Nightmares since funeral

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My brother took his own life in early January, he'd been struggling with depression for years, he was 35. It was very planned (left notes, cleaned house)

I was next of kin due to complicated family situation, so I've been in full sorting/arranging mode.

The funeral was last week and since then my mood has crashed. I keep having nightmares, picturing his last moments, his body, what he went through. I was the one dealing with the police, the coroner, the funeral. I had to call my dad and tell him his son was dead, the way he cried and screamed plays through my head.

I'm hoping it's just a delayed response, but this is the worse I've felt since the day it happened.

Just needed to write it down and tell someone

I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been through and also for the pain your brother must have been feeling. I believe it’s very common for this to happen. In the immediate aftermath of a death you’re very much preoccupied by the admin but now reality is sadly hitting. Do you have someone in real life who is supporting you. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself love and time.

I am so sorry for your loss. Now that the funeral is over you have time to be calm and grieve. It is normal for your grief to get worse at this point. Do you have anybody to talk to? Professional help might do you good under the circumstances.

That is so sad. I'm so, so sorry for you and your family. You poor brother. It sounds like you've taken on a huge amount of work and you shouldn't be surprised that you are finding things difficult.

Have you had people around to support you?
It's still very early days but if you feel like it might be helpful you could contact a councillor or you could contact one of the charities that help support people who have had loved ones commit suicide. ( SOBS etc)

As others have said, it's normal to be hit by a fresh wave of grief after the funeral. It's probably the first chance your brain has had to really process what's happened. I hope that you have people around you who will listen whilst you talk through your feelings. You might also want to try journalling, or even writing a letter to your brother (this might sound a bit weird, but it can be a really good way of working through your feelings). Above all, always try to do something nice for yourself each day - whether it's cooking a favourite meal (as simple or complicated as you want to), going for a walk or doing a face mask.

You've probably been getting through on autopilot. Now the funeral is over, you have time to process your brother's death. It will take time to come to terms with. Can you get some counselling to help you work through your feelings? If you need to take a few days off from work.