Should I go to my step mother’s funeral

[lizdanvers]

My step mother died this week. I feel totally conflicted. Her and my father were very physically and emotionally abusive throughout our childhood. The emotional abuse continued as we became adults. I was estranged from her and my father since 2006 due to their behaviour. I felt unable to move on from how they behaved and pulled away from them.

I don’t know whether I should attend her funeral or whether it would be ok to miss it. She was a cold unfeeling stepmother since I was three. I’m in my fifties now.

I don’t want to see my father either. Does it make me a horrible person if I don’t go.

No it doesn't. As they sowed so shall they reap . Are you more worried about what other people think ? Or how they will treat you ? Think of yourself O/P .

Doesn’t sound like you would gain anything by going. Unless you need it for closure

Not going to a funeral doesn't make anyone a horrible person. Not going to a funeral in your circumstances is completely understandable. I wouldn't be going either.

The fact that you’re even considering it means you’re very conscious of trying to do the right thing, but they didn’t show you the same courtesy, so my advice would be to protect yourself and your emotions by staying away. When we choose to estrange ourselves from family, it’s only ever with the strongest of reasons and they will still be valid even though she is now dead. Sending you love, as this must feel really painful to have it all raised again.

I definitely wouldn't go. Only go for yourself, not anyone else. But I wouldn't. I wouldn't go to my step mum's. Her & my dad were fine while my dad was alive but she's been very cold since he died so I would gain nothing by going

She’s dead. You need to do what’s best for you, and fuck anyone else.

Lizdanvers I really hope you're OK? I'm in the process of going no contact with one of my parents and it's bloody hard. This, I'm sure, will have stirred up emotions you haven't felt in a long time so I hope you can make a decision you feel at peace with.

I wouldn't go. I'm considering not going to my mum's funeral if I'm lucky enough to outlive her as I wouldn't want to sit and listen to how wonderful she was when she was abusive.

It doesn’t make you horrible at all

You've been estranged for 18 years? I'd be more surprised if you did go to the funeral, what would that achieve?

Under the circumstances you described I don't think you should go and I don't think you should feel bad about not going

I would celebrate the day, actually. I wouldn't go to the funeral as I wouldn't want anyone to think I was sorry she'd died. I wouldn't want to see my dad, either, if he'd treated me badly and allowed his wife to treat me badly.

I'd do something really lovely for myself. Do you have a good friend you could invite out for a meal? Dress up and say we're celebrating. Get some champagne and mark an end to that part of your life.

I wouldn't.

Different situation but I went to my grandad's funeral as the sole representative of my family (the rest of my family were living abroad). He was an absolute cunt to my dad (his son) and me and my siblings. Beatings and foster care (for my dad), alcoholism etc etc. I never had a relationship with him, every time I met him he was drunk and abusive.

Faking grief was so hard and I had to give a reading at the funeral.

I was only 17 and if I'd been asked today (in my 30s) I would have said no way.

No, don't go. Give yourself the permission. You broke away for your own reasons, feck what anyone else thinks. You'll be making your position clear. Take care of you.

Her death will stir up a lot of emotions you have tried hard to forget. You have no adult current relationship with her or her husband so why would you go? It's not compulsory to attend just because you once lived with her. If any other family member (flying monkey) asks you why you didn't attend then tell them.

Write her a letter and then burn it and let go of the memory of her. Or as another PP has suggested have a nice lunch out to mark the start of a happier future.

How are you OP?

I really hope this hasn't set you back emotionally and you can find a way forward again.