What should I write?

[Tigerlion]

I have just heard that a friend's 3 year old DS died in his sleep. I want to write a letter to her at what must be such a devastating time. Each time that I bring pen to paper I am lost as to what to write as it is such a difficult loss to imagine and I am so sad for her. Any ideas as to what I can write?

So sorry to hear that

Could you find a suitable poem ?

I think you should write as you feel at times like this. I'd keep it short though.

Dear X

I am really at a complete loss as to what to write as I know nothing I say will take away the pain you are feeling right now. However, I want you to know that I am thinking of you and your family and dear sweet CHILD.

I am here any minute of the day or night, and will do anything I can to help you through this awful time - you only have to ask.

Love Tiger

soapbox thats just so..............spot on not gushy not OTT just apt ,isnt it awful losing wee one like that

do not ever include a poem

yes something from the heart

say where you heard the news
include a memory of the child if you can
offer actual help rather than 'ask if you want', no bereaved person will 'ask' .. if there is anything you can think of doing .. childcare?, shopping?, cooking? then offer that if you want to

remember that these letters are kept to be re-read in many instances

what soapy says is excellent, you can't go wrong with just saying you don't know what to say because nobody expects you to be able to.
In a similar situation (and if you knew the child fairly well) I added my own little list of favourite memories e.g. I will always remember X hiding under the washing basket while we were playing hide and seek and giggling all over his little face. I was later told that this had 'helped' as they were able to remember some good times and know that somebody other than them loved and appreciated their child's life.
So sad for your friend.
By the way, she may not reply or even make reference to the letter for years but she will appreciate it. Mine said the worst thing was when people said or wrote nothing.

Agree about including an actual memory. I had a lot of letters after my father died, and didn't really register what any of them said (it was very sudden, although obviously not in the same league as this). But some months and again years later, it's been really nice to have other people's memories and impressions.

So just something like "We really enjoyed that lovely afternoon in the park last October when X happened and the children all played with Y...etc" - something the mother may have forgotten about but will prompt happy memories for her in the future.

similar to aoapbox

sorry to hear about your sad news.
please don't hesitate to call anytime if i can help

most of all something sincere. do a follow up card/call check how they are doing

in the initial period after losing a child you are swamped, but it is nice to know after a while people still care

The memory issue is very important - how many in your friend's circle did you know? It doesnt exactly answer your OP but you could get together with them and start a memory book. Also offer the opportunity for her to talk and you to just listen if she wants.

look around winstonswish too

you can learn a lot about th kinds of things that can help in a bereavement from sites like these

www.winstonswish.org.uk/

How awful. I think the advice you've been given is spot on. Definitely include a memory, something personal. DON'T include a poem - you may feel a poem echoes how you feel, but I think it could seem very sentimental and a bit 'fasle'. What your friend will want to hear, both now and in months/years to come, is that you remember her child, an individual, so your own words are the most valuable thing.
And yes, be specific about support, because it can be hard to accept a general offer. eg 'I can come over in the evenings if you need me', 'I can cook for you at the weekend' etc

*false

I agree with everyone about what to write (non-gushy, from the heart etc) but speaking personally I received a bereavement card after my Mum died which had a quotation/ verse from Roald Dahl inside which was beautiful and I did appreciate it as it summed up Mum in every way and meant a lot to me (still does).

I think it is wonderful of you to write - it means so much even though it is hard and awkward and strange it means so much. As does speaking about him and mentioning it when you see her.

Oh god

How horribly awful.

Thanks so much for your inspiration. It had to be one of the hardest letters that I have written but I am so happy that I let her know that we were thinking of her and her family and was happy to do anything of help.