Living with the loneliness

[PersephonePomegranate23]

Hi,

I'm just wondering whether there's anyone else who has lived or is living through this and can relate? It's a little under a year and a half since my long-term DP died, leaving me and our young daughter behind.

I felt like I coped quite well in the first year, rode out all the emotions, didn't shy away from them, got my life back on track and settled into a new routine. Now the loneliness has come around again, seemingly out of the blue and it's hit me like a brick. I can't really date with my daughter being so young and I really have no desire to de-rail our lives either, especially not hers, but I am so, so lonely 😔. I have wonderful friends and family - I couldn't wish for a better support group an being busy helps, but at the end of the day I miss having my person.

Anyone else?

Hello,

I'm so sorry for your loss - I'm also really impressed with how you've coped since.

Totally understandable you don't want to derail the precious stability you have with your daughter. You are probably protecting yourself now you're number one for her.

I can relate to the loneliness massively. I lost my mum before Xmas. It was a complicated relationship which meant I'd felt all sorts of grief about my mother pretty much all my adult life. I am divorced with two kids and that was so traumatic I haven't had space to work on getting another relationship. Not having "your person" is really hard when life throws up anything tough and also when the good stuff comes; you want to share that with a special person.

I have found that friendships are a wonderful thing. It's really good to focus on the meaningful connections you do have in your life and also realise that, ultimately, we are alone and loneliness is part of our human experience. It doesn't make it easier but perhaps it can be soothing to know that no matter how alone you feel, there are others sharing this experience with you.

Hi @PersephonePomegranate23 , I’m living through this now 😕
Only a couple of months for me, and initially felt relief when DP died as he was suffering.
im now feeling very empty, and lonely, even when surrounded by friends and family. It’s hard to find people who can relate x

Another one here, my DH died 18 months ago, leaving me with 3 children (adults) with Down Syndrome all adopted. I, like you ?coped at first and now I am so lonely and stressed. I have brilliant friends but not having someone to talk to in the evenings about things rips me up. I am grateful I have my three they make me get on with life, and I have a purpose in life but it so hard.
Am considerably older than you but it still hurts so much now. Keep going and my thoughts are with you.

I’ve spent the last few years caring for DH and my world has become very small. It’s amazing how serious health issues scare people away or people stop bothering because you are unable to meet.
He has recently died and I have been contacted by so many people, some I have never met, saying how he will be missed, what a good bloke he was etc etc. Where were they all when he needed to hear that over the last few years and horrendous last months?!

I now have nobody really. Adult DC who, although at home, mostly live their own lives and I can’t expect them to sit with me each evening.

@Hardtimesnow I’m in the ‘relief’ he is no longer suffering stage.
Tbh though, I almost feel I lost my DH months ago, as the poor frail man I was caring for at the end wasn’t anything like the man I’d spent the last 28 years with. I don’t have people I can be with really so the loneliness is already hitting me.

14 months for me and I'm experiencing all of this. DH's illness started during COVID so although he was relatively well at that point, we cut down on social contacts to protect him. By the time things opened up again he was very frail and unable to do anything much. Caring for him was pretty much my full time job, so there was a long time when we both lived in a very small world indeed.

I was and am still angry at the people who weren't there for him, and the memory of him asking sadly 'why don't they come ' about some of his children still breaks me. However I'm taking the view that if that's the sort of people they are, why would I want them in my life now?

My grief counsellor asked 'how do you want to show up for the rest of your life' and that really helped me to see myself as a person with choices and a future. I don't particularly like the choices I have and I can't see the future but I'm looking at this as a transitional time when I can experiment with things to see whether there might be a glimmer of hope inside them somewhere.

I did a regular gratitude practice for a while and although it felt horribly artificial at first, I can see it's helped me move from a world where just the two of us were everything to each other, to a world where I'm connected with many many more people, albeit more loosely. Like being part of a spider's web instead of at one end of a steel rope. Who knows, that may turn out to be enough. I still hate the long evenings and solo meals though.