My mum passed away... still can't cope

[Adie5]

Hi haven't posted in a long time. My beautiful mum passed away the week before Christmas.. It was as peaceful and beautiful as you could want. She had Dementia and albeit was trucking along,a couple of minor health issues meant a wee stay in hospital, became 'bed bound' and although did make her way home she passed away at home. It has all felt so rushed , too soon, and even though we knew she wasn't getting better we all still felt'shocked ' that she declined so rapidly. We are so grateful that she passed with all her family around her and at home but yet I can't quite believe that she is gone. Is this normal grief? I'm devastated... if this is 'normal grief 'I need to apologise to everyone who has been through this before as I did not realise the pain!!
I realise other people lose loved ones in much more traumatic ,premature circumstances and feel I have no right to feel so bereft. My mum had a great life.. 7 children ,19 grandchildren, loved and adored by all but yet I'm finding it hard to be grateful.. I'm just so heartbroken. I need advice as to how to turn this around and be grateful for my mum whilst still being able to function for my own children. Any advice will be gratefully received and feel free to tell me to pull my pants up and get on. I just never imagined this would be so hard xx

It’s very early days. It takes time to adjust. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I lost my my mum end of November but it was expected. I was still very shocked though. Still can’t believe it.

It’s a horrible thing to go through. But it’s the price of love. I thought she’d be here forever. I’ve found talking out loud to her every day helps, when I’m alone.

I recorded a few conversations also so I still have her voice.

I tell myself she wouldn’t want me to mope around. Some days are better that others. Hugs and hope it gets easier for you.

I lost my Mum 8 years ago and still vividly remember how utterly devastated I felt for at least a year. Like yours, she wasn't in good health and we knew it was terminal for the last couple of months so not a surprise. But grief is different for everyone and how you feel, is personal to you.

Your life grows around the new reality of life without your Mum in it, and it changes over time.
I still miss my Mum and often think about her and wish I could talk to her, but increasingly I see how she is still all around me, in what I am and know, in my DD and in the objects and things that remind me of her. It's not as sad for me now to think about her.
Be kind to yourself, let yourself grieve and adjust. Do what you need to get through each day.

It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. So yes I understand the immense pain. So sorry again.

Thankyou Thankyou for your kindness in replying. It is comforting to know that perhaps in a years time my grief may be softened and I will be able to be thankful and grateful for such a lovely mum. I'm normally a very pragmatic person and I had envisaged the immediate days and the year down the line but had no idea what the in between hours/days weeks would look like. I suppose why would I? That is what has shocked and shaken me to the core. I can't remember all the lovely days and times we had ... all I can remember at the minute is the last few hours and then the wake and the funeral which were horrible and beautiful at the same time. I know we have had the 'best' experience of death as in mum passed peacefully at home surrounded by her adoring family but I just can't quite believe it. Im trying to think about gratitude and all the memories but im fixated bizarrely on her death and the funeral etc. Did we pick the right readings? What about the memorial verse??? Was that ok? Did we conduct ourselves ok? Was the music ok? Mum would have hated all the fuss and would have thought everything was beautiful so I'm not worrying about her... is it just me?

It's so hard for a long time. Eventually you will look back and remember your fondest memories of your Mum. It takes a lot of time though.

I think it's really beautiful that you feel the loss of your mum so deeply, she was clearly a wonderful and loved woman. I can't imagine managing to pull my life back together a month after losing someone I loved that much, so in that sense it sounds normal. I'm sure the older memories will return in all their richness, its just that you're still in the throes of processing the trauma of december so those are the details that are naturall filling your brain right now.

And you have every right to feel this bereft, you have had to say goodbye to your lovely mum. Don't worry about the fact that others have different experiences, there are complex and varied reasons for that, none of which are relevant to the unique relationship you have with your mum. I would say be patient with yourself, there's no pressure to stick to any sort of timescale here, and therefore no need to worry that you're getting it wrong in any way.

I'm so sorry OP. I think I know how you feel as I lost my beloved Dad just before Christmas. I'm a middle aged woman in my late 40s and I am still crying every day. I think of him the moment I wake up in the morning. I look at his picture on my computer and cry. Every time I'm on my own for a minute or two, I find myself weeping. He was a very old man who lived a very good life, and he went peacefully at home. But i just want him back. I know it's not reasonable and it's not going to happen. I am starting to worry I will never feel normal again. My partner is irritated with the sound of me sniffling all the time. I think I am broken. Sending you a big virtual hug.