My mum died, what happens to my dad?

[december2020]

My mum died today.
I'm still numb and in disbelief and very much in shock.

She wasn't young, but she wasn't old and didn't have any health issues. I had literally spoken to her today, general chat, and she was fine.
The grief comes in waves, I can't stop the tears from streaming and my rational brain is trying to cope with it by trying to think practically.

My parents live abroad and my dad is a very difficult soul but he also has health issues like stoma bags that he'll struggle to change himself. Let alone trying to pay bills online etc. I don't think he's even realised the paperwork and organisation that goes into a funeral.

I can't even process what this will mean for him.
If I got him a carer abroad, he's going to be so lonely alone in a different country. But I know I cannot become his carer either.
Would we have to consider uprooting and moving abroad to be close by for him? My husband can't speak the language, and what happens to our house?

Of course it absolutely also rests on what DF wants to do but my head is absolutely spinning.

Please help me see some clarity amid the grief.
I feel like because he can't do any of this stuff, it's all on my shoulders to figure out and get sorted.

I’m sorry for your loss, must be such a shock.

Is there an equivalent of social services in his country you could call for advice about how he could be supported?

oh my Lordy, I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through right now. Can you get to your dad for now at least so that you can give each other comfort? You don't need to rush into anything else right now and understandably you are all over the place and probably won't be able to make sensible rational decisions.

OP, what a terrible shock for you.
It absolutely isn't the time to be making big decisions.
If your dad needs a carer then get him one for the moment.
Then allow yourself some time and space to grieve.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mum.
Forgive me asking questions, but I think advice might vary depending on why DF is living abroad, whether he has any family there, whether he has friends or any support.
I wonder if you can get him into some kind of care home near you? Or sheltered housing? Depends how much help he'll need, but if you are unable to be a fulltime carer ( not suggesting that you should), he might be better off somewhere where he has some company as well as nursing care.
I think it's unrealistic for you uproot your family and go to a country where DH can't speak the language and presumably won't be able to work.
But you might well need to travel out to wherever he is to sort things out for the immediate future.

I'm so sorry for your loss december2020 💐 Such a terrible shock for you.

It's an enormous emotional gut punch to be bereaved. I remember feeling physically stunned by the impact of the blow. Losing a loved one tips you into an alternative dimension where sadness is literally heavy, and your focus madly veers from microscopic to telescopic, and back. It is a surreal experience, especially in the early days.

You are posing yourself a lot of questions about the future that need neither be asked nor answered right now.

You don't need to worry about uprooting your DH and children. That does not have to happen, there will be other potential solutions to DF's problems, and they will be sought and found in due course.

Try not to worry about the future too far ahead, there will be plenty of time to make all these decisions.

Thinking of you 💐

Could DF be nursed at home or in a care setting in the country he and DM called home? Would finances etc allow?

Sorry for your loss.
This doesn't have to be decided today. Just take each day as it comes.

Firstly, I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. It must have been a massive shock.
I'm in a similar position where my dad died last Easter and his wife has been left alone abroad. The best advice I can give you right now is don't make any big decisions at all. You first have to let yourselves get over the shock and grieve. You're in no position to decide about moving yourself or moving him. I'd try and organise him some local carers who should be able to go in a few times per day to get him fed, washed and keep on top of the house. Maybe take a trip there if you can to get that organised then come home to grieve, knowing his basic care is sorted.

Take some time to process your grief first OP. Xx

I'm so sorry OP. What am awful shock. I agree don't make any decisions today or at least for a few weeks. You need to discuss things with your dad once you've both had time to process this news.
My parents live far away and I've often thought about what would happen if my mum died first. My dad simply couldn't cope alone (mid-80s, multiple health problems). The only possible solution I can think of is for him to move close to me, maybe a care home. The solution might be different for you but first you need to come to terms with your loss.

This.

So sorry for your loss.

Thank you so much everyone! Really thank you! Reading all your comments have helped me so much more than you can imagine!

To answer some questions (hopefully I've captured them all):

He lives in an EU country, so with the added Brexit - having him move here may be hard (especially if he needs his ongoing medical care, I haven't looked into it properly but uprooting him may also not be what he wants, he knows nobody here except for us.

I'll definitely check what options there are with social services and benefits for him in his home country.

We are due to see my dad in weeks time but I am playing it by ear to see if we (or I) can get there earlier for him. Thankfully he has a neighbour who has very kindly helped him yesterday, so he's not totally alone.

Yes all his family and friends are in his country, so uprooting him may not be the right decision at all.

@LauderSyme - you capture the feeling of grief so perfectly! I'm so sorry for your loss!
@TeeBee I'm so sorry for your loss!

You all are absolutely right - him and I need the time and space to grieve before making any big decisions.
It feels like getting him a carer in his country feels like the logical option but he'd be so lonely as I don't think friends and family would be able to visit multiple times during a week. I feel so sad for him just pottering about alone each day as the loneliness sinks in.

@december2020 so sorry for your sudden loss

Could you look into retirement living accommodation for your dad? It would be easier for him to cope in terms of practical things, and there would be other people around to help with the loneliness aspect.

It sounds like if you can get there sooner than next week, that would be best, but you mustn't beat yourself up if you can't. Is he tech savvy at all? Can you speak or video chat as much as possible? That and a daily carer til you can get there might be your best option, perhaps to help change his bag and organise some shopping/ready meals/takeaways etc. I'm sure just knowing you're coming at all is a huge comfort to him.