18 years since dad died…feel sick and heavy

[SportMum1982]

Hello, today is 18 years since my dad very suddenly passed away. He had me when he was very young (18) so he died in his 40s and I was in my 20s.

I was ok for about an hour this morning and then I suddenly just remembered what day it was. I straight away felt very heavy I had to lie down and felt really sick. This doesn’t seem like a normal reaction all these years on. What do you think? I literally want to be sick. I’ve not reacted this way before.

I’m so sorry you lost your Dad. It sounds like a completely normal reaction to an anniversary causing you to relive the trauma of his death. Would it help to tell us about him?

Oh thank you. I just feel shocked I didn’t quite remember then it just all came flooding back.

Yes I’m not sure what to say really, it was so sad when he died. It was beyond sad tbh. It was so unexpected as he was in his 40s and by all accounts healthy.

He was a very emotional man, very loving, he wanted the best for us, he loved my mum so much. He was also very depressed and damaged by his own grief. He drank too much. He was constantly fighting his demons. I feel sad he didn’t meet his potential. He had so much about him.

I also feel so sad he didn’t meet my DH, he didn’t see our weddings (mine and my siblings) he never met his grandchildren. My SIL is expecting his 5th grandchild. We have two each at the moment. I think part of my grief is his loss of life but the loss of what he’s not seen.

I would say our grief was/is complicated. His loss really traumatised his younger siblings. I sometimes think they were/are the worst affected.

Should I tell my kids? I mean they never knew him and why should they feel sad for me/carry any of my grief?

As in tell them it’s his anniversary they know he’s dead.

Yes! Tell them. Talk to them about him. They are his family too and, even if they don't know what to say today, over time these conversations will help them to understand you, grief, love and death.

Thank you - head feeling heavy.

Completely normal. It's 25 years this year since I lost my dad (undiagnosed heart condition). He was 41 and I was 13. I still sometimes have moments where it creeps up on me.

When the anniversary is approaching each year it always gets to me, even subconsciously. Grief is a very strange thing.

As PPs have said the best thing you can do is communicate about it, talk to the people around you, tell your kids all about him. It helps

I’m sorry @InAMess2023 i think I need to get out for a walk.

I am so very sorry. It does creep up on you. I hate it’s a Saturday. Been keeping busy but heading out now for a walk.

@SportMum1982 make sure you take care of yourself. A walk sounds like a good idea

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. Hope the walk helps a bit and do take care of yourself.

It’s coming up three years since a lost my dad, mercifully at a ripe old age, but sometimes it just hits me like a mallet completely out of nowhere. Honestly can’t imagine that will ever change.

My mum died in 2001. I still cry sometimes at all she’s missed x

I think these type of experiences carry on a lot longer than you think, I've just had a bit of a cry this morning for my poor husband, and you'd think at some point you'd just get over it, but I think it gets parked at the back of your head but all of a sudden, that emotion comes to the fore, even decades later. I am not surprised you are sad about your dad, it's very very sad to lose your dad so young. I would just let your children know you are feeling sad today as you are thinking about your dad. No need to go on and on, no need to hide it, just be you today.

I took my kids to the library (dad was obsessed with my reading). The girls got talking about their dance show coming up and turns out of the possible songs one of their dance songs is Shania Twain’s That don’t impress me much! That was one of my dad’s favourite songs!! That has to be a sign right?? Can’t be a coincidence.

I am sorry to everyone for their loss. The weight of grief is great, even so many years on.

@SportMum1982 it's 100% a sign! I always visit the crematorium on the anniversary (not sure why as not even his ashes are there) and one year I was working away so couldn't go, but was able to stay with my cousin who lives near where I was working... driving back I actually asked for a sign... and the song we played at his funeral was on in the Queen Vic on Eastenders! It's not a popular or recent song either it was so bizarre...

Hi @SportMum1982 I think this sounds completely normal. Not quite the same my lovely mil died a few years ago and whilst she met my dc they were so young. We talk about her often and I think the dc feel a link to her. So I think you definitely should talk to your dc about your dad. They should know about him. He was important to you. It helps to keep their memory alive.

@InAMess2023 if it’s a song that’s not known then it has to be a sign! Or one that’s not played often.

@Allthecatseverywhereallatonce thank you. I’ve spoken a little today.

@SportMum1982 absolutely not, it's a new wave song from 1980 from a band who were relatively unknown...