How to deal with these feelings?

[roodlesnoodles]

I need to tell someone what I'm thinking about, please bear with me.

My mum died of cancer when I was 18 years old, she was 44. This year I will have my 44th birthday. She died on her 44th birthday.

Since her death I have always felt/thought/known/believed/assumed (??) that I will die young, of cancer and now it very much feels like the clock is ticking. Since new year I have not been able to get this out of my head. I have never looked after myself or my life properly because I'm always just assuming I'll be gone soon so what's the point. These feelings are just overwhelming me right now and I don't have any to talk to about it.
Thank you for reading

How traumatic for you OP. Im so sorry you lost your mum so young. I’m not surprised you feel how you do. It’s been building all these years so it must be incredibly overwhelming now 💐

Would paying for therapy be an option for you if you have no one else? Being able to just talk can be so helpful.

Just know that you’ve been through a lot and have been dealing with it for a long time so this year is going to be very difficult for you. Be kind to yourself. Unmumsnetty hugs.

I do wish I could help but I only have one thing to say.
My late husband lost his father of 50 yrs to cancer. My husband felt the same as you do now. In many ways it spoiled our life together - my husband used to say, “I’ll never live to draw my Pension”
Well he did draw his Pension for more than
15 years. He was 80 when he died and, like you now, really didn’t take good care of himself health wise. Please try to live your life to the full. It rarely will follow that one’s health follows the same path as a close relative. Also your darling mother wouldn’t want you to spoil your life like this.
take care of yourself and determine to live life to the full from this day forward.
sending love and hugs

Thank you so much for reading and responding.
I've just got in the bath to read your messages so no one else can see me crying.
I have had some "talking therapy", maybe 10 years ago, on the nhs. It was brief and was more about a different (awful) issue at the time. I could access funds for private therapy but it would involve telling some people, that I haven't/ can't face telling.

Thank you for telling me about your husband. It's really good to know it's not just me. I feel like my life could be so much better, but I don't have the will to do anything about it.

It's all just a mess and I'm lying in the bath hiding/crying while everyone carries on oblivious!

OP- I lost my mum when I was 22 and she 53. I'm 43 now and I'm also convinced I only have another 10 years alive. It's illogical and irrational but a deep seated fear. I had a bit of a mid life crisis at 40 because it hit me I might only have a decade left. I don't know what the answer is but you're not alone. I'm trying to make lifestyle changes to make myself healthier but it's not easy. A terror of mine is leaving my kids too. My eldest is nearly 18 but his dad isn't around and I'm terrified of him being alone in the world.

Have you told anyone how you feel? I find the idea of saying it out loud impossible

When your mum died you were still learning about life and, as a result, a part of your subconscious mind developed the core belief that you would go in the same way, at the same age.

Look at the wider picture as it is today, not as it was 26 years ago. When did her parents die? What about any siblings? What cancer did she have, and what are the mortality rates now for that particular cancer?

At 44 your statistical mortality rate is 0.002217 and you are statistically expected to live for a further 37.68 years*.

Assuming the worst doesn't happen would you consider therapy to make the (almost) second half of your life far happier than the first?

*https://www.ssa.gov/oact/STATS/table4c6.html

Thank you, this is very interesting

OP, I am very lucky to still have both my parents, although they both have health problems and when they are in hospital / very ill, my anxiety is through the roof. I am absolutely dreading them dying and it does creep into my thoughts a lot more than it should.

I'm pretty sure that if one of them had died at a young age and I was approaching that age, that I would be feeling the same way you are now.

I would imagine it is more common than you think, if that is any consolation to you.

Human nature, I suppose.

In fact, I'm sure Sarah Beeney says she always felt that way about her mum dying of breast cancer at a young age, when Sarah was still a child. Sadly, of course, Sarah did get breast cancer, but I believe has responded very well to treatment and is doing well.

Losing a parent young is traumatic, and I am so sorry for your loss. I think how you are feeling is understandable and probably very common...maybe talking about it would help? If a therapist isn't an option, maybe just some sort of bereavement group? I'm not sure.

Losing a parent is so hard OP. My Dad lost his Mum when he was very young and it affected his whole life. Just be really gentle with yourself, these feelings are here for a reason and it sounds like you need to give them space and time which you are. I would also say therapy would be a good choice and there will be no pressure to say it out loud, it might just help to sit with someone while you feel these huge, overwhelming feelings.

Have a look on YouTube for raw beauty Kristi. She’s done a video recently on her health anxiety. Her mum died of cancer at 44 too and it has created a lot of her health anxiety and she too has a belief that she will die at the same age. But she talks about the therapy she’s had and how she has learnt to look at it differently; I.e she is one half her dads genes, her mum smoked and she has never, she eats organic food and her mum didn’t etc so just because it happened to her mum doesn’t mean it’ll happen to her.

im really sorry this has happened to you and I do encourage therapy xx

I've come on here to let you know that you are not the only one that has these feelings. My dad died when he was 61, I'm now 60. Also none of the women in my family live beyond their early 70's except one. On bad days I feel like you and it does affect how I live. I cope by filling my life with things to do - voluntary work, keeping myself busy but as people have suggested I think therapy really is the way forward.

Your mum dying at 44 isn't an indicator of when you will pass away. A family member of mine died of Cancer at the age of 42 and her children are now in their 50s and 60s. I live by the motto that "ageing is a privilege denied to many". For yourself and in honour of your mum, how about you do something positive on this your 44th year and promise yourself that you'll start to look after yourself and set some goals. It may be the start of a new you and life. You can do this! Best wishes.