetting things.

I don't have any support and I feel so guilty that I'm here when she's not. She was a better more deserving person than me. The world would be so much better if I had died instead. I can't stop thinking about all the reasons why I should be dead instead of her.

When I was looking online for advice about how to cope with birthdays after bereavement everything seems to be about "celebrating" and doing happy things. I don't want to "celebrate". I want her to not be dead. I hate the world.

Just posting because I feel alone. I know nobody can make this okay for me. Trying and failing to pull myself together.

So sorry to hear of your loss OP. I've lost both my best friend and my dad in recent years. Both were suffering hugely and death brought them peace and relief from pain. I'm not too good with grief and my own way of coping was to go via my GP and I'm now on Sertraline, which has been a game changer for me.
Don't celebrate her birthday if you don't feel like it. Spend time alone with your thoughts, write a poem, look through photos, or do something entirely different or something you enjoy, that may take your mind off it. Keeping busy helps me-I'm at my worst when my mind is not occupied.

I'm sorry for the loss of your sister. You're right of course, it's so hard to carry on. It's there anyone who might understand how you feel, maybe a close friend of your sister? Sometimes just sharing, no matter how much it hurts, helps in the long run. I thoroughly recommend a specialist grief therapist, you sound lovely and just so snowed under with grief and misplaced guilt. Please, reach out to someone and if you can't, I am here to listen. I'm sure there will be so many of us sadly, who get it.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your lovely sister.

I am some years further down the line than you, but when I lost my teenage sibling the “firsts” were incredibly difficult, especially what would have been their birthday.

Please be gentle with yourself, there is no right or wrong way to feel. Do you have any support in real life?

I'm so sorry OP. I lost my sister recently too. It's so hard. What is helping me is to think about what my sister would have wanted for my life. I know she'd want me to live. So that's what I try to do. Some days that is harder to do than others. Can you access any support, grief counselling? Do you have a colleague assistance programme at work, that often includes support with bereavement.

Losing a sibling young is a horrible horrible club to be a member of. But you are not alone, and you don't have to cope with it alone if that's not working for you.

You are grieving your lovely sister and of course on her birthday you will feel her loss so keenly as you had hoped to share so many more birthdays with her. Be very gentle with yourself - grief is so very hard, lonely and individual and you are only at the start of this sad journey, please don’t think you are being anything other than very very brave. Xx

Thank you for such kind replies. I'm so sorry for your losses and that you've experienced this too, it's horrible. I don't really have any real life support and I don't feel I can face talking to a grief counsellor, the prospect of trying to talk to or trust a stranger feels even more sad and lonely somehow.

When she was alive, it used to give me some peace knowing that she was happy and settled in her life. I still can't get over how unfair it is that her life has been taken away from her. She was a good person.

It's so disorientating watching the world carry on like she was never here. It makes me feel like I'm going crazy sometimes that I'm struggling when the world has carried on.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My sister died in 2014 aged 31 - the first birthday without her was definitely the worst of the 'firsts', although they were all awful. I feel so sad and angry that she was robbed of so much and even now I still can't quite believe that it is real.

I don't have any advice, I really struggled with the shock and grief for at least two years, and made a mess of things really. But now I am happy, even though I will miss her forever. There is hope for the future but no easy way to get there. Keep talking x

Would you like to tell us about her?

@ncc183658264827482 I am so sorry for your loss. My sister died 4 years ago and I've just marked her 4th birthday not here. Birthdays are peculiarly difficult for me too. Hers and mine. I can't stand "celebrating" mine any more. I usually mark hers in a remembrance way. I find it unbearable sad though. Another reminder of her not being here. Do you know about Sibling Support? It is a charity for bereaved siblings. I have found them very helpful.

Losing a sibling is such a particular kind of grief, I lost my brother last June, it still feels unbelievable, like it didn’t actually happen. It’s impossible to imagine not seeing him again, that’s just too painful to contemplate.

I have no advice, just empathy. I’ve been a mess.

OP I'm so sorry, and I understand. I lost my brother, completely unexpectedly, late last year. All I can say is, don't feel bad for feeling bad and struggling. Why wouldn't you be? You are bereaved and heartbroken.

@MissyB1 I had to double-check that I hadn't written your post and then forgotten. Just exactly that.

It’s awful op. You see things in the shops you would have bought them as a gift and forget for a moment they have passed away . I agree with the posters that say don’t feel bad for feeling bad. I don’t think it gets easier you just learn to manage better.

@ncc183658264827482 sorry for your loss.

I'm not sure it's hugely helpful but just to say you aren't alone the early 'first' firsts are bad but as shock wears off it can become harder.

I wanted to say that I found the second year worse (Death of mother) much harder in some ways. I think its because the first year also has a lot of shock involved.

I posted this thread about feeling similar about the death of my mother and there ws some comforting advice there which may have echos of resonance for you.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4964409-second-christmas-after-losing-mother-is-even-worse-anyone-else-feeling-this