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They didn’t tell me my aunt had died

8 replies

Coastallifeisbest · 04/02/2024 17:28

My mother died when I was a few months old. I was brought up in an unhappy abusive home by my father and stepmother. Ten years ago I traced my mother’s sister and met her and her husband. They were lovely, very welcoming. I saw them a couple of times a year when we would go for meals together and we kept in touch by text messages and emails too. My auntie introduced me to her adult child and she was very cold. She very obviously didn’t want to have a relationship with me, which I respected and didn’t pursue.

I remained in contact with my auntie and her husband and saw them regularly. I’ve just found out completely by accident that my auntie died in early January. The funeral has been and gone.

It really stings that they either didn’t see fit to tell me that my auntie had died, or consciously decided not to tell me. She was the only living link to my mother. I’m really gutted but not sure whether I was expecting too much. I don’t feel I was but would appreciate some objective views. Please be kind, my mental health is not great at the moment.

OP posts:
bluebird3 · 04/02/2024 18:02

I'm sorry for your loss OP. I think it's really awful they didn't tell you. Did they not have your contact details? Even if not I would have thought they could have tracked you down. I can only think they were grieving and it was a thoughtless oversight. Still very hurtful to you. Perhaps you can take a friend/partner to the grave and say a few words and leave some flowers as a goodbye. I'm sure your auntie valued your relationship as you were also what she had left of her sister.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/02/2024 18:05

It's very sad - but it was the decision of her widower and daughter.

Coastallifeisbest · 04/02/2024 18:07

@bluebird3 yes they have my contact details. That’s why I can’t understand why they couldn’t send a quick message.

OP posts:
NotMyDayJob · 04/02/2024 18:36

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/02/2024 18:05

It's very sad - but it was the decision of her widower and daughter.

Unless there is a massive back story, it was a very thoughtless decision.

Sorry for your losses OP - your aunt and your mum

Daffodilsandsunshine · 05/02/2024 17:56

Maybe give them the benefit of the doubt. I couldn't find my late DMs address book when she died and so there were some friends (not local) that I couldnt invite to her funeral. I didn't find it until way after the funeral. Maybe that's happened here?

I'd send them a sympathy card and express your condolences and say how good it felt to meet her and have connection to your own DM. See if they respond. Your relationship connection was mostly with your aunt so it may feel difficult for them to continue it without her.

Daffodilsandsunshine · 05/02/2024 18:00

They also might not have access to her phone contacts?
Losing my DMs address book made me realise I have everything locked in my own phone (no separate address book) so without my thumbprint if anything happened to me not sure how DH would track down all my friends to let them know.

Mariposistaaa · 06/02/2024 11:06

This is unkind and extremely selfish. The daughter (technically your cousin) obviously felt threatened by you. I get grief does weird things, but this is unacceptable.
I am so sorry for your loss and I hope you can grieve your aunt in your own way.

Saz12 · 07/02/2024 14:13

Very upsetting for you, sorry for your loss.

Could it be that your cousin was tasked with getting in touch with the family, and either chose not to contact you or it didnt occur because she only met you the once and her parents didnt talk to her about you thereafter?

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