My son is 16. His father passed away almost 2 years ago following a long illness. His diagnosis wasn't what ended his life, but a curveball from the medication which was helping protect him from COVID.
A little back ground info: My son has always had little quirks and personality traits that made his Dad and I wonder if he might have Autism/Aspergers, but nothing soo prevenant that we rushed to seek help. From being a baby he has hated change of routines, meeting and socialising and has quite an interesting take on life. Again, nothing outrageous, but notably a tad different to his peers. I am an older mum (49) and have always been quite shy and prefer to stay out of the spotlight. My son's Dad was the total opposite of me and was totally happy in the spotlight and was the life and soul of the party, A true tale of opposites attracting.
My son met all of his milestones and had good grades in school, though absolutely abhorred reading, he did well in his SATS and was in the top set. In secondary school for the first 3 years he did well and was getting good grades. His social circle was small, and mostly would contact his friends online/text, and didn't like to go out. He was never a child to talk about feelings, though acknowledged love and knows he is loved and we feel his love back. He is truly loved by h is siblings and me, and was adored by his Dad.
When his Dad died, he seemed to feel he had to become the man of the house, and thus seemed to withdraw from his grief and loss and lock it away. I have spoken with him on numerous occasions about having someone to talk to,like I have had, as has his 2 siblings but the refuses, saying he is ok. I have spoken with his school who have offered support in a variety of forms and have been very supportive of us as family and him as a young man.
I have tried over the last year+ to get him to talk about his Dad, his future and his life wishes. He tells me he doesnt think about things. When I delve deeper, he is unable to explain how he feels, saying he doesn't feel. When I try and understand what he want's from life,what he wants to do with his life, he tells me ' He doesn't know, nothing is fun, or he can't be bothered. 'He can't talk about his Dad and becomes tearful when others do. I know he is hurting and afraid to feel the pain. I don't know how to help him through this. He continues to refuse to talk to anyone about his Dad, or his loss, not even me or his friends/teachers or a counsellor.
I have tried multiple ways of engaging with him, tried talking to him about how he feels in the world, and how he processes things, talked around and directly addressed autism/neuro divergence and diversity and he doesn't want to talk about it and gets annoyed. I have talked to him about grief, depression and feeling lost - he knows I have experienced these,and he says he isn't depressed.
When he gets scared, he gets frustrated which leads to him becoming hostile. Only to me, I guess I am his safe space and knows I will love him however.
He is on the cusp of finishing school with no desire to stay on in 6th form, or go to college.He will do an apprenticeship, but can't decide what he wants to do.
I don't know what to do. I want him, and have given him autonomy over this decisions, but am fearful that he is sinking further into his grief without being about to find a way out. Should I speak with his GP about my concerns, he wouldn't give me permission to do this, and I feel not ok about going behind his back, but I am still his Mum and can't just sit by and watch him get lost in the mire.
I have asked him if he feels depressed, he said he doesn't. HE doesn't feel anything. I tried to talk about how that is a symptom of depression, he shut me down. I have asked him if he is self harming or wanting to end his life, he said he isn't and doesn't.
I don't know if there is an element of ASD combined with grief, or if this grief and loss and puberty. I don't want to fail him and not get him the help, I feel he needs.